Work Order

Yes it does

I often feel that way too, as though I am disconnected from even the people I am close to. I believe those feelings of isolation are residual from a childhood of trauma and sexual abuse, when I felt utterly alone and unprotected, even at home. Today my home is the only place I feel relatively safe and authentic. The other day, in an endearing way my middle son said I was so 'unobtrusive', which is so absolutely true, and it's because I've spent my lifetime trying to be invisible.

Thats a great way of putting it!

Wonder if it's anything like my life-sized hamster ball.

It's like those exercise balls you put hamsters in so they can run around the house...but it's invisible, and I'm in it.

Everyone, yeah everyone, is outside the ball.

And I can't feel entirely at peace and connected to them.

Not even my wife, really.

I just can't believe I belong, even with her.

I am alone everywhere I go.

My son would write stories with such darkness in them, actually they were kind of like poems. I couldn't understand them but I knew he was battling his addiction and his demons. (not saying you have an addiction) you know about my son, and now that he has been away for 9 months and clean he tells me he is so glad to be away from the darkness, and his darkness was the woman he loved for six years. I could never see love between them, just pain, anger and sorrow.

The way you write now reminds me of the way he felt, totally lost and no one could help him but himself. I hope you find yourself again, don't want to see you disappear into the darkness. From what I saw of my son, its not a good place to be. My heart goes out to you :(

It is only in the darkness that we can find our own light.

I think I'm ready to be alone...and in darkness...

Bob, the Japanese have a concept of Void a little like this..... void is not just empty of things, it has a fullness of emptiness if that makes any sense. Are you comfortable being alone or are you wanting connection?

Sounds dark where you are. I don't know what delivered you such pain, but in time you will be okay. Good or bad, things will always change. If you ever want to talk...

I do hope your feelings and thoughts change because nobody deserve to feel bad about themselves like that. I don't like it when my family and friends are sad and down; it just makes me sad. I'll pray for you; you deserve to have a good optimistic life :-)