Egnored On Mother Day

Im speaking from the other side of the coin here. Im 27 and I currently don't speak with my mother. It sounds a bit like jinelson's story. Ive been angry at my mom for awhile because of some issues in the past. I tried telling her about this though, but she becomes very defensive. She's also adopted this victim attitude, as if she is waiting on me to be the good daughter simply because she is my mother. But just by being a mother you can't simply erase or ignore all the hurt from the past that kids might have gone through.

jinelson, I understand you were probably a good mother and tried the best you could at the time, but you need to pay attention to your daughter's hurt. She is not talking about being put in classes or being provided for. She says that you weren't there for her. Maybe you may not realize where and how you might have gone wrong... but as a daughter who is also angry at her mom, I would've loved for my mom to just accept the fact that she had hurt me and at least say she was sorry and she loves me and would wish the best for me. Instead, she keeps on telling me how ungrateful I am for all the things she had done. which is not helping at all....

This is what my daughter is doing as well. She doesn't want me in her life. She tells me that when she sees me she gets mad. she is 23 now. I have asked her why; she says because i wasn't there for her when she was little. Although i was a working parent,i spent lots of time at school, with her teachers,administrators, helping her get through school. I was a girl scout leader and we were pretty close until high school. when she didnt make the choir in HS she thought she should be in and wanted voice lessons, we got her voice lessons. she made the choir, then dropped out the next year. she made drill team (her choice to pursue) then told me after high school she did it for me, so she would be the daughter i wanted. Her dad and i divorced during her senior in high school. her dad had moved away to take a job out of state fall of her freshman year in high school. he did not participate in her day to day life from then on, except to come home periodically on weekends, but was never there to tell her he loved her,etc.

i have attemped to get into mother/daughter counciling with my daughter,but she has not been able to agree to it. My ex-husband and I had a co-dependent relationship that was not good. i have learned about it and tried talk to my kids (I also have a son) about it - what it does to how they view things, etc.. it is so painful to understand that in part, yes i failed them, but that there is help to understand it and be more happy. i know you can't always lead people to an outcome,but they willstruggle until they understand how they have been screwed up by this pattern of behaviour. and it wasnt on purpose!

i have told my daughter i would be there for her. i guess i was still making myself a victim though, in the sense that it should be a mutual relationship, that i shouldnt just be waiting for her to be my daughter. i dont know. it is so painful that she is so angry. it is the last thing i would ever wish for her.

well, did she give you answers?

I have tried to talk to her, I have asked her what is wrong, why is she mad. What have I done, and I have said I am sorry and I want to make up and all that. I just don't know. I think I just have to let it go.

Thanks

talk to her about this...she might be harboring some anger you dont know about