I Know I Want This. But I'm Afraid To Take The First Step.

For as long as I can remember I have liked girls. I was always a tomboy when I was little. When I was 14 I came out as a lesbian.
I am now twenty. I still identify as female though, that is not how I feel. I have the most beautiful girlfriend and we have been together for two years. I have talked with her about this twice she goes back and forth on the issue. One moment she's like "yeah, you would be a sexy guy, I support you." and the next moment she's like "I don't want to be with a guy, I don't want to see you go through this."
She's bisexual so......??? I don't know my major issue is wanting to do this but being afraid of losing Amy (my girlfriend)
I want to marry that girl some day. I've already told my mom and she says she supports me and will always love me.
I hate having boobs lol I want top surgery so bad. I even want it more than starting T.
I hate when I'm having sex with my girlfriend and facing the fact that I can't go "inside" her.
I still have long hair and everything. I want to cut it. I'm just afraid... despite how much I want this.
I've always been jelous of my little brother because he was born a boy. I knew I should have been a boy too.
lol I don't know what went wrong. I hate all of the gender rolse society places on people.
VonMoose VonMoose
18-21, M
5 Responses Sep 3, 2010

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i agree with originofthesorceress as i am exactly in the same boat. you can't ignore this and your gf may end up supporting you just yet. don't freak yourself out unnecessarily about medical transition if you're not ready for that yet... i know exactly how you feel about the sex thing too, i have the same frustration and yearnings so i feel you there. sorry man.<br />
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definitely start getting into gender therapy if you can and if it helps, perhaps cross-dressing may give you some relief? i dunno, this may not work, it's just a suggestion... my bad if you're already doing this/have tried it... it's my next step in trying to deal with my dysphoria feelings. i will have to travel for my own therapy eventually when i'm ready for that.

When I was your age I was going through the exact same thing! Reading your story was like reading the words right out of my head at your age. So I opted to wait and not think about it. Now I'm about to be 33 and going to the therapist for the first time. I wish I would have done it sooner because what ended up happening is that my girlfriend and I ended up breaking up and I went through a number of girlfriends who didn't want to "see me go through that" or actually they didn't want to deal with it. Now I'm married to the woman that I was always looking for and needed in my life. Your lady might actually be able to deal with this she just doesn't realize it yet. My advice to you is NOT TO PUT YOURSELF OFF You need to realize the seriousness and the reality of these feelings your having. Just from me, I regret not doing this earleir. Don't rush yourself, but don't ignore it or pretend it's not there man.

I know it's scary, but you have to be true to yourself. I didn't want to be a boy, either. I would have like to have been able to stay a girl, but once I knew I was a boy, I couldn't unknow it. I've since moved forward. Even though it was the scariest thing I've ever done, it's the best thing I've ever done because now I'm finally ME. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. Life is so much better since I went on Testosterone. Now I don't know how I lived that way for so long. Let me say that I'm here if you need me. I'll answer whatever questions you have. I hope you find your peace.

You are going through what most of us guys go through, the back and forth thing with her, except I always wanted boobs, mine are 48AA cups, and I always wanted a vulva, I have an elephant in stead. I'll take both thank you very much, the only one place left to put such a thing, is the only hole I own. So as long as it works, the same I'll have the best of both worlds.