Monday, I Have to Go Back to Work and I Am Terrified.

On Monday I have to go back to work and I am terrified.

Ok here's the backround. I've been off work for 4 weeks now. On Dec.30 I had what could be considered a "nervous breakdown" I guess. Why? Mostly because I can't stand my job, but who doesn't, I know. I'm in sales and it's been extremely difficult these past few months because I really hated it so much and felt completely demoralized. My commission had dwindled. I started to have panic attacks regularly. I would cry in my car. It took every ounce of energy to pull myself together in order to do my daily sales calls. I had to feign enthusiasm and optimism for the future at meetings with my boss and sales prospects.

I felt trapped in my situation mostly because I didn't feel I could get a job anywhere else that would pay me enough to support myself. I don't have a college education and I've only worked in one field, which I cannot stand anymore. I'm also dependant on my on health insurance for medications and have a 401k loan that - if I should leave- I would face substantial penalties on. And also, I'm nearly dead broke.

Here's the other thing. The same week I took leave from work, I happened to get in touch with an old friend of mine who used to work in the same business I did. She told me about the new place she's been working at for the last few years and how much she loves it. Then she suggested I should apply there. I kind of blew it off at first as just her saying something nice. And I really was in no mood to get my hopes up for anything. But she kept encouraging me. And, honestly it did sound like an absolute dream job, and when she told me her salary I could have fainted. So I submitted the resume, I had an interview last week, and have been invited back for a second interview. Which of course is awesome. What's more awesome is my friend telling me that she is 99% certain I've already got the job. "You are so in, believe me." were her exact words, actually. Of course the waiting and anticipation and anxiety over not knowing for sure have been absolute hell.

So what's my problem?

My second interview is not until Tuesday. And I may not know anything about this other job for a week. Tomorrow morning I have to meet with my boss and go over a plan for how I'm going to return to work. He wants me to go with him to all of my accounts and let them know I'm back, get updates, blah blah blah. He said he expects 120% out of me. I'm going to have to face everyone at the office, which is embarrassing enough to do after being out for a mysterious "medical leave." This is all going to feel like a farce to me- even though the other job thing is not for sure, I've realized over these past few weeks that I can not continue to work there anyway because it will kill me.

This all feels like a complete lie and it's freaking me out. I am TERRIBLE at hiding things. I physically can't, because my entire face, neck and chest become flushed when I feel suspect of anything. Right now just typing this I can feel my chest tighten and I have a lump in my throat.

My customers are like my friends. I know some of them have been terribly worried about me. I don't know how I can face them and lie to them (or at least feel like I'm lying to them). I get very emotional at the thought of having to say goodbye to them. I don't know what I'm going to say if my boss asks me if I'm not telling him something - if I mentioned I have interviewed for another job, I'd be immediately fired, period. (BTW, unemployment insurance is not an option for me, but that's a long story)

I know this is way mello-dramatic but you know the movie Moulin Rouge? You know that scene where Satine has to make Christian believe she doesn't love him in order to save his life? I'm not saying it's the same situation, but it feels oddly similar.

If you managed to make it through this long story, thank you for reading. I'm going to go take some Xanax now.



sava744 sava744
31-35, F
Jan 25, 2009