I Can't Believe I Have Ptsd It's Not Possible

Two people have mentioned to me that they think I have PTSD. So I thought hmm I'm not a soldier. I haven't been in a bad car accident. I haven't seen any traumatic events other then on t.v. But I have been recently attacked. Still I felt I was doing fine with the attack. The thing that is bothering me is the bully at my workplace. The bullying of me is so bad that I have anxiety attacks at work and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. The bully crap I'm dealing with at work has brought up an old bully memory. It happened many years ago, but the pain of that bully episode is stronger then ever. I realized that for years I've been plagued with that pain. I try to avoid that pain by not going around the family members who bullied me years ago. But still it haunts me. I felt I had forgiven these people for what they did to me years ago, but that I choose not to go around people who are abusive. (which is what bullying is ABUSE) So now that I'm being bullied in my workplace I seem to be having all kinds of stress and other problems. So when I looked up what PTSD was I was shocked to find that the symptoms they have, I match almost all of them. How can bullying cause me to have PTSD? I'm sure that the attack is also a contributor. But really all I think about is humans and how can they be so cruel? I find myself feeling hopeless because I can't believe that humans can be so cruel. When I think about what my boss is doing to me at work, I do feel like I'm seeing something to unbelievable to believe. I am shocked. I sometimes think that if I had been in a bad car wreck and I saw something horrible like someone's body part being cut off. That is how I feel about being bullied. It's like I can't believe it. It can't be true is what I keep saying in my mind. It can't be true that humans are so cruel. I've never been cruel. So how can others be cruel? It's so hard for me to believe that I do feel hopeless about my future. I wonder why this is the second time that I'm being bullied. The bullying is exactly the same. The person doing the bullying now is doing exactly what the others did to me. The silent treatment, the not making eye contact, the ignoring and pretending I do not exist. The manipulating of others to not like me, the getting others on their bully team against me. I didn't do anything to deserve being treated like this or abused like this. So I'm left standing in disbelief. It's not possible that humans are this cruel, I keep telling myself this. And then when I realize that humans are cruel, I feel hopeless. There seems to be no point to living. 

Mala22 Mala22
46-50, F
3 Responses Feb 5, 2010

As a 57 yo guy with ptsd, I'd like to add that you do have symptoms of ptsd. The key is always in our past and as you said, abuse is abuse is trauma. Regardless of "label" I think the key is in your past. Many of us bury traumatic things so deep that we have no memory of them. Regardless, your past is traumatic enough to impact the present and the future. The "attack"? combined with the bullying all combine together to form triggers and self beliefs that are lies. The trick is in processing all the past, along with the present:finding those lies we believe and installing the truths. EMDR worked wonders for me to do this.<br />
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I'd like to add that you "feel" like there is/was not enough trauma in your life to cause PTSD. Most of the trauma, I think, (or much?) comes from the fact that you can not believe people can be so cruel. In you mind, that is NOT normal or common just like some other trauma is not normal/common to those you equate with "earning" ptsd. It's all about dealing with things that are outside the "normal" , and how we "stuff" the difficult things so we can survive or continue to do our jobs etc. Really no different than the blood and guts I waded thru. PTSD is a survival mechanism to enable us to...keep going, and bites us in the end. In your case, a begining would be to accept the fact...people are cruel. They are. Not all are, but many are. Once you accept that fact it is no longer....abnormal or uncommon, it removes the need to run, or bury or...do whatever you may do to survive. I think the other big part for you is gaining an understanding of how and why your actions, behavior, etc may?? tend to cause the bullying. It is a fact that "victims" attract more trauma etc. Maybe a big part is you knowing you can lay down different boundaries. For all of us:we have to get past the victim mentality and move into survivor mode...then into thrive mode. None of this is a critisicm...just a statement of fact that we all have to deal with. It's all the same really (ptsd, or just ptsd symptoms?) It's all the same war just a matter of the many different battles we all fought. <br />
Don't negate what you have been thru. The lessons, knowlege and treatments for PTSD apply. Don't worry about the label.<br />
Let me know if I can help. There is a point to living....and I have a permanent disability. I have gained in many ways but am far from perfect. What excites me about you is...I think it can be relatively easy for you to make a lot of progress.


to mala22...just wanted you to know that you are not alone..i also have PTSD and my doctor told me it<br />
's because of the sexual and physical abuse i suffered as a child.....these things affect you all your life but you can learn how to deal with it and live a normal happy life as i have....i urge you to seek counseling...it really helped me...you can tell the counselor anything and it is held in strictest confidence...it's a way of getting your feelings out so you can learn to handle them or you can just vent if that helps you....best of luck to you and take good care of yourself.