I've been really frustrated with my girl lately. It's a lot of things really, some little, some big, but they all add up to one overwhelming bucket of *argh*...
Here's a list, starting with the small stuff. I'm not saying that all of this is her fault, but for better or worse these items bother me. She
- talks too loudly and repetitively on the phone
- makes little "smacking" noises when she eats sometimes
- doesn't seem to care if we spend too much money
- is often apathetic and dejected
- sleeps really late
- has a hard time finding a job
- isn't usually interested in having a "deep" conversation
At this point in my life, I've made a huge commitment to her. We've been together for a very long time - it's not easy to walk away from that kind of history. Do I love her? Yes, I do. Sometimes we manage to find these moments in between the insanity and hustle of life where we connect quite beautifully - I love those moments, and I love what we can be in those moments. Such love seems really hard to find, so I'm quite hesitant to walk away despite all my frustrations....
I know that life would be much simpler on my own, and I can't deny the appeal of that. However, if I left her I'd be throwing away something quite precious and rare. I'm the only one who can decide if it's worth it for me to stay....
The constant effort I put into deciding if I should stay or not is really taxing...I think about it every day. Some of the questions which swim around in my head are "Am I just staying because I'm scared? Are these frustrations just par for the course with any meaningful relationship? What does it really mean to 'love' someone, anyway? If I did leave, couldn't she just hurt me and leave me broken? Will I really be able to support both of us if she can't get her career off the ground? Are we going to be in debt forever? Will we be able to afford the house we want? What about kids? Am I just whining? Would it be worth it to destroy who we are as a couple? What effect would this have on all of our friends who look up to us? What about all of our 'couple friends'?"
Honestly, I think part of this whole mess is my OCD. I have a very hard time trusting my emotions and perception. It's part of a deeper problem - MY deeper problem, not hers. So if my uncertainty and fear is just a product of my own condition, is it fair to make her suffer because of my faults?
A lot of thoughts, a lot of frustration....thx for listening.