What's Another Dejected Soul?

I use to think being heartbroken was a silly expression used by foolish people.

When I'd watch the girls at school slump in the bathroom, their makeup streaming as they cried, I'd simply scoff under my breath, do what I had to do and get out. My best friend of 10 years now would come and confide in me about her most recent heartbreaking, and I of course feeling it was my responsibility would soothe her new wounds the best I could. However, despite my healing words, on the inside I was shaking my head at her as well. I didn't understand how someone so strong could crumble like that, how all those girls -and boys too- could let another hurt them without retaliation. Nevertheless, this was before.

I'm nearly 18 now, and at last I understand how ignorant I've been. It was finally my turn to be dealt the emotional blow they called "heartbreak."

It started in elementary school surprisingly. I had a group of close guy friends, friends that I anticipated to spending time with every day. Even now I mourn the loss of our relationship. But there was one boy out of all of them that meant the most to me. I looked upon him with fondness, and he me. Of course back then we were just kids, but still I valued our devotion above many things. Together we'd wrestle in the snow, drink hot chocolate, and build forts. He'd even help me with my math, a subject that I've always struggled with terribly. It made me quite happy to be close to him and all the way up tell the end of 6th grade I always had a designated spot next to him whenever I got the chance. When I think about it, that seems far too long ago now.

Like everything good, this of course came to an end.

Eventually around the beginning of 7th grade, I was simply thrown out of the group without a word. I'm sure it was because of some new friends of his, guys that weren't interested in having a girl around- one that wasn't pretty or popular anyway. I'd never admit it to anyone, but that hurt, it hurt bad. It secretly took years for me to recover from that. I also realized how weak I actually was.

The story I really want to tell though takes place closer to present time.

As I got older and actually realized I had feelings for this particular boy, the pain and longing began to eat at me. It buried itself under my skin like a parasite. He walked in my dreams at night, I could pick him out of any crowd, and I'd think about him repeatedly. Between all that time I never fell for any other guy. Unfortunately I was completely sure he never even cast a single stray thought about me. Eventually he moved to another school. I thought for sure I could move on then, but I didn't. And worse, he'd probably forgotten I'd ever been alive. Finally, after so long, things took a turn.

One day I admitted to my best friend that I'd had yet another dream concerning this boy, one where we were together and happy. At last she convinced me to contact him. I was scared out of my wits, but for some reason -one I know was a mistake now- I did. Still, I was convinced once he knew it was me that was texting him he'd cease to answer. But he didn't. And we talked, we talked for weeks. I thought for sure this was as good as it was gonna get, however my heart soared when I was informed by a good friend of his that he was crushing on me also, and he'd been doing so forever. Eventually I admitted so to him, and he to me. That night was one of the very few times I've ever cried from sheer happiness. He said such nice things, things I didn't think I'd ever hear from a guy. Soon we were going on dates, the first ones I've been a part of. We didn't kiss or anything -the both of us are far to shy for that- but still they went amazing, far better then I could have predicted. Finally I was actually happy, which for me hadn't actually happened since I was a kid. He even told me I was all his. I was overjoyed. Things were going right for me, ME of all people. I couldn't believe it. I'd always considered myself to be the loveless one, the ugly shadow who hung beside my gorgeous best friend, the girl who receives suitors with just one smile. This was too good to be true...

... and I was right. It was.

It's been nearly three months now since I've last heard from him. Not a word, not a whisper, no news of his existence whatsoever. No matter what I said, I could receive no answer. It was like he'd fallen off the edge of the earth. I suppose thinking about it now I simply wasn't worth it for him. I guess I can't blame him. I'm hideous, I'm poor, and I don't have anything to offer. I just wish he'd have rejected me in the beginning. Perhaps then I wouldn't still feel like such ****.

I feel destroyed, like any shred of hope I'd ever had has been torn to pieces. I feel uglier and more worthless then I ever have before. Nobody wants to hear my wails any longer, they want me to move on... as I should. But I can't. Sure, other girls have suffered much worse. But other girls aren't quite as hopeless as I am. It doesn't help that I suffer from severe depression and lack of self-esteem. I can't remember ever feeling so downcast. I know he won't say anything to me again, and yet still I'm waiting. I guess that I'll be waiting forever.

The word Heartbreak means something to me now. It means a lot to me. I'd do anything not to have this weight anymore. I'd do anything to destroy the loneliness, anything not to be such a pathetic, sniveling weakling.

LittleWhiteRoom LittleWhiteRoom
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 9, 2013

I feel your pain.
What it's like to loose all hope, and not being able to move on, even if everyone tells you to do so.
Take as long as you need to recover, please.
First love is never easy, especially not to get over it.
To not be loved again, it hurts.
It's good of you to share your story, here people will listen to you, and try to help you.
And if you ever feel like you want to talk, contact me.
Stay strong, but also take your time.

Thank you, it always feels better to connect with those who know what you're going through. Which, as I believe, is the point of this site to begin with.
And I really think I could benefit from someone to speak with, someone who understands my whimpering and depressive state. In the real world I tend to keep such feelings to myself, I know nobody wants to hear what I have to say about my personal matters. I hope dearly that you are faring better than I, kind people don't deserve to suffer so.

I couldn't agree more.
It's important to be able to tell someone how you feel, if it's either through speaking or by typing it out.
There is always someone willing to listen, you just have to find them.
And I've sort of been there myself, with this hopeless feeling.
Kind people don't deserve to suffer, indeed.
But they get hurt more easily because they are kind.
The trick is to not get bitter or hateful after everything that happened, but to STAY kind.
For anything else, I'm here for you.