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Hollow

I, like many other people in this group, have been feeling hollow, numb, or even emotionless. I feel like I have to put on a mask everyday, fake-smile to one of my friends, tell a joke to get a laugh and see if it has an effect, throw a fake-laugh at one of my friend's comments. I felt nothing when my younger brother came home from a mental hospital a week ago, felt nothing when I found out one of my friends that I care about has completely turned away from me, even refusing to look in my direction, and felt the echo bounce around in my mind when said friend hooked up with another guy. I started to harm myself for a while, but after a while of feeling no sort of release, and realizing the only reason I like it was because I was supposed to feel something that wasn't there, I quit. I've decided that, possibly, the best way to overcome this feeling would to be share it with the world, even if it's not directly but over the Internet.

I don't want to go to a therapist and tell my mother this every time she brings up any type of psychological evaluations because in the seventh grade, I tried to go to a therapist for the same reason, but felt no kind of release. It was more like I just sat there and interviewed him. Turns out he didn't originally want to be a therapist, but after a few years in college realized that he wasn't cut out for the physical side of medicine, like dealing with intestines and cadavers. Anyways, that was a waster of time and thought it better to put on the mask I've been wearing for four years. I do take it off every now and then and turn cold and apathetic to the world, but that always ruins my relationships with friends, more recently the one with my friend. I have always had a fear of losing a friend and wanted to see what sort of effect that would have on the numbness.

It worked. I was angry for about a week, the first half at her for not paying me any attention (*** of a move), and the last...three weeks hating myself (hey, at least it's an emotion...sort of)

Oh, and if you're reading this and decide therapy isn't for you, think again. Although some medicines have been proven to actually increase the effects of emotional numbness, there is an even larger chance that these medicines can help you instead. Please, consult your doctor for more information about these drugs before taking them.
howlerwolf howlerwolf 16-17 Apr 28, 2011

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