I feel like I'm a walking contradiction at times, and a lot of my shared experiences on this site prove it. One of my experiences is ... " I Want A Man Who Is Willing To Fight For Me..." another is ... "I Want A Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet..." yet I have experiences that says ... "Decided Not To Need Anyone..." and ... "Am Scared of Relationships..."
There's a part of me that craves, even desires, human contact ... touching, kissing, caressing, being held, making love ... but there's also a part of me that feels weak and is terrified for wanting all this! Whenever I let someone get that close to me ... when I open myself up to them in that personal and intimate of a way ... it's like giving them permission to hurt me and I can't allow myself to be hurt again. I lose myself when I'm in a relationship and that scares me. I haven't been in a relationship since I left my marriage in 2002. I still trying to find the women I was before I met my ex-husband. I know she's still inside, but I have no idea how to find her. I have never dealt with the abuse from my marriage, and I know that in order to heal and move on I have to face it head on, but it terrifies to even think about it. It like a never ending circle ... I want to move on and be happy, but my past won't let me.