I Don't Vene Have A Titel

it'll never change. i'll never stop torturing myself. :( i hate it. i hate everything. i hate how things turned out. but i don't hate her. i hate me.

 

but she lied. why did she lie. why did i believe her. why did i believe. why do i have to believe in love. why couldn't i be like her.

 

why can't i just forget. why is it so easy for her. why am i so sad???????? :(

 when will i stop

when will i stop crying at night. when will the pain stop :(  i wrote something well i've been writing it right along, before she broke me and after she broke me. the first part it before................it starts when i'm happy

Carry the burden

Wear the scar

Remember with clarity

The ghosts of the past

The dreams once had

The hopes long crushed

 

The innocence in her face

The beauty in her eyes

All since disappeared

 

Innocence turns to guilt

Eyes become stone

Emptied, hollowed

Drained of meaning

 

Can never have them back

The tears I lost

The moments wasted

The feelings spoiled

 

The simple conclusion

Dead man no more

Resurrected, Reborn

New life, a second chance

At love

 

--------------------------------------------------------------tht was me getting over my previous love to fall for her.......then i fell for her and she broke me two, how will i ever be able to find the pieces of my heart again, now that they've been broken twice, scattered, burned, ash, i'm dead...anwya here it is------------------------------------------------------------

As I wait for

just one tone

I’m reminded

that I’m alone

 

I’m waiting for a text to come

that never will

I’m waiting for another chance t

That won’t happen

I’m wishing for love

That never will come

 

I’ll hope forever

I’ll die alone

I’m not sure how much more

I can take

Without bursting

Without breaking down

This pain I carry

Is everlasting

I capture happiness for only a moment

And then it flies away

I deserve it

I think

I deserve to be happy

What did I do to deserve this?

I have nothing

Nothing to live for

My reason is gone

I’m left with nothing

Empty

Alone

 

This is my destiny:

To be

alone

 

How will I ever be whole

When I myself am in pieces

I cannot fix myself

I need someone

I can’t handle this

 

I don’t need “people”

I just need one

One person to love

I’m worthless without a person

“My” person.

I’m alone

My life is meaningless

Pointless

“It is pointless”

I’m pointless

I’ve lost my direction

Lost my will

What is my purpose?

I have none.

I’m done

I’m spent

Worn out

Washed up

Drained

What’s left

To live for?

Where do I go when

I have no one to turn to

No one I want to turn to

No one that’s You

I only want You

This is pathetic

 

I can’t have you anymore

I want to but I can’t

Even if you wanted me

And even tho I want you

I always have

I could not

I’d be trapped

Walled by myself

For myself

For my own good

I can’t handle being hurt

I can never trust you again

Not with my heart

Not as a friend

We will never be friends

Im so angry

So angry at everything

Everybody

I have no choice

No choice but to be angry

I can’t help it

I can’t help being pissed at everyone

Who make me miserable

Who watched me suffer and still go go on

With there lives

I just want it all to end

All to stop

I just want to be alone

I want time to stop

And to let me cry

Time won’t allow me to cry

It won’t let me be in peace

It’s trying to kill me

And it’s succeeding

I just

Need

To

Be

Alone

for now

If I cannot be with one I want none

Its all gonna be over soon

Im not gonna “lose” anyone else

I don’t “want” them

I don’t “need” them

I never did

I never needed anyone

Not like I do now

I changed

I became

Codependent

I switched from one

To Another

Just like that

But I won’t let it happen again

No I won’t

I’ll keep my outside guard up

As I’m crumbling on the inside

No defenses can protect me from the damage that’s

Already been done

The wound that

‘s already been inflicted

Deep pain

Deep down

Lost

Darkness

Total

Darkness

 


‎Saturday, ‎January ‎23, ‎2010, ‏‎7:16:55 PM


 

The past can’t be undone

It stays that way

It stay the same

I’m still alone

Still sad. I still

Want someone

To hold

To love

I’m hurting

I hurt so much

I need YOU

I miss YOU

I lost someone yesterday

But it makes no difference

But it still hurt

It reminded me of when I lost You

I still remember the day

Then again I’m not sure which day I lost you

There was the day we broke up

But maybe I had already lost you then

Or maybe it wasn’t until the week after

You said it was the best kiss you ever had

Then you vanished

You went away and

Left me

Left me

Alone

I thought you were going to come back

But you didn’t

You left for vacation and didn’t miss me

You came back and didn’t miss me

You wouldn’t hug me

You wouldn’t love me

You didn’t

Anymore

I tried

I tried over and over

But you didn’t want me

Still

You didn’t want me

I love you now

But hate you

I despise the sight of you

Yet I try to catch a glimpse of you

:’(     I love you

I remember you told me to hold you and

So I did

And I cried

I cried and

I cried and

I cried.

I told you I was wrong

I told you it wasn’t right

It didn’t feel right cause

I knew I had

Lost 

You

I wanted you back, it had only been a day, only been an hour before I told you it wasn’t right

I need you and I misss you so much. I can’t belive you did this to me. I think of how happy you made me.

You said you would never leave. That you’d stay, that we’d be together for the whole year/that I didn’t have to worry/ you asked me to ball :’( I want to go to ball with you :’(  L I want to go to ball

I wanted to go. It would only be special if it was with you.

Without you I’m so lost, I’m so weak

You said you were happier now

You said you felt better about yourself

Were you only with me to boost your self esteem

Did you use me

Why did you abandon me

What did I do

What did I do

I wanted to love you

You said it was a break

Only a break

Not

Break-up

But that’s what you meant……..

That’s what you meant all along.

Come what may

I thought you felt the same way

Come what may

Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide

But I love you

Till the end of time

I I I’m so sad

Is there ever an end to the tears I shed for you

The hours I spend crying

Waiting for that same text that I wanted you to send

So many days agao

So many weeks ago

More than a month a go

L

 

I’m saving a monster and heath bar for valentines day

I’m gonna enjoy them while I cry my eyes out

Last year taylor said it was single’s awareness day.

It wasn’t funny then and it won’t be funny this yr either.

L

I I really don’t want to live anymore, I don’t remember the last time I went to bed not just wearing my school clothes. I just pass out in them. And I feel disgusting

I want to help myself

To make myself better

But I can’t do that when I feel this way

No not when I feel like this

The tears are dry now, and sticky

I try not to wipe my eyes

“Don’t wipe away the tears”…

My jeans are too tight

I’m fat

I can’t help gaining weight cause I don’t wanna do anything

I don’t wanna move

I’m gonna exercise tonight tho

I promise

I promise mom

I don’t know why I said mom

I guess it’s weird to say, like I don’t even know the meaning to it. I haven’t used it in so long. In psych the Freudian theory is that men seek out women like their mothers, I can’t help but wonder if that’s what I’ve been doing, finding girls that will leave me. Finding ones that will just up and leave, just totally abandon, like barnello said today, “like a bolt of lightning”, I teared up when he said that, how a woman could just up and divorce a guy, just wait till it all builds to the max and not tell him, break up with him and lose interest in him but keep it all to themselves so that when they finally do they have no feelings, they can’t even cry, she didn’t cry at all. I was the one doing the breaking but she wasn’t affected at all while I just fell apart, I broke, I broke my own heart essentially, Courtney Stafford is such a *****, I mean, I think, jeeze why can’t I just call someone a ***** and mean it L why do I have to be so strange, why do I have to love only certain ppl but not my friends, y do I find it so hard to talk behind ppls backs, but can lie right to their face, I lied to mrs. Wilson, she asked me y and asked if it had to do with a girl, I told her it didn’t. I lied. It had everything to do with a girl. It always has, I’m always upset, bout some girl, one girl or another, al biet theres only been two, why does it take me months to get over a one month fling, how long will it take me to get over Courtney, it hasn’t even been a month yet…….i I don’t wanna be like this. Not again. I don’t want to feel like this again. I thought taylor was gonna be the last time. I l thought with Courtney it was gonna be different. I thought we would stay. Nothing gold can stay. We were never gold tho, well I wasn’t gold to her, she was always gold to me, she still is. Like she’s gold and coal at the same time. I guess most accurately it would be pyrite, I fell for two pyrite girls. I guess I did make my own bed, but I don’t deserve this…….screw Courtney Stafford. She doesn’t get me. She has no right. No right to say any such thing. Well she has a right I suppose but it still makes her a bad person. She would get so upset bout how I would act superior, but ya know what I feel superior and should feel proud when I’m not doing things that compromise who I am(cept well falling in love, guess that’s exactly what it does to me) but I’m not drinking or smoking or having sex, I don’t deserve this . I don’t deserve any of this.  I don’t need this stupid bracelet. Lying to my sister. 

‎Tuesday, ‎February ‎09, ‎2010, ‏‎6:11:43 PM

 

k guess my poetry doesn't have rhyme structure or anythin.....i jsut dont care........

deadlove deadlove
18-21, M
Feb 16, 2010