A Life Of Social AwkwardnessI've never had an easy time making friends. I made my first BF in kindergarten; but in 3rd grade she called me a dork and refused to be seen with me. In 4th grade, I was "friends" with two girls who would only talk to me during lunch, in the bathroom, where they wouldn't be seen with me. All three of these girls apologized to me in high school, or at least admitted to "feeling bad about it", but that does nothing to change the experience of it. It wasn't until 7th grade, when I started wearing black band shirts and heavy eyeshadow that I started making some real friends. That's when I met my BF of seven years, but she moved to Florida a few months ago, and then things really started falling apart.
I had very few friends who were in my grade; most were older (as in, graduated from high school already), who I viewed as my "big brothers" since they did what they could to keep me out of trouble. Some were younger than me, who viewed me as a role model, since I was never afraid to be who I was. My three best friends, though - I'll call them C, E, and R - are in my grade. But two of them are no longer in my state. One moved to Florida - like I said - one went into the army and is stationed out of the country. The third - R - is too consumed with his own life to help me with mine.
I have a boyfriend, whom I love very much. We moved about an hour away from our hometown together (which is really what made me realize just how much my friends cared about me - I wasn't even worth an hour drive). But he works night shifts at a gas station, so most of the time I spend waiting from him to come home or wake up (and then he usually has to go to work anyway). I (subconciously?) changed my sleeping pattern to match his, so I could at least see him for the few hours between when he comes home and when he goes to bed.
I think I've been a very good friend to those I've been friends with. I was always the person they went to to vent their problems and get advice. I've seen them through some tough times - we've lost mutual friends, some have lost parents. And when they were having a hard time of it, I was there for a shoulder to cry on and comforting words. I always remembered all of their birthdays, and got them a small present each year.
But now, a sophomore in college, I realize: I've never received a single present from any of them, and since I took my birthday off my facebook page, they don't even remember it (which is really why I took it off in the first place - to see if they would). When I call them, crying, they rarely pick up, and when they do they're too busy or at least tell me they're not available till later. I visit our hometown on Saturdays, and every Sat. from Christmas to the end of January I spent driving around town (so my family would think I was with friends) or in stores, wasting time till they were available and I could see them. I've bought them dinner when they were broke, and I never expected money in return - just some love and attention. But I never received any of the three. Even my BF that moved to Florida - as much as I love her - is always the first subject of our conversations. She asks how I am, of course, but not until after she's told me how she is.
Most of my social interaction nowadays comes from Facebook, and at least once a week I type in a status along the lines of "So tired of expending energy for people who never reciprocate" or "Bored, someone call me? Oh right, your gf/bf is over... I'll wait till later" and never post it. I don't want to look like I'm whining. But then I look at friends from high school's pages - who are pregnant, or druggies, or just general slackers - and they have hundreds of friends, commenting on their photos "You're beautiful", posting on their wall "You're awesome"; I see their statuses about their awesome weekends. It feels so unfair to me that those people - who are making bad choices in their life - are being praised for it. Meanwhile, I went to college, I bought a house, hell, I'm getting ENGAGED soon, and no one seems to think that any of that is important. Nobody's told me "Hey, great job NOT getting pregnant right out of high school!" or "Hey, those school projects you posted are really good!". No. I post statuses that no one notices, no one (but immediate family) cares about.
I'm sick of being friends with selfish people. But if I'm not, I have no friends. At the moment, I only count my three BFs as friends, and I feel as if I'm applying that term loosely. But even after being in this new town for over a year now, I have yet to make a real good friend. In the past, I always felt a connection with friends the moment I met them. I guess I'm just expecting that now, too. But when I meet new people here, I just feel awkward; they already have established lives and friends, and I don't want to intrude.
So I sit at home, alone, on Facebook once again. I'd like for this to change, and soon. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'm so tired of being alone.