Who Is Demetrie?I've been asked that a lot lately.. let me share this with you.
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I spent the rest of my life vying for my father's attention hoping I would be good enough for him. I felt unappreciated by him. It was reaffirmed when he got remarried. I understand now that he had to fucs on his new family and his new life because that was what was making him happy. He did put effort into me, and he was proud of me, but I was in my teenage years, I was finding my own way and thinking for myself. They could no longer push their beliefs on me, and they weren't going to make me follow their religious beliefs. There was a rift created.
I threw myself into my job because it was the place my father also worked at. I threw myself into my job because they believed in me, they gave me praise, and htey were proud of me. On the outside, I had very few friends, had no passion for anything in life really, and I was just a loner, so I threw myself into my job.
I went off to college because I thought it was the next step to do in life. Although I was pretty determined to become a social worker, I found out my last semester of my senior year that this was not what i WANTED to do so I put a letter in for full time at my job. They offeredme full time 2 months later. The money was what kept me going for the longest time, and the challenge of management. I got promoted and opened a new store for the next 4 years. Until this past year, when I realized, that I REALLY wasn't a great manager, and I was too much of a perfectionist for this place of employment. I cared too much while I could not push the others to truly care. So I grew complacent and eventually stepped down from my position and eventually quit.
In a huge way, I stayed at my job to feel connected to my father. To feel how proud he was. It's true. That's why I stayed so long. But when it all came down to it, I wasn't hapyp at my job, and all the money in the world couldn't keep me there anymore.
My motto in life is this: Never settle for anything less than happiness.
In the matters of love, I have always searched for a life partner. It was my dream to find someone to enjoy life with and venture with through life. I thought I found him when I was in college. I don't know if part of me rushed through it because I felt I had to find my partner at college, or part of it was knowing I'd be alone after college and I couldnt[ handle it. OR part of it being that his parent swouldn't let us live together unless we were married. I remember I wanted to live with him first to see how things would work out. I think part of it too was the fact that everyone else around me was finding their partners too. So when I started to date him and i FELT safe and secure for the first time in my life, I thought he was the one. Even though we were lousy conversationalists and we really didn't have much in common with one another, and he was very inexperienced in the bedroom. All those things I literally brushed aside because I thought we'd grow together as one. Instead, those very things were what pushed me away from him completely. I married for the wrong reasons. I also compromised in the marriage. I put all the pressure of the bills on my shoulders, he had no idea what we were bringing in or how much debt we truly had. He was the one that wanted the house, so I gave in, and went down that path with him. Sure, I thought it was great that I was able to get a home, however, I just knew me, and realized I wasn't quite ready for one. I wasn't honest with myself. I was more concerned with his happiness than my own during this whole marriage. I thought I wanted things, but the truth was, I didn't.
I was still finding myself.
I never gave much of a thought about myself, for the longest time, because I threw all my energies into other people. I was a people pleaser. I was living for others and not myself.
The divorce I went through was a good thing because it finally opened up my eyes as to what i WAS doing. This is why I'm moving out of state. I want to strike out on my own with no guidance from parents, friends, coworkers. I want to see if I can do this thing, on my own, with the person I TRULY LOVE.
I guess, for some, people would look at me and say I"m adventurous for doing this. The thing is, I've never been adventurous before until this past year. People thought I was crazy when I told them I was heading to Washington DC, on my own, completely. I looked back at them and said, "why?" When I got there, I walked around for hours with my camera completely happy. I was in heaven. And DC was such an easy city to move around in as a pedestrian. I needed to take that trip for myself to prove to myself that I could, on my own.
I am an independent person. I need to prove that to myself over and over again. And I have. This past year was truly about doing some major soul searching and finding out who I truly was, for the first time in my life.
What did I find out?
I found out that I do want a life partner. I want conversation. I want adventure.
I found out that I am a sexual person and I held out for so long. It's my time to truly explore.
I found out that I thrive off of new experiences.
I found out that I am, indeed, a loner, and an introvert, but still seek companionship.
I found out that I want others to put effort into me. If they call me and ask me to go out I'll most likely say yes. I"m rarely the one to initiate first. Most likely, that stems from being rejected a lot in my life.
I found out my passions: travelling and photography and sex
I found out that family is important to me, almost too much that I was constantly hurting myself in the process of my high expectations.
I found out that I honestly can not stay at a job I'm miserable at.
I found out that I am stronger than I even realize.
I found out that nothing is wrong with me at all, I just never thought about myself... ever
deleted 26-30 2 Responses 1 Sep 17, 2010