Dilemmas And Loneliness

So here's the thing: I have always been quiet and shy girl - I'm so envious of people who can talk with anyone, with people they have just met, so naturally. I had a few close friends as a child, but when I got to high school, I was the only one there from my school. The scenery all changed, everything went down in a downward spiral. I tried hard to find a new group of people, make new friends. But I was so quiet and awkward. I felt invisible, because I would just sit there listening to them talk, but couldn't think of anything to say. Maybe because I mature slowly...and I chose the wrong group of people to hang around...they kept talking about makeup, stuff from gossip magazines, etc, and I had no idea what they were all talking about. Also, they'd say something and everyone would start laughing, but I wouldn't get what they were laughing at.
After this went on for a few months, I noticed they would start leaving class without waiting for me, walking off when I was still putting my books away, etc. At first, I pretended not to notice and followed them. But after a while, it got so embarrassing, I did not want to feel like a fifth wheeler anymore. So I stopped following them around, and instead, spent lunch time alone. I was too embarrassed to join other groups, too, being now a loner. The more time I spent alone, the less confidence I had, and the less friends I had. Looking back then, I was a very proud person, and I thought to myself, "What do I need friends for, anyway!" so I didn't try to solve this problem. On the inside, though, I was breaking to pieces. I felt like everyday, when I got up in the morning, I was already looking forward to at night, when I could go to bed and not have to think about anything. At night, I felt all the sadness that I had buried deep inside me surface and it would make it hard for me to go to sleep. As a result, I was always tired everyday. Naturally, my grades dropped, my health deteriorated, no friends, no support, nothing going for me. I lived my life in a daze.
Now, I have gotten into uni. Things have become better. By a stroke of luck, I met a group of people, though they are all boys because of the course I am doing, who were all doing the same course as me. We saw each other everyday, and after a while, it felt pretty natural to be around them. They are the kind of people who don't go clubbing or stay out late at night, which suits me, as I've never done that sort of thing either, so I can't make friends with people like that. So right now, I have a group of friends, though we hardly ever meet up outside of school. But recently, some realization has hit me. I've realized that this course I'm doing, it is very hard to find a job, it's challenging to complete, and worst of all, I am only mildly interested in it. I had always been lying to myself that I loved it - because I knew this was no ordinary job and that it was very hard. I wanted to be someone amazing. I no longer wanted to be invisible, so I wildly chose this course...

So now I think, maybe I have to change course...or maybe I should keep lying to myself, I could do it, because that's what I do best. I'm so scared that after changing course, I will be all alone again. I can't go through all that again! On top of that, all my classmates would be several years younger than me. And I don't know even one person in that year level, where would I start finding friends? I am starting to regret that I didn't try harder to fix things in high school. I look at all my other friends, and they are partying everyday, going out with their boyfriends, etc. I am always at home, bored lonely, getting yelled at by my parents, jobless, uncertain about my future. I have no dreams, no goals, I don't know what I want to do with my life later on, and quite frankly, nothing would be worth it if I had to spend the rest of my life sitting around at home, friendless and no one to talk to but myself...my family can't be with me forever... What should I do!?!
monkeydreams123 monkeydreams123
1 Response May 6, 2012

I very much feel you. I've always been a shy and self conscious girl.. always.. in highschool i struggled real hard. I had the very same problem as you gurl!! :) I was the only one from my school to go to that highschool and i kinda got into a group of girls but i was always silent, never knew what to talk about NEVER!! always silent.. and if I said sth, it was sth awkward lol that I wished I never said afterwards, thus making me more reluctant to say anything... but here it comes: those girls got really tired of me and one day took me by the side and said 'we don't want you to follow us anymore like a puppy! you never say anything! It's annoying'... can imagine how sad i was and ashamed and embarrassed?? so i joined the other group of girls in my class and luckily they didnt mind me walk behind them like a dog and sit at their lunch table not saying much :) but nevertheless I never ever fit into their group, I was always a loner.. once in class, the homeroom teacher told us to draw a chart about our class dynamic (who's most popular, which classmates hang out together, what kind of groups there are in our class) and most of the time, I was drawn outside the whole class sketch.. a lonely bubble with my name in it.. surrounded by nothing, or attached to 'my group of girls' with a stroke.. well well, the happy memories :)<br />
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now in uni, I took studied but then change my subject after a year.. i wasn't really interested and i'm not a good learner.. i think i shouldn't study at all.. i fail a lot.. but i hope i can get my degree and start working somewhen.. and after i quit going to uni the 1. year i didn't know what to do, so i just randomly picked another subject which i'm gonna stick to it now. i have no other choice.. hope i will pass..<br />
as for friends.. meh not really.. there are some gurls i always talk to (well but i think the start to dislike me because i'm a bit awkward, see sometimes i just space off and don't listen to what is being said... and i'm messy and chaotic.. not good) <br />
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my advice: after highschool i jobbed at a restaurant/bar. this is really fun BUT hard work. the thing is, if you work in gastronomy you are forced to talk to strangers on a daily basis. your work ba<x>ses on communication with your colleagues and constant contact with people!! i know, i wasn't the person who would enjoy doing that kind of job, but i had no choice, this was the only job i was offered.. and i was really scared, i was really bad at it first, i made many mistakes, but initially i got used to it and i met lots of people and kinda opened up a bit!! (that's what others have told me, and one guy even was surprised to hear what i'm doing 'i would have never thought you'd do that kinda job' - working in a bar) --> so go and find a job in a bar, maybe a pub where the atmosphere is more relaxed and friendly??<br />
also try fitness clubs, or courses where you can make handy crafts or dance lessons (pole dancing for example, trust me it's sooo fun and everyone can do it, and i felt it gives you confidence!!!) just an activity where you can meet people or just do what you like!<br />
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as for me: i stopped worrying about the future. it really does you no good. i'll try to do my degree and then see what comes next. i hope i can be 'normal' with people one day, it would even be enough to find only one special person (man :) to understand me and i would be happy. but nevertheless, you live only once, you only have 80 years +- and the next millions and trillions of years you will be dead anyways.. so use the short time you've got and use it as well as you can gurl! <br />
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sorry for my uber long text.. I hope happiness finds you, I'm actually sure of it!! x

Do you really think that we shouldn't worry about the future? My parents won't let me do that though. They keep asking me what I plan on doing after I graduate if I can't find a job. I say to them, 'It will all work out somehow', and they say 'Stop dreaming and realise the reality. You're wasting your time studying if you can't find a job in this field.' Then, they'd go on and on about how I'm a dead weight, and how I'm going to be eating their food and then I'll have no income when they're gone, etc.... And in some other forums, people who have graduated from this course in the past, they're saying they wish they hadn't been so naive in the past. That as a teenager, they'd follow their dreams any day, but as a mature adult, they have to be responsible and know that survival comes before dreams.

Thanks for telling me your story, I really enjoyed reading it.

I'm really sorry to hear that your parents are pressuring you... but i guess they only mean well and want you to be able to support yourself... luckily my parents aren't pressuring me that much, but if i had to support myself fully, i could always work at a bar or mcdonald's :D
i'm very stressed right now, becaused i'm not a good student and i failed many courses this semester.. i feel like i will never be able to support myself in the field i'm studying now.. i can't give you a solution, i wish there was one... i might ignore my future just a teensy bit but the future is always uncertain and as long as you only have to support yourself, you can take risks and do what makes you happy!! that's what i believe!
what about taking a part time job? to get into the 'money world' and some self esteem and to show your parents you can gain money if needed!
i really hope everything turns out good for you.. life is tough and sometimes i think i'm not like normal people... but we won't give up, ok?! we can still manage to live as good as we can, you alone decide what your'e gonna do with your life!
and i also wanna thank you for sharing your story!! it really helps realizing i'm not the only one... x