I Don't Know What To Do With Myself

First and foremost, I'm clinicly depressed and have bi-polar 1 and it can get pretty severe. I was diagnosed when I was 14 or 15 and here I am 21 and have thought that through all the therapy I've done, it would help me during this difficult time im having but **** just keeps happening and I'm very close to really losing it. it's not exactly the cutting I have the urge for it's more like inflicting bodily pain onto myself. Either thru cutting, or punching myself, or banging a part of my body or my entire body onto a very hard surface, or using my nails to scratch myself to bleed and inflict pain. All these negative emotions it's so overwhelming. My body feels as though its going to explode that i feel the need to relinquish it out somehow. My boyfriend is in jail, trying to figure out the whole jail system was very frustrating and wanted to rip out my hair, i have to go to court soon for some stupid ****, things arent really working out wit my job on top of that i only work 2 days outta the week so im scrapping by, my car's transmission is gone so i have no car to get to work, i got sick from this whole influenza outbreak and so did my whole family(and very, very bitchy), my mom's car's battery decided to die on her, walked with her to walmart sick and crampy (i didnt want her to walk alone), and just recently I find out my boyfriend has a bench warrent for some kind of bullshit that they are trying to pin him on so he wont be getting outta jail as scheduled. He keeps my sane, and more importantly a very happy girlfriend. I rely on him for when I'm feeling down and he's not here. I would talk to my best friend too but talking and venting isnt really helping much anymore. I usually would just smoke some weed and it'll mellow me out make me have more positive thoughts but i dont have any. my depression is really bad it doesnt seem i can pull myself from this. And all this **** happened in less than a month.
RoseBlack29 RoseBlack29
18-21, F
Jan 15, 2013