Because I'm Feeling Bad

This is very weird because I have been intentionally depriving myself of sleep and as a result I am feeling emotions more intensely. I am fragile and stressed out by everything but at the same time I feel satisfiably stimulated.

I have been very depressed because I wasn't feeling things intensely enough. I need a certain amount of stimulation to feel satisfied and comfortable.

Now, in spite of my nausea, pain, and weakness, I feel more alive than I have in a long time.

I got angry at my dad for something I wouldn't normally get angry about. Then I watched a movie that always makes me cry but this time it made me cry so intensely compared to what I am used to. I saw a comedian perform and I laughed so unusually easily. I'm kind of like someone on drugs in that I'll laugh at everything. Even a lame pun can make me burst into laughter.

I've done something bad to myself with my intentional sleep deprivation and it has hurt me so much that I have become fragile. The fragileness is making me extremely sensitive and that sensitivity is making me feel so much better.

Intensity is what I needed. I got it. I feel much more aroused and I can actually feel alive instead of dead for once. I am not empty. I am not dead. I am not numb. I have come back from the dead and it is a relief to be alive.
chrysalid chrysalid
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 1, 2012

What you did and why you did it actually look interesting to me, I once waked up continuously for 3 days just to know how I will feel, I really did, but I still couldn't get to the point where I could lose control on myself and just know the missing feeling.And you said you did it because you wanted to feel things more intensity, but I don't know what I really want, Cuz sometimes I try to push myself to be so emotional for no clear reason till I cry, and other times I just feel like emotions are a waste of time, I don't have a clear vision about all this so far, but I think that I have enough intensity of emotions and not caring about it or hiding even from myself at the same.