Will It Ever End?

I'd love to say that I'm making a New Year's resolution to "quit raging" - but I can't. I could try, but it's one of those things which seems beyond my control. I'm sure others in this group would be able to relate to what I mean in saying that it consumes me, this horrible feeling of always being on edge, always ready to snap at the slightest thing! It's so painful living like this. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have been in therapy and am on anti-anxiety medication to help lessen this conditional however it's not enough anymore, and I sincerely think it's time I go back to therapy to figure out what is at the root of this stress and severe depression. The meds do help - though unfortunately I've developed a tolerance and it's unlikely that any doctor would increase the dosage of my most helpful medication for this condition. Even should they, it would surely cease to be enough at a point - which is why I must find the root cause and come to terms, find peace with whatever it is that's taken over my ability to enjoy life.

So yeah, the rage goes on - I really am going to try to lessen the amount of this monster inside me if at all possible. I will take steps to get to the root and find a more permanent solution as opposed to a prescription band-aid which is losing the battle. I hope to post in the months to come how I've found ways to relax and live a happier life so that others can benefit from what I'm writing instead of simply relating to it. All the same, I welcome your comments regarding my post and appreciate any feedback from the community - to all others battling this inner-rage, best of luck moving forward and I wish us all a happier new year!
eMonkey eMonkey
26-30, M
2 Responses Jan 9, 2013

I can understand the anxiety and depression side of what you are going through right now for I have been there and it truly is a desperate place to be in.Depression is something the majority of people never experience,they may feel down and use the word depressed however they are just in a low mood state.True depression is crushing,I would not wish it on anyone and to have anxiety with it is horrific.
I did not realise you were in this state,you must try and live one day at a time,I know I could not see any kind of future when I was in depression.I will tell you one thing,it does relent eventually.It took me a very long time to recover ( years ) however I am in a healthy state of mind now.
Keep in touch friend,I have been through the mill also. P

Thanks Garvan for the read and your kind and true words. It's been a long journey to get where I am today, I often times forsake all which I have accomplished and fail to realize that so many aspects of my life ARE improving! I will seek counsel as I've been unable to pull myself up to a healthy state of mind and there's too much at stake for everything to fall apart... Thanks for being a friend, I'll write you hopefully sooner than later - take care and know how much I value your support! You are a great person :)

Thank you,and do keep in touch,I have been through what you are experiencing....P

I feel the same right now...........starting searching for an answer and came across this site......u sharing makes it better for me cause I sometimes think I'm the only one. So glad I found this tonight.........also have been thinking I should go run my *** off like I use to but can't seem to get out of the door! Rawwwww! I'm going to attempt in the morning!

I am glad you know you are not alone - and I can totally understand how you feel that way as I often have that very same feeling! I think, "everyone else is able to manage with a lot more on their plates than I, I'm weak, fragile and pathetic..." - so on and so forth. Not sure if you do this too, but I do know it's neither helpful nor healthy to be stuck in that thought process, I'm working on it. I used to mountain bike often and it really did help - come to think of it as you mentioned running, I haven't gotten nearly enough exercise nor fresh air and sunshine for ages. I know for a fact this would help - I get so caught up in my downward spiral of rage that I'm crippled and it's very self destructive! If I simply made the time, or took the time that I do have spent "raging" - I could do things to try and relax. Hell, I must. I'll be the first to admit it, as shameful as it seems, that's I'm really engulfed in my own drama, beating myself up, which I KNOW I have the power to change. I just need to find the inner-flame, the strength to "keep calm and carry on". I've definitely become much more of a "now panic and freak out" type - and it's not healthy.

So yeah - thanks as always for the post, I have really been reflecting upon this matter and so kinda went off on some tangents expanding my experience and my thoughts - feel free to do the same if you'd like! I'm hoping to later post to this experience that I've found peace, each day is an opportunity to make progress and I must learn patience, if I can live in the now and stop stressing tomorrow, everything would continue to work out as it always does, and I'd be much more calm and collected...

Best of luck to you! I hope to hear your progress and journey as well - feel free to message me anytime if you care to talk more about it :)