Support During This Life Transition

I have been trying to recover from intense, emotionally unstabilizing, life alterating panic. At first I worked desperate to bury myself in anything to help distract from the memories that intruded daily, frequently in my life. From physical pain flashbacks and emotions of fear, grief, shame, and anxiety. I feel completely deseperate. I cannot quite seem to even grasp any new concepts, or even to really function easily. Living has become a struggle. I want to quit my job because of the anxiety and judgements that keep stirring up the fear and grief of not being able to protect myself from such an intimate assault. I pray consistently, meditate, read, reach out. Now, I have a trigger point from this assault. Since he squeezed my neck while assaulting, when my neck gets touched if I am not prepared - like my child coming up behind me and hugging me, I go instantly into a panic mode. Sometimes I yell. I feel horrible for yelling at my child for trying to show me affection. I explain to my child, but still it adds to my guilt. My boyfriend, now an ex, left because he thinks I have the trigger from depression and got mad at me for an angry one sentence text. I forget time and place. I have emotions that numb out because of the intensity of negative emotions - if I don't numb out I get overwhelmed and wouldn't be able to function. I can hardly believe that this is now life. That the abuser gets to go to school and continue on in life and work and do well. I am angry that there is no justice. That the police won't even make a phone call to tell the abuser to not contact me. I am angry at people who offered support just downplay my emotions, minimize the trauma, harass me, blame me, or side with the abuser. I am so shattered by the continued betrayal. Sometimes its so overwhelming. I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to endure or continue to pretend that I am okay. I pray for hours each day, and it helps immensely. If I don't schedule hours, I can't get through my day. I am grateful that I have been able to maintain the function in my life that I have, however I am afraid. I am afraid that I will fall apart and not be able to keep my job to provide for my kids or be able to give them extra things in life, like vacations. I feel horrible that they have to have a mom who decided to go and have a date that ended up traumatizing her. I keep trying to give my self a goal of 5 years to feel better and just keep working towards it. I am exhausted from being shamed, from being judged for not being emotional enough. I have to numb out my emotions to some level or I could not leave my room. I have lost relationships. I have made poor decisions and acted reactively. Before this assault, I was able to push guys off, to say no firmly and enforce it. Now, I get so easily overwhelmed from all the emotional residue of the assault that verbalizing myself is difficult. Living is difficult. Its not that I don't get enjoyment out of life, I do, its just muted and takes a lot of effort. I hope that the continued practice I will be able to overcome. Prayer, practice, and patience with myself. And an end to flashbacks. Please an end or decrease in flashbacks. And some support. The belief that even one person could be here to hold me while I cry, to allow me to express whatever emotion I need to express without being told how wrong it is or misplaced, to just be happy to be with me because who my soul is has not changed, I just have had a trauma that has robbed me parts of my soul, destroyed my sense of safety and I reached out and was burned, manipulated, coherced and left all because I couldn't keep myself protected even with my best ability I eventually froze in fear for need to survive and now am scared. Well here is to keeping trying and hoping for support with PTSD and my desire to escape PTSD with addiction. I will keep on hanging on to the hope of the power of prayer.
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4 Responses May 13, 2012

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and in such emotional detail. I thought I was alone, but this describes my struggle so well. I've managed, but it isn't enough anymore.

ditto i too struggle with ptsd ,ive lost my job ,cant get any mental health help the dwp says im fit for work lifes hard x

My heart truly goes out to you. What you experienced and what you are going thru now are terrible. My wife has ptsd and it is overwhelming. She has recently started seeing a therapist that deals with ptsd and it seems to be helping. If at all possible I would suggest seeking out someone who deals with ptsd. You can go to an internet search engine and just type "ptsd therapist in anytown, usa" and it should bring up a list of people in your area. My wife has shown a lot of the behavior that you just described, so if it's helping her, it might help you too. Please stay hopeful !

Suggestions:<br />
Your local women's center, call them and see if there is counseling or support groups....also help in getting a restraining order against the guy who date-raped you.<br />
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You might try getting a massage..but get a female whom you feel comfortable with. I would tell her why you want a massage: in part, to desensitize you to being touched in ways that remind you of getting attacked.<br />
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This is not your fault. None of it is. Please stop blaming yourself.