I'm not sure why today, but I'm really missing and feeling heartbroken over my son, my Nicky. It's not a special day or anything, today is not the anniversary of any special event regarding him. I'm just...missing him.
I watched a little boy with autism last night...who stayed up until about 3 in the morning, but finally drifted off to sleep. I watched him sleep for a long time, only because I had never had the opportunity to see him in a state of sleep. He was beautiful, even more so than when he is awake. I guess I started thinking about how beautiful my Nicky could have been, sprawled out next to me in a thousand different directions, but always have some part of him touching me, for comfort. When my girlfriend took him home this morning, I went to bed, to actually sleep, and I was alone.
It reminded me of how I felt the first day I was home alone after I lost my son. How so very alone I felt. Before I lost him, I had him inside of me, always with me, always a part of me and every little thought and action. After I delivered him, I got to hold him, still be with him, cuddle him, kiss him, memorize his every tiny feature. Both of those honors I had are gone now, and part of me is still feeling very alone.
That's the part that is up front and center today. And it hurts to breathe. But I'm trying to move through my day.