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Blue Memories

It's been about one day since my "EX" boyfriend let me go. The thing is he wasn't really my Ex at all. We still carried on in the same way we did as when we were in a relationship. I, honest to God, felt that we still reciprocated the same emotions for eachother i.e, LOVE.

I loved him. I still do very much. So, when he told me yesterday that he was ready to move on to see other people, in fact, already had, I felt in a word: betrayed.

Betrayed sounds so childish, somehow; so melodramatic and flimsy. The truth is that  this person whom I spent almost two years of my life laughing, hugging, kissing, crying, holding, talking to...had already begun to push all that we shared aside for a new girl. I was that new girl, at one point in time, I thought.

How prophetic life is. I remember on our first date , his ex called him that night, wondering where he was and who he was with as we rode in his car to see a movie together. I remember how happy I was to be going on my first date. How ironic that nearly two years to the date, I would be the same girl calling him, wondering who he was going to see a movie with and more importanlty WHY.

I am that girl now, I thought miserably. I told myself that I wouldn't resort to crying and balling my eyes out like a pathetic fool. And yet, I did EXACTLY that. Between gasping for air and wiping away the Nile that gushed from my eyes, I asked him why. I asked him what made her so much better than me. Was she prettier, was she nicer??? I apologized for having not been a better girlfriend [pathetic I know].

And of course, he gave me the whole "It's not you, it's me" schpeel. I like talking to her, he said. But I like talking to you too. But you and me are not together, he emphasized, so I'm just moving on, he said.

It's sounds cliche. And to be quite honest, it really is. You hear and see stupid breakups between your friends, in movies, in songs all the damn time and then it finally happens to you and then all of a sudden, the world stops and it's as if YOUR BREAKUP is this unbelievably new and tragic concept.

I know it's not. I know that, in time, I will get over "Us." While I was thinking about this yesterday, I thought maybe he's right. I mean we weren't together, technically speaking. We both mutually decided that since he was joining the army, we would both be single, to make it easier. For for God's sake's, I honestly felt we were still in love, that we'd both give it an honest try to stay faithful to each other in the hope that one day we would be together. It was what he told me he wanted.

And then low and behold, I learn yesterday, that while I was crying my eyes out the weekend before he left, he was on date with the same girl he was on a date with yesterday. Oh how wonderfully in the holiday spirit, he is. The funny thing is that I was looking forward to his holiday break so much. I planned to spend so much time with him before he had to go back. Turns out, I spent the majority of it crying.

Even now, in my mind, I'm holding out this hope that everything he's said and done is a lie. He's just saying and making up this elaborate lie because he loves me too much. He's just trying to protect himself so he doesn't miss me so much when he leaves again. [amazing how the mind can conjure such BS but hey I'm in the recovery stage so I guess it's okay]

And then I think over everything carefully again. The mention of her name when he arrived, the fact that she wrote him three letters, his distant attitude upon arrival, his nonchalent and brutal statement that his date with her took "precedence" in the very moment my eyes were blinded with tears while attempting to talk to him on the phone...

And then I know it's over.

For goodness sakes, I wish we could just erase our memories because everything is a reminder of him. I can't look, speak, think about anything that doesn't remind me of him. If there was some way to just have amnesia for a period of time, say, amnesia for the past two years of my life...I would totally go for that.

It's in these ridiculous moments that memories are your worst enemies. You can smile and laugh in one moment, and then someone mentions something that makes you think of his favorite movie, the place you spent last summer together, his stupid and really bad impersonations...and then your smile becomes strained, almost painful...

It's a nightmare. And, for me, the only real solace is sleep, and the moments just before you get out of bed when my mind is somewhat tabula rosa: blank and unburdended by thousands of unaswered questions.

It's not the end of the world, I know. But it is the end of a period of honest happiness in my life. What can I say, I'm a hopless and hapless romantic. I'm not sayin that all of it was wonderful, but it's funny how you only seem to recall the good parts when it's over, never the not so good.

In any case, I'm sure I'll have many more of these despondently blue moments before the hurt slowly goes away, but until then, I suppose I'll have to continue writing more of these annoyingly depressing but rather cathartic entries.  

 

Historia Historia 18-21 Dec 28, 2008

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