PTSD,MAJOR Deppression,and Anxiety
about 3 years ago i was almost killed. i had my hands bound behind my back and was brutally beaten by 10-12 "men",.... the attack lasted 4-6 minutes,.. although, yes.... it seemed like much longer.after i was bound and thrown to the ground, i was maced in the face,..... hit with wooden batons and flashlights,... and kicked repeatedly all over my body, though most were aiming for my head.although i couldnt see my attackers i felt the blows they inflicted upon me. one of them kept jumping up and down on my head,"as if to try and pop it open",.,.... i was beaten into unconsciousness,..... i know i would have died that day had a crowd not gathered ,..... knowing they were being watched my assailants finally stopped beating me.one onlooker had the presence of mind to take pictures with his camera phone,........ he was then grabbed by a couple of cops,.... his phone was smashed into many pieces and he was arrested and charged with "disorderly conduct",... the charges against him were later dropped.i spent 5 painfull days in jail,.. while there my lover of 15 years visited me,... in the visiting room she could not recognize me at all. she realized it was me only after we were within 2 feet of each other. she later told me that she thought i was "a black guy", because my entire face was completly blue and purple,swolen up,"like a basketball" i recieved NO medical treatment after my beating. after being bailed out i went to the emergency room and was treated for massive contusions all over my body. since that day i havent slept more than 2-3 hours a night and this small amount of rest is always interupted by horrendous night terrors / nightmares,the theme is always the same: i am being tortured to death,... other times just outright killed. shortly after this violent event i was diagnosed with,p.t.s.d., major depression, and anxiety.my relationship with my fiance has suffered horribly,.. as well as every other aspect of my life; i can find no comfort, in anything.i have no desire to do much of anything...... hobbies and such that i was once very passionate about,.. no longer interest me @ all. for all intensive purposes im not "myself",.... and i hate who / and what i have become / allowed myself to be reduced to,...... i am however slowly trying to gain perspective on what was done to me and how i can "make myself well again",........ it is a very slow and painfull process.minute to minute,... day to day,In this the aftermath,..... i struggle to gain back what was taken away from me on that day.