Dilemmas And LonelinessSo here's the thing: I have always been quiet and shy girl - I'm so envious of people who can talk with anyone, with people they have just met, so naturally. I had a few close friends as a child, but when I got to high school, I was the only one there from my school. The scenery all changed, everything went down in a downward spiral. I tried hard to find a new group of people, make new friends. But I was so quiet and awkward. I felt invisible, because I would just sit there listening to them talk, but couldn't think of anything to say. Maybe because I mature slowly...and I chose the wrong group of people to hang around...they kept talking about makeup, stuff from gossip magazines, etc, and I had no idea what they were all talking about. Also, they'd say something and everyone would start laughing, but I wouldn't get what they were laughing at.
After this went on for a few months, I noticed they would start leaving class without waiting for me, walking off when I was still putting my books away, etc. At first, I pretended not to notice and followed them. But after a while, it got so embarrassing, I did not want to feel like a fifth wheeler anymore. So I stopped following them around, and instead, spent lunch time alone. I was too embarrassed to join other groups, too, being now a loner. The more time I spent alone, the less confidence I had, and the less friends I had. Looking back then, I was a very proud person, and I thought to myself, "What do I need friends for, anyway!" so I didn't try to solve this problem. On the inside, though, I was breaking to pieces. I felt like everyday, when I got up in the morning, I was already looking forward to at night, when I could go to bed and not have to think about anything. At night, I felt all the sadness that I had buried deep inside me surface and it would make it hard for me to go to sleep. As a result, I was always tired everyday. Naturally, my grades dropped, my health deteriorated, no friends, no support, nothing going for me. I lived my life in a daze.
Now, I have gotten into uni. Things have become better. By a stroke of luck, I met a group of people, though they are all boys because of the course I am doing, who were all doing the same course as me. We saw each other everyday, and after a while, it felt pretty natural to be around them. They are the kind of people who don't go clubbing or stay out late at night, which suits me, as I've never done that sort of thing either, so I can't make friends with people like that. So right now, I have a group of friends, though we hardly ever meet up outside of school. But recently, some realization has hit me. I've realized that this course I'm doing, it is very hard to find a job, it's challenging to complete, and worst of all, I am only mildly interested in it. I had always been lying to myself that I loved it - because I knew this was no ordinary job and that it was very hard. I wanted to be someone amazing. I no longer wanted to be invisible, so I wildly chose this course...
So now I think, maybe I have to change course...or maybe I should keep lying to myself, I could do it, because that's what I do best. I'm so scared that after changing course, I will be all alone again. I can't go through all that again! On top of that, all my classmates would be several years younger than me. And I don't know even one person in that year level, where would I start finding friends? I am starting to regret that I didn't try harder to fix things in high school. I look at all my other friends, and they are partying everyday, going out with their boyfriends, etc. I am always at home, bored lonely, getting yelled at by my parents, jobless, uncertain about my future. I have no dreams, no goals, I don't know what I want to do with my life later on, and quite frankly, nothing would be worth it if I had to spend the rest of my life sitting around at home, friendless and no one to talk to but myself...my family can't be with me forever... What should I do!?!