I Am, Who I Am, Who I Am, Who I Am... A Trainwreck

I'm Cade, and I'm a 16 year old FtM transgender kid. I think I really realized something was wrong when I was 6, and I saw my cousin wearing a towel around his waist after his shower. I did the same, and was met with a fuss and my aunt yelling at me because "girls are supposed to cover their chests, too." I didn't understand why I couldn't wear my towel around my waist, but I listened to her despite my confusion. After that, things just got more and more confusing for me. I was supposed to act this way, talk like this, do that, wear this. But it all felt wrong. I couldn't wear dresses, and I didn't want to wear my mom's makeup. I wanted to build treehouses and wrestle with my cousins. Everyone said I was a "tomboy", but I knew that was wrong, too. When I hit 13 and puberty set in, these things sprouted from my chest and all I knew is that I wanted them gone, and fast. I didn't want to wear a bra, I didn't want to eventually bleed from what I wished was my penis. Around the same time, I knew I liked girls. I identified as a lesbian, but the word didn't sound like what I was. It sounded more like something I would put on toast, than something I wanted to be called. It wasn't until I was 14 that I met a guy online who was just like me. He was born a girl, but he knew he was really a boy. We dated for a while, and I never told him about my gender issues. I was his "Princess", and that's when I snapped. I got unbelieveably depressed. I hated my body, I hated my life. I tried to kill myself, and failed. I broke up with him almost a year later, and met a girl who let me be masculine in a relationship with her. I told her that I wanted to be a boy, and she accepted that. I was happy. I was content in my body for once, but it wasn't enough. We ended up failing, and I fell back into a depression... But it was then that I realized what I had to do. I had to be myself. I had to start my transitional process. Which brings me to now. I'm currently "out" to my mother and my friends, and I'm in therapy so that I can start taking T. Chest surgery will be my step after that. It's been tough so far. I've had my ups and downs since coming out, but I know I'll be okay. I've got support from the people who matter to me most, and I know that my ex (who I am best friends with now, and "she" has recently come out as a "he", so we're going through the exact same thing!) will kick me in the *** if I ever think things are hopeless. Anyway... The purpose of posting here is that I'd love to talk to some people who are going through, or have went through, what I'm going through. I've got a lot of questions, mostly about T, so anyone who has already started T... Well, I'd love to bug the hell out of you with my questions. Take care, everyone. - Cade.

Cadeninprogress Cadeninprogress
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 27, 2010

im currently going through the same thing (just not on T) when i was six i followed my brother around topless and we would wrestle each other, my family said it was natural and i would grow out of it. ... i just couldn't understand the difference. Now i'm sixteen and have come out of my 'shell'... have to say dad didnt really take it well. but i was confused about how much my friends have supported me and my family not so much.
XD oh well thats just life, i suppose.

haha the chest situation sounds like what i went threw. i was about five or six and walked out of the house behind my brother.both of us topless.XD i tollaly didnt understand y my dad was so mad.Ouch my poor rear.<br />
i was wiped and sent back in the house.but what i didnt get at the time was y my bro wasnt. i got the talk about ur a girl ur not supost to do that.