Born To Fall From Grace

I loved Jesus, and he loved me. Or at least thats what I believed. Why shouldn't I? I had been taught that my entire life. God and life had been good to me. I was lucky enough to be born in the covenent, lucky to be in the only true church on the face on the planet. My world was perfect. It was until 7th grade.
Thats when there was a knock on my door. Within seconds the police were in. I was in my room. The following 2 hours turned into a haze. I found out that my myspace was being targeted by a ********* and that I might have to testify. My parents had no clue what was going on...
They didn't know of my use of Myspace or that the fact that I wasn't feeling attracted to girls either. The police filled them in on both.
My perfect, false but perfect, mormon life shattered.
The truth was out. But it wasn't the truth that hurt, it was the silence. Everyone knew. Everyone feigned ignorance, thinking that if unattended to it might just go away. That was how my parents usually work. If you don't think about it, it doesn't exist. If exists, then you must be thinking about it.
Depression started to set in. I thought it was God's way of punishing me for being gay. Guilt was with me every step I made, knowing that if I was gay, I couldn't really get married (in a happy relationship at least) and that without eternal marriage, Exaltation was out of the picture. I wanted... no needed to change. My depression turned closer and closer to suicidiality and my parents enrolled me in the Church Family Services counceling. It was difficult to hide from my councelor that I was gay. So I told him. Then he made me formally tell my family (parents at least) and my Bishop.
My mom cried for what seemed days and appeared to be in a near catatonic state. My dad shrugged and said the police told him. And the Bishop offered his loving support and the support of the Lord.
I went through the evergreen program which attempted to turn me straight. I was told that there was a 100% chance of someone my age being "cured" from "Same sex attraction". (This fact I later found out is a breach of the APA's code of conduct on conversion therepy).
As I tried what the program asked of me, I felt momentary moments of hope, always to be dashed apart by the hopelessness of the depression which overwhelmed me. The truth was there in front of me, but I lied to myself, and everyone supported my lie. I couldn't change. It was a part of who I was.
After a suicide attempt in the church and only a week before I would have been ordained a Priest, my faith faltered.
It did not disappear. Thats something with the Mormon religion that can't happen, especially after 16 years. Mormonism is not a religion so much as it is a Life style, and it takes over all of your life. Leaving the Mormon religion feels like dying.
It had to be the hardest choice of my life. Some told me that I could be both gay and mormon, but that was a feat I could not do. I was faced with a catch 22. Either I continue living a lie in the church, and most probably end up killing myself, sending me to hell (or the lowest of the 3 kingdoms.) or I could leave the church, live a long life, being the best person possible, and be myself, and for doing so, go to Hell. I decided to choose the latter.
But it has not been easy. My "depression" as it seems turned out to be bipolar disorder and it effects me still today. There is no logic or reasoning behind the hypomanic or depressive attacks like I thought there was when I still considered myself mormon.
But overall, since leaving the church, and christianity in whole, I have been able to be comfortable with myself, and realize that we can all find out our own truth. Truth lies not in intolerance and bigotry, but in the word which all religions preach, in one form or another, and that is the word of Love.