Post

I Feel So Empty Inside

   HI! MY NAME IS ARCHIE. I'VE ALREADY POSTED ACCOUNTS OF MY ABUSED CHILDHOOD, & OF BEING UNLOVED & UNWANTED. ...
IN '89 I HITCH HIKED FROM MAINE TO LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA. I KNEW NO ONE OUT THERE & I HAD NO PLACE TO STAY. I WENT OUT THERE FOR THE ADVENTURE. I ATE AT MISSIONS & SLEEP IN THE STREETS. I WOULD BATHE IN A MC DONALD'S REST ROOM.
   I ENDED UP MEETING AN ELDERLY BLACK LADY, WHO TOOK ME IN OFF THE STREETS. SHE HAD 4 OF HER GREAT NEPHEWS IN HER CARE. THE COURT REMOVED THE CHILDREN FROM THEIR MOTHER WHEN THE 4th CHILD WAS BORN WITH COKE IN HIS SYSTEM. THE MOTHER WAS A DRUG ADDICT, WHO PROSITUTED HERSELF TO SUPPORT HER HABBIT. SHE DID NOT USE PROTECTION.
WHILE AT MY FRIEND'S HOUSE, I WOULD CLEAN THE HOUSE, FEED & BATHE THE CHILDREN, GET THEM READY FOR BED, OR FOR SCHOOL. HELP THEM WITH THEIR HOMEWORK, TAKE THEM TO A NEAR BY PARK. & I WOULD DO THEIR LAUNDRY.
AFTER A LITTLE WHILE I GOT A JOB AT A HOTEL, AS A MAINTNANCE MAN. SHORTLY THERE AFTER, I MOVED INTO MY OWN APPARTMENT. BENNETTA, MY FRIEND, & I REMAINED CLOSE FRIENDS.
   I WOULD VOLUNTEER AT A CHURCH THAT HANDED OUT FOOD TO THE HOMELESS & NEEDY FAMILIES. AFTER THE WORK WAS THRU, THEY'LD GIVE ME 8 SACKS OF FOOD, WAY MORE THAN I WOULD NEED. I'LD KEEP A LITTLE FOR MYSELF & GIVE THE REST TO BENNETTA, FOR HER & THE CHILDREN.
   OH, I'LD LIKE TO ADD THAT BENNETTA WAS ALSO A SCHOOL TEACHER. SHE TAUGHT 7th & 8th GRADES. SHE TAUGHT THOSE WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES. SHE WAS A GREAT LADY, REPECTED & LOVED BY ALL WHO KNEW HER.
AFTER ABOUT 6 MONTHS OF WORKING, I DECIDED TO RETURN TO MAINE, THINKING MAYBE MY FAMILY HAD MISSED ME WHILE I WAS GONE. BOY WAS I WRONG. NOTHING HAD CHANGED. EVERYTHING WAS THE SAME. 2 WEEKS (OR A MONTH?) LATER I WENT BACK TO LONG BEACH.
    WHEN I HAD GONE TO MAINE, I LET SOMEONE STAY IN MY APPARTMENT. IT WAS A GUY & HIS SISTER. BEFORE I LEFT, I TOLD THEM THEY COULD NOT HAVE ANY PARTIES. (THOUGH I WAS ONLY 21, I LIVED AT AN ELDERLY COMPLEX. I'M A QUIET PERSON.) THE SAME DAY I LEFT, THEY THREW A PARTY. I WAS EVICTED WHILE I WAS IN MAINE. I LOST EVERYTHING I HAD IN MY APPARTMENT.
BEFORE RETURNING TO LONG BEACH, I ASKED BENNETTA IF I COULD STAY WITH HER UNTIL I GOT BACK ON MY FEET. SHE SAID YES.
WHEN I GOT BACK, I APPLIED AT TEMPORARY JOB SERVICES. I GOT A JOB RIGHT AWAY. RATHER THAN FINDING A PLACE OF MY OWN, I JUST REMAINED WITH BENNETTA & THE CHILDREN.
   I WANT TO NOTE, I FIRST WENT OUT THERE, TO LONG BEACH, IN JAN. OF '89. I MET BENNETTA IN FEB.
   IN OCT. THE COURT ALLOWED BENNETTA ANOTHER CHILD THE MOTHER OF THE CHILDREN HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO. SHE, THE BABY, WAS ALSO BORN WITH DRUGS IN HER SYSTEM. I WOULD WALK THE FLOOR WITH HER ALL NIGHT LONG, SOOTHING HER, AS SHE CRIED. (IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A BABY BORN ADDICTED TO DRUGS, IT'S HEART WRENTCHING.) I GREW VERY ATTACHED TO HER. IN '90, WE GOT ANOTHER GIRL, FROM THE MOTHER, ALSO BORN WITH DRUGS IN HER SYSTEM. THEN IN '92 WE GOT ANOTHER BOY, WHO HAD DRUGS IN HIS SYSTEM. (THE MOTHER HAD AN 8th CHILD, BUT HAVING 7, WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE THE 8th ONE. HE WAS BORN WITH DRUGS IN HIS SYSTEM ALSO.)
   WHEN I FIRST MET BENNETTA, THE BOYS AGES WERE; 7, 6, 3 & 18 MONTHS. I GREW SO ATTACHED TO ALL THESE KIDS, ESPECIALLY THE LAST 4, WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF BEING MINE. I CARED FOR THEM EVERY DAY. LOVING THEM, FEEDING THEM, CHANGING THEIR DIAPERS, HOLDING THEM WHEN THEY'LD CRY ALL NIGHT, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WERE TEETHING. I DID THEIR LAUNDRY, HELPED THEM GET DRESSED FOR SCHOOL. HELPED THEM WITH THEIR HOMEWORK. PLAYED GAMES WITH THEM. ALTHOUGH THERE WERE BEDS IN EVERY ROOM (3 BED ROOMS), WE'LD ALL SLEEP ON BLANKETS, ON THE FLOOR IN THE LIVING ROOM, BENNETTA, THE KIDS & I.
AFTER ALL THE YRS OF ABUSE, OF BEING UNLOVED & UNWANTED, I FINALLY HAD A FAMILY WHO NOT ONLY LOVED ME, BUT APPRECIATED ALL I DID FOR THEM.
   ASIDE FROM TAKING CARE OF THE CHILDREN & THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES, I ALSO HAD A JOB & WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL.
IN '93 BENNETTA DECIDED TO RETIRE. SHE HAD TAUGHT SCHOOL FOR 41 YRS. (SHE WAS 66 WHEN I MET HER.) HER STUDENTS & HER COLLEUGES HATED TO SEE HER GO. THEY THREW HER A RETIREMENT PARTY, STAFF & STUDENTS.
SHE HAD DECIDED SHE WOULD MOVE BACK TO TEXAS, THE STATE SHE WAS BORN & RAISED. SHE ASKED ME IF I'LD LIKE TO GO, TO BE WITH HER & THE KIDS. OF COURSE I DID NOT HESITATE & SAID YES. I FLEW TO TEXAS IN JUNE. I CAME A MONTH BEFORE THEM, TO PREPARE THE HOUSE FOR THEIR ARRIVAL. SHE SHIPPED ALL THE FUNITURE & BELONGINGS THRU A MOVING COMPANY, WHICH HUALED EVERYTHING OVER HERE IN A TRAILER TRUCK. IT COST $3,500.
   WHEN I GOT TO HER HOUSE (SHE HAD PURCHASED IT 8 YRS PRIOR. SHE HAD PLANNED ON RETIRING THEN, BUT SHE HAD GOTTEN THE CHILDREN.) I PAINTED EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. I LAID NEW FLOORING IN BOTH BATH ROOMS. I TORE OUT THE RUG IN THE LIVING ROOM & DINING AREA. (IT WAS ONE LARGE ROOM.) & LAID NEW CARPET. THERE WAS A CAR PORT, WHICH I CONVERTED INTO 2 BED ROOMS, FOR THE 2 OLDEST BOYS. GIVING THE HOUSE 5 BED ROOMS. & WHEN THE MOVING TRUCK SHOWED UP, I SET UP ALL THE BEDS, DRESSERS, PUTTING AWAY THE CLOTHES. PLACING THE DISHES IN THE CABINETS (I SCRUBBED THEM ALL DOWN FIRST.) WHEN THEY ARRIVED, I WAS FINISHING UP WITH THE BED ROOMS. I HAD HAD A BUSY MONTH. BENNETTA WAS VERY PLEASED WITH ALL I HAD DONE.
I DID NOT LOOK FOR WORK, AS I STAYED BUSY WITH BENNETTA & THE KIDS. SINCE BENNETTA HAD RETIRED, WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.
   IN '96 I BEGAN MY OWN HANDY MAN BUSINESS, & BOUGHT A HOUSE, WHILE STILL TAKING CARE OF BENNETTA & THE KIDS. BY THIS TIME I WAS COOKING FOR THEM, KEEPING A CLEAN HOUSE, DOING THE LAUNDRY, TAKING THE KIDS TO SCHOOL, HELPING THEM WITH THEIR HOMEWORK. TAKING THEM TO MUSIC LESSONS. THE 4 OLDEST BOYS WERE TAKING PIANO LESSONS & THE 2 OLDEST WERE ALSO TAKING VIOLYN LESSONS. & THE SECOND TO THE OLDEST WAS TAKING DRUM LESSONS, THEN THE OBO, & ACTING AT LIVE PLAYS, PLUS FOOTBALL.
   YES, THINGS STAYED VERY BUSY AROUND THE HOUSE & I LOVED IT. MY LIFE WAS FULL & I WAS LOVED, NOT TO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE THOSE CHILDREN.
   THE 4 YOUNGEST & I WOULD PLAY ALL SORTS OF CHILDREN'S GAMES, GOLF FISH, GUESS WHO, CHUTES & LADDERS, SORRY, & SOME OTHERS. WE'LD GO CAMPING AT THE LAKES OVER THE WEEKEND. WE'LD GO OUT TO EAT AT RESTURAUNTS, PLAY AT THE ARCADES. GOING BIKE RIDING, GO TO THE PARK, GO TO THE LIBRARY & SELECT SOME BOOKS, WHICH I WOULD READ TO THEM AT NIGHT. PLUS WE'LD WATCH MOVIES. WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. NEVER HAVING A CHILDHOOD, I WAS GETTING TO BE A KID WITH THEM. NEVER HAVING BEEN LOVED OR TOLD "I LOVE YOU", WHILE GROWING UP, EVERY NIGHT I WOULD GIVE THEM HUGS & KISSES & LET THEM KNOW I LOVE THEM.
   WHILE GROWING UP, I WAS MY PARENTS SLAVE. I WAS BOUND & DETERMINED THESE CHILDREN WOULD NOT BE SLAVES. I DID THE DISHES & CLEANED THE YARD BY MYSELF, THOUGH THEY OFFERED TO HELP & I'LD LET THEM, BUT I WOULD NEVER HAVE "MADE" THEM TO DO IT. I WANTED THEM TO ENJOY THEIR CHILDHOOD. THE ONLY THING I DID REQUIRE THEM TO DO, WAS TO KEEP THEIR ROOMS CLEAN.
   MY LIFE WAS SO FULFILLED. I WAS LOVED. I HAD A PURPOSE. MY LIFE HAD MEANING.
   THAT ALL CHANGED ON NOVEMBER 18, 1999. BENNETTA WAS IN THE HOSPITAL, DYING OF CONGESTED HEART FAILURE. (SHE PASSED AWAY ON DEC. 8,1999) THE CHILDREN, BEING WARDS OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA, WERE TAKEN AWAY & SENT BACK TO CALIFORNIA. I WAS SHATTERED. MY LIFE WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN, INSIDE OUT. IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE PIERCED MY HEART WITH A KNIFE & KEPT IT LODGED THERE. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY MY HEART KEPT BEATING, WHEN THE WILL TO LIVE HAD GONE. I COULDN'T SLEEP, COULDN'T EAT. FORGET ABOUT WORK, I COULDN'T EVEN CONSENTRATE. I HAD A LOT OF JOBS LINED UP & IN THE MIDDLE OF RESTORING A HOUSE. I UNPLUGGED MY ANSWERING MACHINE. IT WAS FULL OF CALLS. MY MIND WAS A BASKET CASE. I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE. I NOW TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSENTS (AFTER YRS OF REFUSING THEM, I STARTED TAKING THEM IN '09.), BUT I STAY DEPRESSED. IT ONLY TAKES SOME OF THE EDGE OFF.
   TO MY DEEPEST SORROW NOW THAT MY KIDS ARE OF AGE, I'VE GOTTEN IN TOUCH WITH THEM & NONE OF THEM WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. I WISH THEY ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVE & MISS THEM. HOW MUCH THEY MEANT TO ME. THAT THEY WERE MY LIFE, GIVING IT MEANING. A PURPOSE.
   NOW I JUST STAY HOME, BROKEN HEARTED, ALONE & LONELY. THOUGH I'M NO LONGER SUICIDAL, I LONG TO GO TO MY ETERNAL HOME. THERE'S NO LIFE HERE FOR ME. I KNOW I'LD BE BETTER OFF. I PRAY OUR LORD COMES & GETS ME SOON.
WELL, THAT'S ME, BROKEN & ALONE.   
LITTLEBOYINSIDE LITTLEBOYINSIDE 41-45, M 2 Responses Apr 5, 2012

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Hi, the Lord says we need to carry on with our lives until he comes back. We need his help each day to help us cope and I trust you are on a road to recovery and I found a gratitude journal helps alot. Each morning with a cup of coffee I write 3-5 things I'm thankful for. I can breath without a ventalater and walk without crutches etc. Once we start to see the blessings we have we can feel more possitive about life and ourselves and give out of what we have. A smile is free and to a homeless person is a gift from God. Hope you having a good day today.

Your story is interesting! Keep it up, Archie! You're a survivor!

THANKS. I JUST DON'T FEEL ALL THAT GREAT AT THE MOMENT. THANKS FOR READING MY STORY & FOR TAKING THE TIME TO COMMENT. PEACE & BLESSINGS TO YOU.