Shootings

I remember coming home the day Columbine happened and my family was in the living room watching it on the tv, it was being covered on the local news. I remember that day so vividly. My cousins went to school there, they were not injured. I never felt like I could relax in a public place ever again. I had been to their school and the park, and watched them play soccer there. Why was I so weak that it affected me so much? They seemed to recover so fast from the trauma, I never got over it. I have struggled with Social Anxiety for many years, its hard to explain you don't want to go to a party because you feel that you will die. I have been diagnosed with Social Phobias, Social Anxiety, GAD, and PTSD.

Then the movie theater shooting happened and it has turned my world upside down, I have been struggling greatly these past few months. I live 30 minutes from where that happened and have been to that theater. I can't seem to get up the courage to do much anymore... even getting near windows in my home can make me terrified. I usually just push through it and try my hardest to not burst into tears at random times. If I don't talk to anymore I can usually make it through a short shopping trip or a drive to my parents house. I'm so scared all the time. I can't sleep past 5-6 am anymore, I wake up scared that someone is in the house. This used to happen a lot growing up, I installed a dead bolt lock on my bedroom door as a teenager. My parents would leave me and my brother alone for weeks on end, he would throw parties every night and there would be 20-30 strangers in the house. I would just lock my door and try to stay calm... try to escape into video games. I cried a lot and isolated myself because I was ashamed of how scared I was.

I think of the two girls who survived the theater shooting together, and how horrible it must have been to feel the hot blood of your best friend leaking out between your fingers as you try desperately to stop the bleeding. I feel so sad for the loses that the world has had to endure.
Lettingitgoforgood Lettingitgoforgood
22-25, F
Dec 15, 2012