I'm Stuck financially and emotionally*******please help***********

******please help***** leave a comment*****   I've had this on my shoulders for a long time and never really confided in anyone so i really hope no one openly harshly judges me and just offers constructive criticism please. anyhow here it goes:

   for about a few years before I turned 19 i have been having problems with my parents and have been suffering from depression,I started cutting and pulling my eyelashes out. I didn't get accepted for my first year of college and i needed to take night courses. my motivation started to slip and my parents would get more on my case. i finally dropped out when my mother asked me why i bother going to school. my marks where marginal and i soon just left. I figured a break would help me clear my head. I would train more at the martial arts club I was in since i was 15 more often but i started to slack on that too.  that ended when I felt suicidal not realizing i was experiencing a mental break down scared some of the club members and my teacher blamed me for it..my dad sent a very insulting email resulting in my not going back...

as I turned 20 I met a neighbor across the street through his friend,I didn't pay any mind to the huge age gap then(I just turned 22 and he is 60). (perhaps you could call it a daddy issue relationship).

we got engaged romantically . plus secretly,we evolved into a relationship. my parents soon found out from neighbors and they where enraged. my entire life i've done what they want,tolerated everything they or my grandmother said(even though she was horrible to me they made me go so she wouldn't bother them plus to make my grand father happy) and this was the first time I rebelled,so i did. I kept seeing the guy. my parents started behaving differently around me,things started to become stressful. alot of fights went on my dad became nasty. i started cutting ALOT more. at one point my sisters boyfriend suggested Katimavik a volunteering program that evolves me to travel within Canada  at first I refused but my parents pushed for it so I went for it.

so I went from sleeping alot to a more regular schedual I made new friends and it was nice. I started getting stressed cut a few times and wouldn't eat so I called my boyfriend and another friend for some support. my friend encouraged me to stay saying this will help me get my independence from my parents and my boyfriend was leaning for me to move in with him.

I tried to stay longer meanwhile emailing my parents,and called my mom once but she was not really listening to me. so I ended up secretly taking a plane from charlotte town back to montreal.
 katimavik was suppost to last i think 12 months i left after about 1 month.

my parents found out I was back in montreal,and where angry blaming him then me for not telling them. I  stayed with him for a few weeks that was the plan then would of come home but ended up staying longer. i would email my parents once in a while to let them know im okay and what I was doing. I just needed to recuperate mentally before taking any big steps.

at one there would be a bigger time gap between each email so they called the police and filled a missing report and found my number. i received the call,which scared me. and was quickly resolved.

anyhow so far its been three years with my boyfriend and it has helped me establish my independence I moved completely out of my parents house and have all of my belonging per request from my parents if i was not intending to come back. my relationship with my parents has mended enough that I can communicate without being nervous or tolerating behavior that leads to depressive episodes..so I say that is improvement. I have made it clear Im officially out of the house.

but the last few months I've realized I don't feel totally independant,I feel like this is a different version of living at home. I make under the table money from dog walking sitting and cat sitting even my parents hired me. but im not sure its enough to support myself i fear i have too much competition.

i came close to having an affair. well it was more of an emotional affair. I fear I am starting to realize that I am not happy in this relationship. that my parents were to some point right. and I am not romantically as involved as i used to be. this relationship did alot of good for me. I overcame my fear of sex and intimacy even when I would have some experiences that hurt me both physically and emotionally..I learned to communicate to improve it. i learned that not being a virgin doesn't mean Im dirty . I learned that my opinions matter and that how my parents walk all over me and disregard my feeling is wrong and I should say something,and how i say it matters too (I used to wait till i was very angry before expressing myself). there where so many benifits to this relationship. but now I feel like I need to learn to live alone and take care of myself in every way. I don't want to feel like all these positive things depend on someone else yet i can't do it on my own.

and now im realizing that i am not ready to settle down. im not saying i want to sleep around but I find myself feeling uncomfortable socializing for fear of being inappropriate I feel like i have to control my brain 100%. I feel like i have so much to learn,I am too emotionally immature to be in a relationship.it was just I got the love and affection I felt i lacked at home. my feeling were being respected (every aspect). and we would cuddle when I got depressed and I just needed to have that type of relationship with someone,I didn't for a second care about the age gap,I found him comforting and helped me get through alot and I would also soothe is sadness by being all ears and compassionate to his pain. that is initially how I felt drawn or at least one of the reasons. but it worked for about a year or two but the initial reasons i was atrracted to him wore off when I moved in after a year. I realized this relationship was more of a way of healing something that needed healing. now that I feel like I "fixed something within myself" I see this relationship as unhealthy and that I look at him and notice his ageing and don't feel bad when I wish I could be with people more my age. why should i settle for him just because I feel like no other guy will love me and because I feel inadequate. i realize im just setteling because im afraid and because..i dont know this is just giving me a headache. 

I am financially dependent on him for so much. and perhaps emotionally too. I told my parents im well off. i have 550 in the bank and soon making 225 from my parents two dogs and 70 from cat sitting. morst of the money is from walking my parents two dogs and they even are not paying the price i set for my animal buisness. 

I want out but at the same time im too scared I've always been dependent and always been made to feel incompetent by my grand mother and my parents. apparently they always find something to criticize with everything I do with alot of negative connotations. yes im a big baby and i blame them to much but ive always cared what they thought of me and...well that is another story that is way too long to even really write about.

I NEED HELP..I don't know what to do,I tried getting a job,that in itself is job.

any advice?

BelleRaven BelleRaven
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 20, 2012

Am curious, Did you find a way out?
I was in an abusive scene with my 3rd wife -- not only of me but of my 2 kids (fr. previous marriage) and I was financially screwwed, but I got the hell out. It's hard, but I am making it work for them and for my future. Yes, in my 40s I still have to think of my future -- I'm a dad.

Are you still with him?