I Don't Know What I Am.

This is my first time telling anybody this and I really don't know where to begin. i suppose it's best to just start from the beginning.

My sophomore year in High School I met this girl online and we began talking on a day by day basis. Our conversations were amazing. We could talk for hours at a time and it would never get dull. There was just one problem. While talking to this girl I pretended I was a man. All my life I've had male like qualities. I have a deep voice for a female and have broad man like shoulders and on top of that i'm 6'1.

This pretending went on all through out high school. We were in love. She loved me and I loved her. We talked on the phone everyday and every night and every night I would promise that I would come visit her soon. She lived in the state right next to mine.

Time past and we continued to talk however i kept making up lies of why I wouldn't come and visit her. I was scared. I thought if she knew the truth she would no longer love me. No longer want me. she would just delete me out of her life.

Time pressed on and I graduated High School and made my way into where I am now. I am now a freshman in college and she finally knows the truth. I came out and told her I was a female. She was shocked, but said she still loved me. I love her so much, but I know she is a bit uncomfortable with the fact that I am a female. However i am also uncomfortable with that fact. I truly do wish I was a man and I honestly have thought about the transitioning. The only thing stopping me is the fact that I have a basketball scholarship at my school and my family and friends that I would disappoint. I honestly wish I could just run away from my life and transition and be with this girl until the end of time.

At the end of this year I am finally going to visit her. I am staying with her for a week and a half and am beyond excited. I just fear what happens next. I feel stuck in two separate worlds. In one I am the daughter that my parents love and women's basketball player. In the other Im a comfortable relaxed male who is madly in love. What should I do? I am lost and also confused.
Warren51 Warren51
3 Responses Mar 17, 2012

I'm so excited for ya mate, that's awesome

soli~ was right slow down is the better way me too i have basket ball scholarship and my plan is to finish my studies first before doing the transition..

I think this took a lot of courage to post...thank you for sharing your story!<br />
<br />
You are still very young...my suggestion would be to slow down and stop pressuring yourself to be anybody or anything concrete YET...try not to fall whim to societal pressures to fit nice and neatly into some little box...self discovery is a lifelong journey that takes TIME...and gender can be very fluid for some people. You've heard the ex<x>pression "take time to stop and smell the roses"...well, do just that with who you are TODAY and try to learn to accept yourself and love yourself AS YOU ARE NOW...tomorrow will come and present a new opportunity for you to accept and love yourself for who you are THEN. One day at a time, my friend...one day at a time.<br />
<br />
Nobody can tell you what to do...YOU are the only person that truly understands your feelings and inner issues entirely...although they may seem confusing to you right now, allow yourself the time necessary to closely examine them and get to know your true self...if you do, your answers will come more readily...with clarity, you will know what to do because you will know who you are. All answers really do lie within us.<br />
<br />
Hang in there and be patient with yourself. The answers will come eventually, this I know. Be yourself...who ever or what ever that is. Try to remain true to yourself in the face of adversity...trust me, life is filled with adversity...it won't get easier. Look for a support system of like-minded and/or open-minded friends...if your old friends/family fit that bill, I suggest including them in your support system...if they don't, it will hinder the self-discovery process tremendously. Remember, YOU are responsible for your future, not anybody else. <br />
<br />
In re to your girl...all you can really do now is try to go into the visit/meet with an open-mind, not expecting anything more than platonic friendship...low expectations make the possibility of rejection easier to handle. Try to remember some key things about your situation...ill-gotten gains are not gains AT ALL in the long run...nobody truly wants someone in their life that they had to deceive into being there in the first place...the goal should be for others to accept us as we are AND decide for themselves, knowing who we truly are, whether they want to be in our lives or not and if so, in what capacity. Deceiving somebody from the get-go is NOT the basis for a solid foundation in any kind of relationship...the trust wasn't broken, it was never given the opportunity to grow to begin with. We can't make others want us or love us...they must be given the freedom to choose that option...and it is only then that we learn what real love is. <br />
<br />
I wish you all the best! And thanks again for sharing your story! Keep in touch!<br />
<br />