43 Year Old Ungrateful Son

I have been crying for the past two days, and I really shouldn't because my 43 year old son, who I raised without the help of my ex-husband has never been any different.  From the time he was a little boy, he would see me preparing for mother's day with my Mom, he was a part of it, restaurants, etc., yet as he grew up, I had to remind him to at least say Happy Mother's Day.  I have enabled him all his life, I take responsibility for that, but to have such an ungrateful child, it is the most hurtful thing I think a parent can experience.  And, he will always have an excuse - I forgot, I thought you were annoyed with me- he turns it around so that I become the bad one.  Yet, I don't stop remembering his birthday, Xmas, helping him - I'm 63 now, and he and I had not lived together for 7 years because he was living in Europe.  I think in the last 3 years that he has been back, he has said Happy Mother's Day once. Friday, will be my birthday, and I know he won't say anything, but that does not hurt as much as  Mom's Day because I was both parents to him.  Although he did not live with my ex-husband, this is a trait that he has like that man.  According to my brother in law, that is something that his brother  would do.  He hasn't even taken the time to get to know and see his own son - he had to be taken to court to support the only child he has.  I was mother and father to my son- no one can make sadder or happier than he can, and yet he only makes me sad.  I've been generous to him, of course that was my choice, and I don't need any material things, I just want to hear him say "Happy Mom's Day" or send a free card online, which he spends most of his time.  I have to move out of my apartment in 6 months, and I want the strength to let him know that he will not be going with me.  I'm unhappy with him and without him in my life - it is just incredible.  I know my friends look at me like what an "doormat" this woman is, and even though they've at sometime helped their children, at this point at least they have gratitude.  I want to stop crying because I don't have mental health coverage, and I can't afford to lose it since it is obvious that he wont be there to support me, or help me thru it.  What annoys me is that the man doesn't change and that I don't either.  I am going to try a CoDa group.  He works as a freelancer, and I allow him to live free with me so that he can save money so that when I leave he leaves also, and yet he doesn't have a penny to his name, but he does have money to buy weed, and smoke cigarettes that are expensive.  Anyway to all of you that have such ungrateful user children in your lives, I hope we all get to the point that enough is enough.
lizzies62 lizzies62
2 Responses May 16, 2012

My heart goes out to you and literally feel your pain. My son is an angry individual. Somehow my son has forgotten all the good and has distorted my role in something bad that happened 30 years ago and in his mind has turned me into some kind of villian. He is too busy to email me, but just recently posted a long angry response to something I posted on Facebook. Dr. Phil said that a parent is only as happy as their saddest child. I don't know if therapy will help you, but hope it does. I pray and try to hold on.

Dear Lizzy,<br />
<br />
this is a very sad story. I understand you with my whole heart. My son has exactly the same character, and our stories are similar. His father left him when he was two. After that he was brought up in a family with a lot of support, affection and love. I am heartbroken, like you. Have a look at my story if you would like to know a little more. It helped me very much to read what you wrote about your (non-) relationship to your son. It makes me feel less alone. I wish you from all my heart that you will never let him mistreat you again. Please have a look at the video I mention in my story.<br />
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