So Sad, Lonely And Tired

I have been married for over 20 years now.  Since I get married I feel that something was out of place, but didn't know what.  Then one day, out of the blue, I noticed that I was the way my husband relates to my friends and family.  Little by little I was isolated.  I gave up my friends, my family.  I started to check how I talk, and who I speaks to, stop making phone calls to friends and family.  Nowadays I even hide all my emotions.  My face is like a mask.  I never show how I really feel.  This is the first time I write something.  Today is 4th of july, I have come to have holidays and other significant celebrations.  They all create a lot of anxiety to me.  I cannot go anywhere, or call any one.  I cannot talk to anyone either.  So I am very sad, but I don't have anywhere to go.  I have no family or relatives where I live now.  My husband has BP, that is Borderline Personality.  He takes a lot of medicines for his mood and other conditions he has, but he have always been kind of neurotic if I may say so.  Well, guess I just have to tell it to someone.  

I sometime write, but the things that I write are so gloomy.  One day maybe I will post them here.  Thanks for being here.  THANKS!
AcidBurnKai AcidBurnKai
41-45, F
1 Response Jul 4, 2011

I have been married for 20years. 3 years into the marriage my husband was diagnosed with a chronic non healing ulcer which up to this day after multiple doctors surgeries had not healed. Trust me NEVER has healed and still in treatment. In 2008 he applied for disability. He hasn't worked and every chance he has will remind me that if he would still be working and wasn't cursed with this disease things would be different. He hates his life and is in mega doses of pain medication. I am so tired of carrying the burden and feel like a am walking on eggshells so as to not get him angry Will continue.