Face Your Dragons.

That is what my grandmother always told me, sometimes life is terrifying sometimes people do awful things but you cant give up you have to Face your dragons you CANT give up because if you do Your dragons will eat you alive and life will just get worse. well one of my dragons is called PTSD and its a dragon like my MPD/DID that i have been struggling with since i was...huh id say 6 at the youngest...pretty early on really seems like i am trapped in a loop sometimes, ill be swimming at a pool, always been a strong swimmer always have been verry good at it, and then as someone accidentally hits my head under water. there is this panic. suddenly i gulp in a ton of water i cant seem to get my legs and arms to work because in my head there's my friend when i was 4 holding me underwater because she thought it would be "funny" i swear i can still hear her laughing in my head, or i am having a great day and then i find out i am going to the doctors. and poof my day is ruined i had a lot of bad experiences of those places...when i was 5 i had this really abusive teacher who encouraged and rewarded the other kids when they hurt me, i was not allowed to smile, or cry i would get hurt worse one day this girl pushes me off the swing pins me to the ground she was going to punch me so i caught her arm and i bit her....our teacher had me locked in a mental hospital didn't tell my parents, i still have faint scars on both my arms that match up from the place, ever since i had nightmares where i would litterly be screaming and sobbing in my sleep...the doctors office has always been a battle ground i would often have to be knocked out or strapped down even for a simple check up because i was hysterical id run id bite id kick id scream id be sobbing....it was a mess...them strapping me down just reminded me of the mental hospital and i would get even more hysterical, once when i was 6 i think i was at the dentist i axidently woke up sooner then i should have. i think that startled him he axedently got my gums and i out of shock bit him probably as hard as i could. i wouldnt/couldnt let go...out of reflex he hit me.. i ran off the chair hid in the bathroom took grandmother a hour to get me out my face was red and bruised even. ever since all that i have HATED the color white. the smell of the docters office and anything medical related...im scared of fire too...after the bullies barricading me in a old wooden shed nearly burning me alive or chaseing me around with matches or lighters. playing burn the witch...i think anyone would be...i hate being reminded of my past i get very nervous and upset or angry..sometimes ill start shakeing ill get nauseated stuff like that...ive always been a little clingy to a cirtain freind who was helping me alot. maybe a realitive or a teacher or something. i would get really upset or scared growing up if they went somewhere without telling me because id feel like they abandoned me, ive been suicidal and self destructive since i was 6 as ive said threw other posts on here so i wont repete myself...i get startled really easily if someone sneaks up on me even on axident. sometimes i've punched them or kicked them or something...without thinking truely...i wasnt trying to be mean..i just always have been on my toes probably to a fault..the flashbacks i get sometimes make me extreamly hysteric to the point i dislocate or one of my alters come out....i get randomly extreamly depressed or extreamly irrattated or angry...


...face your dragon...

i just want to be ok....someday im going to be...

i just have to be..