This Was A Personal Message With Bobcat, But I Jsut Posted It As A Sotry

This is so eerie!!!!!!!! How can you understand me perfectly??!?!?!?!?!!!! WOW!!! just WOW!!!!

Like i couldn't have said it better or more true if i had written it myself!!

i feel as tho i have that empty hole. Like i got that from my first love when i created my username "hollow" "void", and i needed someone to feel whole again.  And then my second love did it. she was perfect, we were friends and we just really hit it off and had so much in common. we became best friends. "tbfs" we called it. "texting-buddy friends", and we texted all the time. about everything. we "vented" to eachother as she called it and played the question game(just asked eachother questions, pretty self-explanatory), and then one day i "unclammed" i told her that i liked her. She had a boyfriend at the time tho, but she admitted that she liked me too. . . and then she broke up with him, and i wanted to be with her in a relationship but she was resilent. but she wanted to be friends-with-benefits, which i didn't want, but i wanted to feel closer to her and i was hoping it would lead to her eventually wanting me. wanting "apples" with me. (we had nicknames for everything), apples meant a relationship and we nicknamed the friends-with-benefits oranges.....she said apples could go rotten like her last relationship and that oranges were better she said we didn't need apples because we had "peaches with cream"(we were best friends)...........i'm ranting i could go on and on....our relationship developed in stages....our oranges grew into aranges as i liked to call it (a combination of apples and oranges), but i only cared about the apples and she knew that.....finally she said she was ready..... it was september 9th...09/09/09.....she said the day should be special and she made it a very special day for me. but we didn't become official til the month after. i was so happy, i asked her when we were at the movies. (it was out first official date and so many things went wrong but it was still magical....for me at least).....i was so happy and so nervous---cause it was the first "date" i had ever been on.....i never went on an offical date with my last girlfriend-person-thingy, it was one of those romances that wasn't quite defined as anything) anyway we progressed for about two maybe three months, well i guess it wasn't even that...so i was getting ready to apply to colleges and i joked that i should apply to the colleges she was going to....(but i wasn't really joking) anywho.......she had said "be reasonable"....and i couldn't forget those words.....it bothered me so much that us being together in college was so unreasonable to her......so it turned out that she wanted to break up at the end of the year, she didn't want me, she said she didn't want to be tied down in college but just wanted to enjoy the present, she said she cared about me and wanted us to enjoy what we had, i told her that i couldn't do that, that if she was just gonna end it that there was no point, she hugged me and i broke down, i cried and i broke up with her. That was friday december 11. a few hours later i told her i was sorry and that i wanted to be with anyway, then we hung out the next day at the mall and we kissed before I left…but she said it would be hard for her to trust me again cause of how I left her, but as I saw it she left me and I was still very very hurt  by the whole thing. The following monday my grandpa died. And I came into school and she hugged me and we kissed again, and the same for the following day and the day after. The day before my grandpa’s funeral we kissed and she said it might have been the best kiss in her entire life. Then the day of the funeral we texted a bit but then she stopped, she just stopped texting and then later that night she texted me saying that she had just finished applying to 3 schools….i suppose that’s what she musta been doing but she didn’t tell me. She didn’t say “okay I have to go now and work on my college applications”……..she didn’t say anything.she just stopped and it hurt me so much that she would just abandon me….. I was angry so I didn’t talk to her, and she didn’t talk to me either, I didn’t know why….i stopped seeing her as often too…..then one day I finally went up to her and asked her for a hug and if we could talk, she didn’t hug me, she said she “didn’t want to give me the wrong idea” and that hurt me…it hurt so much. I needed her, I needed someone, I had just lost my grandpa……..then she went on vacation with her family over Christmas break. I thought bout her the whole time. Bought her gifts. I bought her a can of the kind of monster she would always drink whenever we went to the movies and a dry erase board cause she said once that she would want one in college to write her assignments down and a dvd of Moulin Rouge….It was our movie…..anyway…….she came back and I gave it to her, but it didn’t phase her at all, I wanted her to text me and for us to start talking again. Then 2 weeks later I put a rose made out of pipe-cleaners in her locker with my ep information(I introduced her to the site when we we friends and she really liked it) on it. I wanted her to look at my stories that I wrote bout her so she knew how much I missed her. I told her to text me afterwards and she did. And she said she was more secure now, and that she’d been happy. That was it for me, she really just stopped caring, i I just can’t talk bout this anymore------------------that was the last thing I’d do……..i don’t eant to seme desperate. I can’t help that I am, but I don’t want to be so pathetic, the loser in the relationship. But I am. I can’t move on. I still have hope and I still wait, but for what?

Nothing

She’ll never come back, she she’s just like the last girl, who dropped me just as hard. But She had told me that she wanted to show me wahat a reall relationship was like but ……then………..she left…. She abandoned me. L she told me she cared…she said she loved me. She said it had slipped out but I thought that meant it was real……..she said it even before I did, I had been afraid to say it, but I felt it, I felt it for so long………..

 

i'm gonna post this message as a story, it feels like a story

deadlove deadlove
18-21, M
Feb 17, 2010