So Mad I Could Spit

Once everything dawned on me, everything else I questioned started to become evidently clear.

I am a romantic dreamer, trusting, patient. I have been in such an apathetic and unfeeling marriage for years that I was left sheltered and extremely vulnerable right as the divorce was happening.

So that guy. You know, the guy I feel head over heels in love with. They guy that acts like he cares about my kids, thinks fondly of me, and wants to help me out? Yeah, that guy.

I have been so busy with my kids, moving, transitioning. While he is living alone at his house, only sees his daughter every other weekend, and stays at home to work.

He only texts me. He never calls. He says he's a loner but I told him I don't buy it because he's always posting pictures of being out with his friends at an amusement park on a week long trip. At first, he'd text me every day, I'd come over for lunch and watch movies, we went out to a movie together, had dinner together. Then once ugh...I am not that kind of a girl, I am a very old fashioned committed person and I never say these matters in public or ever, but once we slept together he acted different. I heard from him less. Sometimes not at all. But I was up in another state at the time settling my lease and all my paper work issues, a whole ton of things that I wasn't paying attention.

Now that I actually lived in the same city as him for a week now, I see things so clearly. I wasn't going to commit to anything or sign any new leases to live here. I just quietly decided to feel it out for an entire month before settling anywhere. I had all this free time to sit around and think.

He spent all that time talking to me about the move, how my girls are, how's the moving going, and all that stuff. We had plans to see a movie after I settled down in town. But he texts me late one night (which now I can see is a HUGE red flag) and says to come over because he's got such a funny story about a friend he hadn't seen in a while that came to visit. It wasn't really comedy as much as it was, wow, why would you talk about your friend like that behind her back. And it was a "her". So we sit around and talk about a lot of different things.

Before I had gotten to know about his past marriage, how his daughter was, his life now (or what he tells me of it), and whatever it is he is worried about. Blah blah blah. So we were chatting again about everything. He starts off on how amazing I am and no one can compare, blah blah blah, really missed my face, ect. A whole ton of bull. We're laughing and talking up a storm about anything and everything in the world. So the next day I am thinking, cool, this movie night is going to go FANTASTIC!

I didn't even hear from him. So I was upfront, told him if he was busy to just let me know. He said he was forgetful. I said he asked me three times. And he said he understands why I would feel the way I do. I said that I understand. And then nothing. So I tried a test because I already figured it out but I didn't want to go around questioning things else it would drive me mad. The next day, I asked if he still wanted to see the movie and he said he was busy with work. I said this before, but I watched him tool around online with his friends when he's so busy working. Talking out of both sides of his mouth. And then it's been over four days later.

This fantastic piece of work he's working on? Nothing. I saw nothing. And he usually tells his online groupies about what he's doing. His legion of women that openly hit on him. He feels so annoying vapid and superficial now. At least I know I put myself out there, I said what I needed to say and he never answered me, he just avoids me.

He's done this before and I just took a blind side to it because I was acting the same with what was going on. I ran. I got scared of my feelings and I ran. But we were living in different states. Now that we are living in the same city, this is different. This is really wrong and it's hurtful and it's mean. Even if he thinks he's not doing anything wrong or is upset because he didn't mean to hurt me. Well being inconsiderate doesn't mean you tried to hurt the person, it just means you did and you weren't even thinking about the other person's feelings at all.

I know men have their excuses, their times where they stick their head in the sand, but I have my worth, I have my heart on the platter, I have my feelings too. It's not all me me me but I mean this is ridiculous. This is asking for too much patience. I'm not going to sit around and let someone walk all over me like that. Even he doesn't know the face he is wiping his feet on is mine...which makes things even worse because he hasn't put any value into how he treats me on a daily basis.

I need this to get over him. I need this to just say screw it. It doesn't even matter. I deserve better and that was wrong. So so wrong. I am understanding but I am no dope in that way. He doesn't get a third strike, that would probably send me over the edge in pain really and it's not worth it.

I know he reads my stuff and can actually see those updates as he's fiddling around not even working today. Just screwing around on the internet. He reads it! Then he goes offline. This is not paranoia or assumption either. I have been dating him for over five months now, he has ritualistic habits nearly to a slight OCD. I know he has sleep apnea, is slightly allergic to salmon and milk, what his little fears are, what he hopes for, what he dreams about, things that you get to know about a person when you let each other in. It's not just some one time thing or whatever. He knows about my trials and tribulations. He's met my children and knows their different little personalities.

Part of me knows I will get over it but part of me knows the really sweet parts we shared, how much we did support each other at one point, that's what will be hard. I just want to get over crying about that part so I can just get over him and move on. I want to be so over this already but I know with how long it had been, I hate that it's going to take time. It will and I will be ok.

They are never really bad people, just really crappy and inadaquate at being able to maintain reasonable mature adult relationships without acting like narcesstic man baby peter pans. Ha, I think I will be alright. The shock of what I am realizing right now will wear off.

I fell in love with a runner. I stinking obvious runner. Anything serious he feels, he's going to bolt. Really fast. Sorry, she's not going to be there when you've stopped running.