No Fight In Me

I wish I knew how to advize you. I chose to shove the experience down deep. I've lived a long time now, and I don't remember most of my life. There is a price to pay when you desensitize yourself to this extent. But I've functioned, I've been producitive. I've loved and been loved. Maybe my path was the best one I could have chosen....but get professional help. I never did.

And Shelby,there have been many times when I have been happy. It's possible when living in moments of great joy. When appreciating immediate circumstances....like living with a good man, the birth of a child, motherhood itself, an interesting journey. Even if your nerve endings are covered in cotton, its not such an unpleasant sensation. Peeling back the cotton, reliving the moment...not a good idea. Additional injury and maybe an infection can happen.

Be careful! I was lucky, looking back on the years I spent getting high, I was lucky that I didn't get into anything dangerous. Ambition was non existent, I've had a decent standard of living only because of my husband....gee. Get professional help.

Now I'm worried about you when I consider your age. You have no time to waste. If you've experienced a trauma, treat yourself as you would nurse a wounded pet....gently, with great compassion and patience. Don't worry the wound, leave it alone. Keep all conflict from your door! You don't have the system to tolerate it. And find sympathetic help. I came from a tradition of tough stoicism, no one ever admitted to any weakness or need, it just wasn't ever done. We put on brave faces. Sigh, that's a whole other discussion....Good luck, hon. Do whatever you need to do to survive. Life still holds joy, don't turn your back on the good and healthy aspects of it. I hope I have helped in some way

It's really sad when something as complex as emotions (or even people) are habitually described as "negative" (or "positive"). This represents a really unfortunate refusal of the opportunity to really learn from experiences (including the experience of conflict with others), and to learn to really understand (and be able to helpfully describe) emotions (and emotion-charged experiences). It's not easy, but learning to accept *all* the nuances and sometimes apparently contradictory layers that emotions & experiences can involve is a really important thing to work on, as is learning to accept the constant fact of one's own subjective responses to things in the world.
We humans get a real ego reward out of passing judgement of any kind, and habitually slapping the label of "negative" or "positive" on things is really an addiction to that very easy-to-get type of emotional reward.

No it really isn't sad, it's reality. I really don't think you understand what these people experience. What you’re describing is fine for specific events where talking to a wise trusted friend or relative will allow this to clear. Would you care to try to and explain the missed opportunity for real learning and understanding that some of my clients have experienced? How these trapped negative emotions that have decimated their lives are missed opportunity for real learning and understanding?

I had client, a young woman, a mother. She locks her daughter in her car seat in the back seat of her car to protect her. While putting groceries in the trunk she suddenly hears screeching tires, a split second later the sound of crunching metal and busting glass. Her car being hit and it bursting into flames. Her daughter crying screaming at the top of her lungs “MOMMY HELP ME! MOMMY IT”S BURNING ME! HELP ME!” over and over again. Mom suffered 3rd degree burns trying to get into the car. The little girl burned to death screaming at the top of her lungs.

This scene playing non stop, over and over again in mom’s head. All of the negative emotions attached to this. Do you think you can even begin to imagine what these emotions attached are and what this event did to her? So what positive emotions do you think she experienced from this event? What opportunity for real learning and understanding do you think she missed after having this running through her mind for years? I think she had learning to accept *all* the nuances of this event by the second time she had tried to commit suicide. What opportunity for real learning and understanding do you think she missed by me turning off this recording and helping her get rid of this? By giving her, her life back?

I understand that you think we should learn from these experiences and you’re right. I just don’t think you grasp how some of these negative experiences impact and affect people.

Be well,
Larry

Larry, you are obviously very emotionally committed to your use of the terms "negative" and "positive" in reference to emotions and experiences.

I'm afraid you are wrong in your conjecture about what I do and don't grasp.

The terms "negative" and "positive" are unhelpfully simplistic, vague and dismissive. The English language provides many useful and much less reductively judgemental adjectives (for example "painful, challenging, difficult, damaging") and learning to expand your vocabulary around this would allow you to understand the nuances of emotions & experiences, without the reductive judgements inherent in "positive" and "negative". Of course, you would first have to be willing to accept that emotions and experiences have more nuance than is contained in these terms.

I hope that clarifies my point enough for you to understand it now.

-G

Gee, How did this discussion get by me? Very interesting. I want to weigh in just for a brief second. What happened to me was sudden, violent, wretching and final, along the lines of the horrible accident newhope describes. Trust me. There was nothing positive about it. Its occurence could only be construed in negative terms. The idea of having to find something positive in it makes me want to throw up. And judgement does not play a part in that reaction. ITs visceral.

GoogleyEye,
Oh I keenly understand the nuances; I get to see them all the time. I don't play in word gymnastics, but I do deal with real people with very real traumatic experiences that are having a very profound effect on their life. They really aren't the least bit interested in the subtle nuances in the language used to describe their experience which has had a very profoundly negative impact on the way they live the rest of their life. Hearing about these subtle nuances doesn't bring them any relief, nor help them heal.

We stick words onto experiences as references, but it's the experience, not the word that's important. You are more then welcome to play word games, but it all boils down to what we like and dislike. What affects us positively and what affects us negatively and where on that sliding scale what we just experienced affects us and our response to it.

If I say "wegrey yre jmasdue ne nwefuus erdc rowzxc" these words would mean nothing to you, just letters on the screen. You have no experience with them, no experiential reference point for them.

If I were to say "the smell of a beautiful red rose", if you've ever had that experience you know exactly what these words mean. Without experience to reference, subtle nuances are just words to play with.

The subtle nuances of non-consensually having your face bashed in, your clothes ripped from your body, punched and strangled not knowing whether or not you are going to live while having your orifices repeatedly violently violated, not enjoying a millisecond of this experience, yup a negative experience pretty much describes it. I'm quite sure you could go through and pick out all of the subtle nuances of all the experiences repeatedly felt during this muti-day event, but I can tell you quite definitely, the receiver of this viewed it as a very negative event. Having experienced it, not the least bit interested in describing the subtle nuances of the experience. Having the subtle nuances of the experience described to them, not the least bit interested nor helpful. They couldn't pack the crap up and get rid of it quick enough.

So please GoogleyEye, show me how writing out subtle nuances are going to help these people?

Children who have been sexually, physically, psychologically, emotionally abused. You see by the time I see them, their judgements of their experiences are already firmly in place.

Would you like me to write out all the subtle nuances of the fear a child feels as they hear those footsteps coming, again. The helplessness of knowing what is about to happen, again, and feeling totally helpless to do anything as they are being violated. Nowhere to run. No where to hide. The child screaming inside, but terrified to utter a word because they know just how bad it can get. They've already had that experience.

Tell me how describing all the nuances of this experience to the child will help them be whole again? How doing so will help them appreciate all the nuances of their experiences?

Be well,
Larry