A Long Journy Comin A Reality.

I knew I was different since I was in pre-k. I knew i wasnt a lez and always caught myself looking and attactive to females. I went through many years with depression, attempts of sudicide but not crazy enough that would kill me. Maybe to feel pain then the life I was givin. When I came to the word "transgender" and read up on it, everything was fallin into place that I knew I was crazy, or blind, or whatever the case was. I felt like I was the only one makin this journey even though I knew I wasnt alone. Alone to talk to others bout what im goin through worried bout the disrespect or disown that would bring. Worried if this secret gets out that I will end like teena (boys dont cry) FTM and never live out my life.....happy.
I yet am still afraid of that possibity of someone that is closed mind and murders me, but yet I still truck on.....All I want is to finally be happy. Be complete on the ouside as the great, amazin guy I am on the inside.

I have been on T for bout 9yrs now and yet im still short on reachin that second goal....Top surgery. I have the doc already out, love his work, everythin, but the only thing that is holdin me back on makin it a reality is....money. Why do sugeries have to be so much just to make me closer to who I suppose to be. Why?! I have a chipin account for contributors and i set that up before this year start. Maybe, someone will see this and help me even if I didnt get all the money. Somethin is better then nothin! Pullin a smaller loan out sounds reasonable then pulling a bigger loan out. I can handle with just havin my top sugery done for now, but they fix and tweet to make the lower surgery better......Wishing few would see my site and donate. 2-3months in and yet im still sittin at $0. Its hard to come up with money yet your tryin to better ya credit score at the same time. Gettin at of debt has been a dream for a few years but how much longer do i have to wait to be happy?! Im sick of waitin and not havin a "healthy" body to where I can hold down 4jobs to make my debt demisses (i think I spelt that wrong, more likely) and get my top surgery done at the same time.

Its hard make make my dreams reach and be dealin with arthritis. Not makin excuses at all, cause i deal with it every day on no pills and do my excerises to make a day less painful.

Im a guy who has to much pride to ask for help....but im fallin down and want to have kind ppl knowing what im going through and yet they are there to hold out their hand and want to help.

Is that to much to ask for?

jayd6 jayd6
26-30, M
Jan 27, 2013