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Closure

I got my closure.
Should I be happy?
Should I be sad?
I don't know how to feel, so I'll just share my story with you.

He told me he loved his new girlfriend more than me, and I hadn't had a full hour of sleep last night. I stayed home today, to sleep. I wouldn't have survived school if I went feeling that way.

Today the sun was shining bright, and the wind was strong, just like the first day I had met him. I texted him that I still felt really hurt and he should know that, and he did. But it escalated, and he told that he was sick of my whining and complaining about wanting to see him, he had 'better' things to do. I just wanted me closure!

I told him that stuck up honest, because when he had send me that I really thought it was the end of it all. He was like 'What do you expect? I tell you it's over and you'll cry. I would comfort you and we'd start over? ain't happening'.

No.. that was my plan in the beginning, before he got someone else. I reassured him of the fact that I just needed to hear the words 'We're over' in person. He send me that he was free from school early, and we could talk if I came to the station around 2 PM. I got dressed and looked up which train to get.

On the way there, I asked myself 'How do I want to approach this situation? Sad or making myself clear?' I read his text on saying how I whined at him, and choose for making myself clear. Waiting there was cold and nerve wrecking. And all of a sudden, he was there in front of me. His face was a bit more round, but he hardly changed.

We exchanged an awkward 'Hai' and 'let's go somewhere else?'. Then we walked to the back of the station and stood still. It was hard facing him at first, but after a few minutes my heart calmed down. I had already told my heart to let my brain take over and do the talking. Because my heart still loves him, but my brain wanted justice.

I told him something he had told me before. That I may be one of his contacts in a list online, but that I did have feelings. That I did stand in front of his at that moment to talk, and he couldn't click on any X to remove me now.

I asked him why he did what he did. Found out that he already knew his new girlfriend when we still had something. She did walk by at the right time, and took him from me. If things would have gone different, he still would have been mine.

We ended with a hug, one in which I held him for a long time and very tightly. I noticed he got uncomfortable after 10 seconds, but I held on as long as I wanted. A little smile showed itself on my face as I was in his arms for the last time. 'My girlfriend would kill me if she saw this' he said. 'Too bad' I replied, and let go of him when I was ready for it.

We ended with a handshake, and we'd still be in touch. Just not like we used to when we were dating, which was already pretty obvious to me since he has a different partner now. In touch as in casual texting, which is fine with me.

The way back was very strange. I didn't knew how to feel. No music could fit how I was feeling, so I listened to the sounds around me. I was numb, staring out of the train, and later also bus, window. I had finally gotten what I wanted, but I wasn't happy or sad. Later on, I did realize I was sad.

And for the contact.. I'd rather stay in contact and know what's going on with his life, even though it hurts me. Than to not have any contact at all. But my intentions were questioned by my sister as I got home. She asked why I still wanted contact with him after what he did to me, and if I wasn't just staying in contact out of hope. Hope that they would break up, so wating for that to happen.

There was a truth to what she said. But it is also a part of me not being able to let go of him. I am also still waiting for their break-up, and have him come back to me. But to only wait for that, would mean I wouldn't be able to live my own life. Only a small part of me hopes for that now, the other part is just happy to still receive texts from him.

I got my closure, yet I'm not happy at all.
It still feels as though I can't move on fully yet, because of how things had gone. Of course there is no use crying over spilled milk, but still a part of me longs for him. Longs for my first love..
CactusHugger CactusHugger 18-21, F 5 Responses Feb 4, 2013

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Wow, do you want to listening a chinese boy"s advice .
listen , the Happiness is to get through the pain!
So ,i think you might to know.

Thank you for reading my story.
I suppose there is a truth to what you're saying.

I'm sorry, may my English is not so good. I mean, I also have the same feeling. Also, I am Chinese!

Where you are from doesn't matter to me, it's about who you are.

Of course, you don't know me, but I really want to be your friend

1 More Response

Be strong. Happiness will come. It is inside you!

Thank you!

CactusHugger, listen to your sister firstly. You need to cut contact altogether. Think like a man as I am and what he would be thinking. He was constantly looking for something better while he was with you. Why? Because from what you are saying; you sound a little if not very insecure about yourself and very needy. Most men hate that sort of behaviour and if anything; it pushes them away further and almost develop a hatred for that person. I know I sound harsh, but unfortunately; this is how we think. Now if I were in your situation (which I have been); and my boyfriend was seeing someone else whilst with me; he is a man not worthy of your love. You have poured out your heart to this guy and what has he given you in return, nothing. I need you to do something for me before you even think about dating a guy again. Have faith in yourself, don't look for relationships; especially when you are just out of a recent one, improve your lover skills (show the guy that you do have your own life and your friends are important to you and your life existed before they came around and will exist even after when they are not around. Lose the needy behaviour; it really bugs guys to death. Don't forget about your friends and your family. Yes they will be there for you for life, but doesn't mean that you can forget about them just because someone new has come into your life. The only type of guy who deserves you is the one who respects you as a woman and thinks about you before he goes to sleep and wakes up thinking about you. Love is not lost, this was just a lesson in life to wake you up and to teach you to become stronger and less needy. Please watch the movie 'He's just not that into you' . I know I was a Ginnifer Goodwin, are you?

Thank you for readind my story.
Although I am the only person who really knows how I feel, I do appriciate your point of view. I may be needy, and yes I am still very insecure. But what is wrong with needing someone?
Even if it bothers guy, then they shouldn't be with me.
I am only starting to recover slowly now.
And as you could read in my story, letting go of all contact is too hard for me.

Hi dear...even me going through breakup...my bf cheated on me....i noe how much it hurts when first love goes away....Take care...
And a tip i suggest it would be better you stop texting as it will not help you to get over him....Please for ur good i m saying dis....Dnt worry i m wit u

Thank you for reading my story.
He didn't exaclty cheat on me, but did knew the girl when we were still together.
And she became his new partner after our break-up.
It's just hard, to live without love if you know what it feels like.
But you take care too, and thank you for caring.

To be honest, closure does not take away the pain or frustration. All it does it force you to recognize that things are over. And they are. I am not trying to be hurtful at all, just trying to help you to realize this and move on. If you stick with hopes of them breaking up and him running back to you, you will only drive yourself crazy over something that will most likely not happen. Do not sit around and wait for him you will only be holding yourself back from finding love for yourself.

Thank you for reading my story.
Indeed. And it was hard to realize that it is over.
The part of me that is waiting for them to break up, is being put away in a small and dark corner of my heart. I will not give it any hope, but the idea will be in the back of my mind at times.
And right now, I don't think it's wise to heal my broken heart with love again. What I need now is distraction, and realizing what's really important in life now, without him.

Sorry you are heartbroken. It is a horrible feeling that only time will heal. I am not saying to run out and look for love right now, I meant that if you continue to hold onto hopes for him, then it could keep you from finding someone in the future. When you are ready, find a real man, one who is honest, and has the decency to face up to situations, not try to "avoid them" like this guy did when he was ending things. I think the way a person handles ending relationships, etc, says a lot of about them. His actions tell me he is a selfish coward.

Yes, you are right.
Healing a broken heart with new love isn't the right solution.
I should start living for myself instead now.
It's just hard to go back to how things were, if you now know who and what you're missing..
But yes, he is a selfish coward.
Yet.. I love him too much to could ever hate him for what he did to me.