Ready For Heaven

I am a Christian, which I suppose is ironic if I'm suicidal. I guess most are supposed to love life, love God, and save others from suicide or whatever. Even though I hate God (hating Him doesn't mean I don't believe in Him or Jesus and all), all I want is to end this life and head to Heaven. I've been given the short end of the stick since day one, literally. My birth parents didn't want me, so that's why I can say that. It's more than just getting jaded in life; it's also dealing with already existing psychological issues. I don't take stress, hardship, or undeserved crap very well. I'm prone to heavy depression without even needing a reason. Couple this with actually having a ton of reasons, and there goes the will to even live. To tell you the truth, the only 2 reasons I never committed suicide (aside from 2 serious attempts when I was younger) are because I spent years not knowing if I'd go to Heaven if I did, even if I am a Christian. The other reason is fear. Meaning that I'm literally too much of a wienie to actually inflict so much pain on myself that it would end my life. I know now that Christianity doesn't 'expire' when this happens (not looking for spiritual guidance or opinions here- just giving you an outlook on me). And I also see now that the pain I live with every day just by breathing is more than the pain I would bear if I took any one of a number of reasons out.
So now I plan seriously my departure. This 'story' isn't really a reaching out for help- it's just to let everyone know how much pain I'm in because I've always been pretty vocal about that.
I've planned my date, which is my birthday (don't think I set accounts up giving my actual birthday by the way...). I want it on this date so my loved ones have one less day out of the year to grieve more than usual. My birthday and the day I die is then combined as one. I have my final wishes made with several copies around. Many loved ones don't know each other's contact info, so I've had that covered, as well. My finances will be in order as the time comes, mainly to coincide with my final wishes. I plan to die in one of the areas I often used to go off-roading in. My only undone detail is how to do so. I can't obtain a gun for a few more years thanks to a colorful recent past, I've tried overdosing in the past and that didn't help (made me pretty sick obviously, but people found me and saved me like the stupid ***** they are). I can't bring myself to the pain of slicing my wrists enough to be fatal, and there's no ability to hang myself where I plan to die. I have enough time to decide on which way to go, though, so that will be covered.
To answer the upcoming questions I get all the time when people try to "talk me out of this", I am in therapy and on medication. Have been for years. Just because these 2 exist doesn't mean I don't feel anymore, or that I forget my past. I do have loved ones, yes. But I can't live just for others anymore than someone in a sobriety program should be remaining clean/sober for someone else that can very well fail them at some point. They say that people who commit suicide are selfish because they don't think of the ones that love/miss them, but it's the other way around. It's selfish to try and make someone hang around on earth just for you when all they want to do is die because of the amount of insufferable pain they're in every waking moment.
I wish I could kill myself now. I'm just in so much pain that I don't even care enough for everyone else to wait around for not only the holidays to end, but for my birthday to come up. I'm simply just too God damn lazy. Thank God to everyone that I'm too depressed to kill myself, right? Hmm. For now, though, I will remain to walk around bitter, pissed off, and always on the verge of tears. Until my expiration date arrives.
DesrtRat28 DesrtRat28
Nov 30, 2012