Invisible And Lonely

Coming from a household of 10 and being the eldest of 8 children you would think I ooze confidence and have a friends list one mile long. But that couldn't be further from the truth. When i was younger I had all the friends in the world... even a few best friends. Just as everyone is as a youngster... carefree, spirited ad lively. I thought I would have these friends for the rest of my life. All through my younger days I would talk for hours on the home phone to my friends, we would talk about school, boys we had crushes on, going to the movies (with our parents of course!) and just things that 12 yr old girls talk about. Life was brilliant. Then came high school.

This is the point in my life when everything just seemed to turn upside down.

So in high school I turned into one of the outsiders... someone that everybody knows but doesn't really know. Someone who people might say hello to (if they have to). Someone who people would shudder at when paired with in Maths class. Someone who would sometimes have to sit alone at lunch time if all 3 of her friends were away or on an excursion together. I cherished my friends... the three that i had... a lot more than i think they needed me. Once they moved into a bigger circle of friends to which i wasn't accepted I had no one. I had no one to share my fears, dreams and hopes. No one to call for help with my homework. No one to tell who i had a crush on. No one to hang out with. No one to share lunch times with. And no one to share my achievements with. So I started thinking that maybe it was the school. At the end of year 9 I moved schools thinking that I had better things to come. This wasn't meant to be. It was the same old... same old... The person everybody knew but didn't really know.

All throughout my high school years I was never able to click with anyone... and this wasn't for lack of trying. People just weren't and still aren't interested in me. I don't know what happened to me from being 12 to being 13. It just seems as though I've lost everything. Lost all my confidence, lost my friends, lost someone to connect with. Events in my life have shaped the person I am today.

A few years ago I thought I'd fallen in love. I thought he was my world and so I did just about anything for him. He knew all my family, knew the few friends I had. For reasons unknown to me he never once introduced me to any one on his side. Not his mum, not his dad and none of his friends. So I started thinking. Why? Whats wrong with me? Am I that embarrassing? He never told me why and so after a year and a half... we went our separate ways. To this day I still don't know why.

That event just instilled in me that maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Being alone is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I'm doing it... I'm living it. But the thing is... I don't want to be. I try so hard to make new friends... like the friends I had back in primary school... nothing ever seems to work.

Some people wish for money, others wish for food, I wish for friends. It hasn't helped so far. It hurts so much to be surrounded by my brothers and sisters and all their friends and all their fun adventures and stories when I have not even one.

I will leave you with a quote... "the loneliness is palpable".
cravinglove cravinglove
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

Hi ive no friends 2 I know how u feel if u need to talk im here