I Just Want To Do What Every Human "should" Be Doing To Live...Both of you tell me to get a job.
I did. Hesitant? Of course! Who wouldn't be for their first official job? But that does not mean I didn't act out in courage. I understood the importance of work and knew I needed it greatly right now. I don't expect those college fees to pay themselves. I am a young adult; I WILL get a job even if I am afraid.
I am hired. Scared but proud. So are you guys. I learn and do well. It's almost been 2 months and I've had a complete 180. I LOVE my job. I love ever person I work with. I love the fact I am working for my own money and learning so many good skills. I am glad I endured and got a job. I don't want to leave this good fortune.
You both start getting upset. You dislike my absence. You want me home every dinner and never work the weekends.
I am confused. My job is retail not an office job... Of course my hours would be different... But weren't you guys the ones that told me to work this availability... Much less get this "particular" job? Why do I have to feel like trash everytime I go to and from work because you mutter "we miss you"? Why can't you say, "Have a good day at work dear! We love and are so proud of you"? I'd give anything to hear you both be proud. I feel like a fool to have any self praise for my job... But it's all I got left. Why do I have to face your anger when its you who wanted me to do this?!
They threaten if things don't change I must quite. But things HAVE changed; don't you see! I done so much but you're still unhappy. I've talked to handfuls of my bosses all the time. They've changed my schedule. Things SHOULD be better... But they're not. I don't want to lose my job... I just started. I haven't even been their a half a year yet... I need the money to go to college.
Coming home from work one day you told me "You really don't need a job nor go to college." My heart ripped apart. What about my future? What about my past...? Was that all nothing? Am I just to sit around and just be a burden? I want to learn! I want to achieve! I want to be successful! I want... to fall in love. I want so much. I know it sounds selfish but is it so wrong to want to live and fulfill your purpose... Your dreams.
I live in fear. It amazes me I still have this job... But its not without a price of fear and hurt. Wondering if I will have to be forced to quit the next day. You think I am replacing you... How can you think that? I would never do anything so low... But... odd as it may seem, being at work is the only time I have peace. That I can smile and mean it. Sometimes I look forward to leaving so I can feel some sort of positive feeling. But no.. no I AM NOT REPLACING BOTH OF YOU. I can't believe you judge a relationship like that. It should not be about the quantity of time together but quality! It pains me that I'll be home a whole week and not once do we do anything special together. But as soon as I have "one" evening shift you give me trash. This is so hypocritical! So... unfair.
I want to respect you two yet anything I do does not make you happy. And because you chained me down with certain circumstance, I can't break away and live. I am stuck in this endless cycle of disappointment. I am so so so frustrated! I just want to go to college, to have a job! Isn't that reasonable! I am paying for it too! Why can't I be a normal person doing normal things. It's not like I am asking for outrageous things. Just to work so I can survive.
Why is it so hard to be happy? Just to have those simple things.... They take them away. I just want to give up! But if I did, then their is never a chance for things to get better