ClosureI got my closure.
Should I be happy?
Should I be sad?
I don't know how to feel, so I'll just share my story with you.
He told me he loved his new girlfriend more than me, and I hadn't had a full hour of sleep last night. I stayed home today, to sleep. I wouldn't have survived school if I went feeling that way.
Today the sun was shining bright, and the wind was strong, just like the first day I had met him. I texted him that I still felt really hurt and he should know that, and he did. But it escalated, and he told that he was sick of my whining and complaining about wanting to see him, he had 'better' things to do. I just wanted me closure!
I told him that stuck up honest, because when he had send me that I really thought it was the end of it all. He was like 'What do you expect? I tell you it's over and you'll cry. I would comfort you and we'd start over? ain't happening'.
No.. that was my plan in the beginning, before he got someone else. I reassured him of the fact that I just needed to hear the words 'We're over' in person. He send me that he was free from school early, and we could talk if I came to the station around 2 PM. I got dressed and looked up which train to get.
On the way there, I asked myself 'How do I want to approach this situation? Sad or making myself clear?' I read his text on saying how I whined at him, and choose for making myself clear. Waiting there was cold and nerve wrecking. And all of a sudden, he was there in front of me. His face was a bit more round, but he hardly changed.
We exchanged an awkward 'Hai' and 'let's go somewhere else?'. Then we walked to the back of the station and stood still. It was hard facing him at first, but after a few minutes my heart calmed down. I had already told my heart to let my brain take over and do the talking. Because my heart still loves him, but my brain wanted justice.
I told him something he had told me before. That I may be one of his contacts in a list online, but that I did have feelings. That I did stand in front of his at that moment to talk, and he couldn't click on any X to remove me now.
I asked him why he did what he did. Found out that he already knew his new girlfriend when we still had something. She did walk by at the right time, and took him from me. If things would have gone different, he still would have been mine.
We ended with a hug, one in which I held him for a long time and very tightly. I noticed he got uncomfortable after 10 seconds, but I held on as long as I wanted. A little smile showed itself on my face as I was in his arms for the last time. 'My girlfriend would kill me if she saw this' he said. 'Too bad' I replied, and let go of him when I was ready for it.
We ended with a handshake, and we'd still be in touch. Just not like we used to when we were dating, which was already pretty obvious to me since he has a different partner now. In touch as in casual texting, which is fine with me.
The way back was very strange. I didn't knew how to feel. No music could fit how I was feeling, so I listened to the sounds around me. I was numb, staring out of the train, and later also bus, window. I had finally gotten what I wanted, but I wasn't happy or sad. Later on, I did realize I was sad.
And for the contact.. I'd rather stay in contact and know what's going on with his life, even though it hurts me. Than to not have any contact at all. But my intentions were questioned by my sister as I got home. She asked why I still wanted contact with him after what he did to me, and if I wasn't just staying in contact out of hope. Hope that they would break up, so wating for that to happen.
There was a truth to what she said. But it is also a part of me not being able to let go of him. I am also still waiting for their break-up, and have him come back to me. But to only wait for that, would mean I wouldn't be able to live my own life. Only a small part of me hopes for that now, the other part is just happy to still receive texts from him.
I got my closure, yet I'm not happy at all.
It still feels as though I can't move on fully yet, because of how things had gone. Of course there is no use crying over spilled milk, but still a part of me longs for him. Longs for my first love..