I Believe I Am A Loving Person Who Just Happens To Feel Broken Inside

My name is Sassah and I am 46 years young.
I feel broken because I don't seem to have the motivation to do what I need to do. I am going to try to be as honest as I can by listening not to what my mind (ego) wants to say, because I have found that that ego wants to keep me safe, sane and secure. On the otherhand, it doesn't tell you what I feel I am actually going through, so I am going to go by what I feel, which connects me to my Spirit, and is therefore tells the truth. I do have a tendency to be vague. So if you, the reader has any questions, feel free to ask.
I feel sad. I feel sorrow too. I feel I have sabotaged myself so many times in my life, especially when the bigger, life changes come along. I am sensing from my spirit the old saying, "Rome was not built in a day", and since visions take time to grow out of ideas or seeds, then I have it pretty well. It doesn't feel that way though. I have been told to look on the bright side of life. I am living back home with my parents; a living condition that is not harmful. I work two jobs. One at a flower shop and the other at my church, helping to maintain a beautiful 26 acres of land. I have listening to my spirit within for the last 3 months at least once or twice a day when I remember to. I sing in tongues and would love to sing at my church. I am just beginning to work on a "scientific experiment" using my houseplants. I'll tell you more about that later. Life seems to be going well, I just feel broken because I don't always trust my feelings or rather what I'm telling myself..."I can't do this." "What do I do next?" When clearly I have an image of what I need to do, I just get rebellious and don't do it, then I end up feeling like I am shooting myself in the foot.
I sense a new chapter coming up in my life, and I don't feel like I have completed the last one to my satisfaction. I have had ample time, I just get side-tracked and don't feel confident in my carry-out procedures. I need structure in my day, and when left on my own, distractville, USA is where I end up going.
I have tried to speed up my healing process at one main time in my life, which only made me feel worse because I became overwhelmed and wasn't sure what to work on first. Though what did help was to do what was right in front of me. I may not be able to change the past, but I can change how I look at my present. Yet I feel rebellious to do that now and am finding myself resisting.
I see a life coach which is good, but the process is slow. And my ego wants to see results, and wants to see them right now. Practicing has always been hard for me.
I speak in tongues, which helps me relax. And the messages I receive are loving and peaceful.
I feel afraid of most people because of the power I give them over my life. I am in a 12 step program called CoDA and it feels like I am hardly getting anywhere, which makes me feel like not studying and not implementing and therefore, I get further behind.
I have always been hard on myself...mainly frustrated by not "getting there fast enough" or getting scared and loosing sight of the purpose of my existance. I feel for the most part, today worthless.
I know the only person who can change me is me. There are many good qualities I have and today I know at this moment, and in the hours before now, I just see what I'm not doing or what I'm doing that isn't working, etc. or being in a relationship with a married man, trying not to have any feelings for him and discovering I do and if I am trying not to have feelings for him then what the heck am I doing to myself, I know why I believe I need to be in the relationship, though I am not ready to say that yet.
I feel so sad. And I know it's my own doings. I feel powerless to stop these old behaviors that have never been useful from day one. I know I am better than this. I know I do have a heart of gold. Today my perspective is tarnished. I do believe I am a loving person who just happens to feel broken inside.
Sassah Sassah
46-50, F
1 Response May 9, 2012

Keep journaling, talking to mentors, singing in tongues.....even an attempt at the 12 steps is OK, and maybe your pace is simply different from the pace of your study group, and you will get what you need from the process, in your own way. As for feeling broken....to be human is to suffer, and it's OK to feel broken inside. It's just a sensation and an idea, just echoes from pain in the past. But your spirit is still there, perfect and free, beyond all the pain and sadness.