No Fight In Me
This experience stopped me in my tracks. I am decidedly not fighting to overcome Ptsd. In fact, it was only a few weeks ago that I even realized that I might have, indeed, had Ptsd at the age of 15. Something very violent, sudden and awful happened to me back then. I don't want to say what it was. Saying it won't change it. But the thing is, my way of dealing with it was to keep it way down inside. Where I come from, it was the preferred way to cope. There weren't any trauma counselors or anything like that back then anyway.
When it happened, as the fabric of my existense was ripped apart, instead of screaming, my tv besotted mind actually flashed a vision of an old tv show, the Get Smart opening credits, a series of slamming doors. Here, I found it on youtube. Watching it now is strange. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvMj5LuT5hk&eurl=
I split myself apart in the moment, I was two people, one inside, one outside. One shoved the other down. I instinctively barricaded my fifteen year old self in, the slamming doors protecting me from feeling her reaction to what was happening. So I could be safe from her! That instantaneous defense has served me well. Maybe I've lived in a bit of a fog but I've also been a fairly functional human being. The only reason I am writing this now is to document what happened a few weeks ago. I heard a song that was popular back before the incident happened. The young girl came out to listen! I felt her. And experienced an exceptionally happy person! One who had felt joy on a regular basis! I had completely forgotten that I was ever like that at all. My own capacity for happiness was news to me. I'm glad I found her out. The question is, do I dare find her again?