Friendlessness: Revisited, Critiqued, & Philosophied

After reading through several dozen of the Friendless experiences and the corresponding comments that followed, I have come to the conclusion that there is a commonality among those who are friendless: insecurity.

I, too, can testify of being an individual with no human friends. I do have my wife, son, and two cats that love me, so I can't judge what it must be like for those of you who don't even have these relationships in your life. I can however empathize with friendlessness. I can not remember a time when I had a friend (human). I like many of you have searched, initiated, fought, and dreamed of connecting with someone, and to this day my efforts have been to no avail. I have felt the cold fog of loneliness and have agonized with depression and suicidal thoughts. I have asked myself one of a loner's great inquiries about being alone, "What is the source of my friendlessness?" This brings me to the issue of insecurity.

I am a man of reason, so naturally I took the time to pick apart the individual fibers of this "source" of friendlessness. Question #1: Am I pursuing friendship? My answer: Yes. Question #2: How do I know? Answer:I contact people at every opportunity. Question #3: Does this lead/has this lead to friendships? Answer: No. Let's pause for a second. If I have made up in my mind that being pro-active absolutely won't lead to friendships, then why do it? Because there are more people to pursue than one can pursue in a lifetime. This proves that the answer to Question #3 can NOT be "no": it must be "not yet". Question #4: Why do I need friends? Answer--there are many reasons: I need to know someone cares about me. I need to know that I am worth something to someone and not just a commodity. There is an overwhelming desire to be loved and appreciated. It hurts to be alone (in more ways than one). I may appear to be a loser to others...... All of these answers to Question #4--to some extent--are rooted in an insecurity(ies). They are intangible wants, needs, and desires. They are inherent in every human being, yet there is no law or rule that makes friends an entitlement. Ah, there's a word you don't see in this context everyday. Now let's put things into perspective.

*There are various personal needs for friendship

*I am actively pursuing friendship because of insecurities I have about not having any friends

*I feel I am entitled to have friends.

Now, are friendships really an entitlement? If they are, then one could equate entitlement to an inherent right, but consider the following. Are you entitled to live the American Dream? Answer: if you earn it. The fact is that like everything else, friendship is earned. First you must earn respect. Once you have attained respect, it would seem logical that the next step is to earn their trust. Once you earn their trust, you can invite them into your life to gain their friendship. "But wait! But wait!", you protest. "Why aren't they inviting ME into THEIR lives? Don't I deserve a shot?" Answer: that is your assumption. You very well may in fact be deserving, but that does not entitle you to set up the expectation that he/she will invite you into their life. When you do, you only hurt yourself--emotionally. Be the bigger person: accept that there are those who won't have time for you on a personal level, and realize that it isn't necessarily meant to hurt you. There has to be intent, and thus probable cause to argue "hurt". So where does all this leave us? Right here......

*There are various personal needs for friendship, and they can be met by others when attained as friends.

*I am actively pursuing friendship because of insecurities I have about not having any friends, but I wont let those insecurities dictate my efforts to pursue, nor allow them to cast a negative image on myself. Friendlessness is a common occurrence.

*I feel I am entitled to have friends, but understand that friendship is earned through gaining respect and trust.

By applying this sort of reason to my life, I have learned to cope better with friendlessness than if I had let friendlessness dictate how I live my life. Sure, the pain is there--but it doesn't have to be permanent. One last thought: every major achievement--however relative in size to another--was only manifested through relentless persistence and perseverance. Mountains aren't conquered in one step, they are conquered with many. Every friend you want (in number) is an individual mountain. This means that he/she is a challenge. Take on the challenge in front of you, and when you beat it, go find another. Don't loose heart--I am still climbing my first mountain, and it's been several decades. When I reach the top, what an accolade that will be! I will be looking down on many shorter climbs!


integrity4life integrity4life
36-40, M
2 Responses Nov 23, 2009

@marriedbutalone<br />

Glad to see you have it all figured out! I have tried to make friends, only to be shot down time and time again. There is only so much rejection one person can take before they realize that they are not normal. You be happy with your wife and kids and your friends, but damn you for saying that we (the friendless) do not try to make friends. I can not speak for everyone, only myself, but some of us don't fit into your perfect compartimentalized society.