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Contradiction

I feel like I'm a walking contradiction at times, and a lot of my shared experiences on this site prove it. One of my experiences is ... " I Want A Man Who Is Willing To Fight For Me..." another is ... "I Want A Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet..."  yet I have  experiences that says ... "Decided Not To Need Anyone..." and ... "Am Scared of Relationships..."

There's a part of me that craves, even desires, human contact ... touching, kissing, caressing, being held, making love ... but there's also a part of me that feels weak and is terrified for wanting all this!   Whenever I let someone get that close to me ... when I open myself up to them in that personal and intimate of a way ... it's like  giving them permission to hurt me and I can't allow myself to be hurt again.  I lose myself when I'm in a relationship and that scares me.  I haven't been in a relationship since I left my marriage in 2002.   I still trying to find the women I was before I met my ex-husband.   I know she's still inside, but I have no idea how to find her.  I have never dealt with the abuse from my marriage, and I know that in order to heal and move on I have to face it head on, but it terrifies to even think about it.   It like a never ending circle ... I want to move on and be happy, but my past won't let me.

deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Feb 14, 2010

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It seems that being loving and attractive while dating takes different stuff than doing so while married. I have been married twice myself, and I know the enormous pain of divorce. I keep thinking that I have to learn how to identify which dates are, deep down in their hearts, good, loving people. I thought I had found such when I married twice. <br />
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I still believe in love, and that the greatest joy in life can only come within a deeply loving marriage. Does that make me a hopeless romantic, and is it a truth?

I know starting over is difficult,and i have decided now to stay alone after leaving a violent relationship 4yrs ago.Not every one chooses this path,maybe counselling may be good for you so you can learn to let go of some of your fears.I hope you have a good future,everyone deserves to be loved in a good way.All men aren't bad guys,i have been married 3 times without success thats why im not looking any more.

I understand this. I had always stood on my own. Never wanting or needing anyone. I thought. But...<br />
then it happened. It wasn't like I was enslaved either...I gave up nothing of myself, and I gave up all, I was completed and still individual. Strange there really aren't words for it. :)<br />
I think each of has that two-sided coin inside of us. It is finding the balance that is the mystical magical part.