I've been really frustrated with my girl lately.  It's a lot of things really, some little, some big, but they all add up to one overwhelming bucket of *argh*...

Here's a list, starting with the small stuff.  I'm not saying that all of this is her fault, but for better or worse these items bother me.  She

  • talks too loudly and repetitively on the phone
  • makes little "smacking" noises when she eats sometimes
  • doesn't seem to care if we spend too much money
  • is often apathetic and dejected
  • sleeps really late
  • has a hard time finding a job
  • isn't usually interested in having a "deep" conversation

At this point in my life, I've made a huge commitment to her.  We've been together for a very long time - it's not easy to walk away from that kind of history.  Do I love her?  Yes, I do.  Sometimes we manage to find these moments in between the insanity and hustle of life where we connect quite beautifully - I love those moments, and I love what we can be in those moments.  Such love seems really hard to find, so I'm quite hesitant to walk away despite all my frustrations....

I know that life would be much simpler on my own, and I can't deny the appeal of that.  However, if I left her I'd be throwing away something quite precious and rare.  I'm the only one who can decide if it's worth it for me to stay....

The constant effort I put into deciding if I should stay or not is really taxing...I think about it every day.  Some of the questions which swim around in my head are "Am I just staying because I'm scared?  Are these frustrations just par for the course with any meaningful relationship?  What does it really mean to 'love' someone, anyway?  If I did leave, couldn't she just hurt me and leave me broken?  Will I really be able to support both of us if she can't get her career off the ground?  Are we going to be in debt forever?  Will we be able to afford the house we want?  What about kids?  Am I just whining?  Would it be worth it to destroy who we are as a couple?  What effect would this have on all of our friends who look up to us?  What about all of our 'couple friends'?"

Honestly, I think part of this whole mess is my OCD.  I have a very hard time trusting my emotions and perception.  It's part of a deeper problem - MY deeper problem, not hers.  So if my uncertainty and fear is just a product of my own condition, is it fair to make her suffer because of my faults?  

A lot of thoughts, a lot of frustration....thx for listening.

shattergirl shattergirl
22-25, F
4 Responses Jun 29, 2009

You are welcome...:) <br />
<br />
I also found that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the street when married life becomes boring, mundane, and heavy with the same, same of responsibilities which get heavy with pressures like not enough money to pay bills, not enough sex, disagreements, arguing over little things, sickness, commitments, and seemingly no excitement or newness...feelings of being unloved, unappreciated, uncared for, unrecognised etc.... which all lead to one finding faults with the partner and vice versa and feeling distant and craving for escape but not knowing quite what to do about it.......<br />
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Yep ...I know it rather well...and what I did was to have one affair after another...while it was sexually fantastic and absolutely mind boggling was the intellectual and mentally stimulating conversations and clandestine furtive exciting meetings....the aftermath price was ohh soo high...emotionally, financially, physically and see others you love (wife, kids, family and friends) suffering with pain so intense to drive some to want to kill themselves....brings a shudder of dread to me even now years after...<br />
<br />
By the grace of God...we all survived...<br />
<br />
I sincerely wish for that pain and devastation not to happen for you....:)<br />
<br />

Thanks for the lovely comments, darlow. Very nice analogy. : )

:) *sigh* I know what you mean too...been there ...<br />
<br />
Life does get boring and frustrating from time to time.....a bit like the weather...its cloudy one day...fine the next...then raining and stormy ...then beautiful warm and getting hot....and if you blame the weather for how you feel and go looking for better weather elsewhere because of it...yep! you find its very much the same there too...<br />
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So for me...when its raining I put up an umbrella....when its hot I take my clothes off... when its cold I snuggle...(with myself at times too) :)

Thanks for your thoughtful comments...I do agree with you. <br />
<br />
I'm sure I could fall in love again if I left my current relationship (in fact I am in love with a completely unavailable woman right now....oops...that was my fault for letting her in too close,) but what guarantee do I have that it would be any better than what I have now? <br />
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What my girl and I have is very rare and very special. I think I'd be unwise to throw that away for the faint hope of a better life, which I cannot see clearly. <br />
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Good luck to you, too. : )