Attitude

About my recent story in the "I Am Hurting" group.

Now I'm feeling better. The moderators of the personal development group I was attending when my boyfriend cheated and broke up with me, offered one-on-one therapy / counseling to anyone going through a difficult time, just before the group meetups came to an end. I was indeed going through a rough time and had been thinking I could use some therapy for various reasons and postponing for quite some time - but now I had two trustworthy psychologists whom I knew and who knew me, willing to do this. I went with the one who I felt was better and I felt safer with. The only reason to go for the other one (which I was really considering) was this one reminds me so much of my ex and I was so afraid of possible complications in therapy due to that. & indeed, my transference experience has got a lot more intense and more personal.

But guess what - I am not afraid anymore. This guy is practically two academic years ahead of me on the path to becoming a fully certified psychotherapist and he is more professional than a clinial psychologist I used to see as a kid. As a psychology major studying to be a therapist myself, I know full well it shouldn't come to anything more than therapy, I respect my and his limits, and I will not expect anything beyond this. He listens to me and offers me the respect and consideration and appreciation and continuous emotional support I needed but did not have from my boyfriend. So who cares it's just transference, if it helps me to sit back, feel happy, and see things in a different light? The sessions have helped me feel as worthy a person when I am single as when I am in a relationship, which has been a long-time issue for me. I am less attached to the idea of being there for my ex boyfriend / best friend no matter how he starts to treat me and even if he outright refuses to respect me or take care of himself. After all, I have indeed told him that, should he ever need anything, I want him to feel able to count on me as long as it's in my power to help.

But me, well I don't want to disregard myself anymore. I don't intend to sit around waiting for him to feel kind enough to grace me with his consideration anymore. I am going to still keep my promises to him, even though he will not keep his. However, I am also starting on a new needlepoint, which I am excited about. I am going to take Spanish classes and exams in order to achieve a level of fluency as high as my English, then I will do the same with my French if time allows. I will do my schoolwork and my best to become a psychotherapist (I can only hope I get as good as this guy is.) I will go on vacations when I can afford it and enjoy my life. I will sing every day and enjoy it and try to improve without feeling like a failure if it's taking me too long. I will hope to meet someone who can be my boyfriend, as good a boyfriend as I am a girlfriend, but if I don't I know there will still be something out there for me. I will keep doing what I can for personal improvement, and I will nurture my friendships more.

I think an important aspect is how I look at it. What's the point of being afraid and miserable, if the situation is not changing anyway? The main thing I have proven to myself is that I can always find someone and something to mean a huge deal to me, whenever I need it, whenever I lose anything important.
naranja naranja
26-30, F
Jul 23, 2010