Big Boys Do Cry...I usually blog about current events or various issues going on. Today I need to vent a bit.
I met a guy online a little while back. He was really cute and sweet and we seemed to have common interests and both wanted a serious relationship. We clicked. I don't need to go into detail here because most of you know how it feels to just click with someone. The problem was it was over the internet and text message. I asked him out on a date and we were set to go out.
I was so excited for our date because we really clicked and though it wasn't long we had been talking, I cared for him. I tend to get emotional and invested in my relationships with anyone. My friends are all very important and I get emotional when one of them is hurting or whatever. So, naturally, when I start to feel something for this guy I get emotionally attached. I am not stupid, I wasn't falling in love. I hadn't met him yet. I just really liked him and felt that we could really have something develop between us.
Not long before our date I got a call at 4 in the morning from him. He was drunk and wanted to come over to my apartment. The distance is pretty long and I was worried about him driving drunk. I kept trying to talk him out of coming top my apartment and get him to find a ride home. Eventually he told me he was driving home and kept telling me he wanted to come to see me. I didn't know what to do because I was so worried he'd get hurt or in trouble. I told him that I would drive to him and get him home.
I drove to him and he had already driven to his apartment. I met him for the first time while he was drunk. He was still gorgeous and now I wasn't so upset for having to drive over there to keep him safe. I went into his apartment thinking we would just go to sleep and go home in the morning. He began kissing me which was great. Then to make a long story shorter and appropriate, we had sex.
I went home the next day and he texted me saying he was concerned about how quickly we got physical. I agreed it was fast, but I didn't think it was a deal breaker or that we couldn't still have a solid relationship or at least pursue a relationship. He then had to work the day that we were supposed to have our date.
I was concerned and texted him I'd like to talk and he preferred to text. I accepted that and told him that if we both want a serious relationship and we both agree that it was too fast, we should be adults and sit down together and lay out boundaries and take sex off of the table for a while until we get a chance to really know each other better. We had a bit of a back and forth with me trying to convince him that we can get passed it and that I was serious about a real relationship.
He then told me he thought I was attacking him like I was saying that he wasn't good enough for me and he said I made his decision for him and that it was not going to work.
I told him that that's why I wanted to talk and not text because I didn't mean to attack him at all but he saw it that way by my word choice. I can sort of see where he saw that, but I was emotional and in tears so I wasn't able to articulate very well by text message. I apologized if he thought I was attacking him and that I simply felt we could still make things work and that it was up to him if he wanted to try.
He said he did not.
So, here I am heartbroken. He claims he wanted a serious relationship but apparently he just wanted to use me. I feel dirty and stupid. He was really sweet and I really thought we had potential for a serious relationship. We got along so well and I had a romantic date planned. I am not the type of person who goes out and jumps into bed with a guy seeing as how this was the first time I had ever had sex. I dated one other guy before for 2 months and never did anything sexual. This was a fluke and a case of getting caught up in the moment and the fact that I was so caught up in our great start.
My head tells me he is a jerk who wanted to "hit it and quit it" and that he just did everything he could to make me feel it's my fault for ruining the relationship. My heart tells me that I should have done so many things differently and I could still be dating him. I could go out on our romantic date, learn about him and his family and what he wants to do with his life. I could potentially be in a long term serious relationship with him and I blew it.
I never though he was a bad guy. I still hope he isn't but I would expect a good guy to talk to me and work things out. I still think he's a good guy at heart and we just had bad communication through it all. Maybe I overreacted and I should've just shut my mouth and let him think about it for a while after we slept together and he might have come to the same conclusion but I pushed him to fast and he got scared and thought I was too pushy or something and left.
I knew that it was too fast to have sex. I just never thought it was bad enough to stop our relationship in its tracks and not even give us a shot. I don't feel that virginity is a big deal so I don't think it is affecting my feelings on this issue. I am upset because I saw real potential for a long term serious relationship with him and we blew it because of a series of mistakes.
I know that if we had gone on our date that I had planned, we would've hit it off and at least been friends. I had no intention of getting physical. I even considered how quick it was and started to hesitate because that is not like me. I'm not interested in sex over emotional attachment. I got physical with him because he was gorgeous and I already felt comfortable with him.
I know that in time, I will get over it and see that in the future I will have a rule of how many dates before physical relations. I never thought I would need to lay that rule out because I am very responsible and never thought this would happen. Now I'll be more cautious in relationships and come away with this with at least one positive, great sex.
That will be my eventual feelings about this, but until then I feel like absolute garbage. I feel dirty, sad, upset, angry, disappointed, and overall depressed that I may have screwed up something really good.
My friend talked me down pretty well as I was much more banged up before. I was in tears and heartbroken. He told me that I need to go ahead and cry it out and feel bad for a while, but that this guy is just a punk and that he was never serious and that he just wanted sex and then screwed with my head to make me think he was the victim. My friend might be right, but I don't think this guy was bad. I think the situation got out of control and he made a mistake by not getting to know me for me.
I'm gonna go ahead and be depressed for a while, cry some, reflect, and try to get over him. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone else is doing better than me right now.
acumen 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 Jun 14, 2010