Emotions About The Past

I really don't know why I am writing this, except that I just need to unload. I just had a flood of emotions and memories from the past and needed a place to get them out. So here it goes...

I never watched soaps. Just wasn't my thing. I found a video by complete accident, searching you tube for the video for a song. After watching that video it struck a chord and I had to find out what this was I just saw. It turned out to be a compilation video from As The World Turns... cheesy, I know. I really wasn't ready for what I stumbled across, but I found myself engrossed and watched their story from beginning to end this weekend. The story line was about two guys that are each other's first love. This story hit so close and stirred up emotions I haven't felt in long time.

I have always identified as being straight. I am engaged to a beautiful woman (inside and out), who I met after college. I always had girlfriends in high school and some in college as well. They say you never forget your first true love and I guess that is true with me too.

In college I was best friends with this guy. We were always doing something together, were fraternity brothers, the whole nine yards. We both had girlfriends and life was good. But things would change. One afternoon we were watching tv and talking at my apartment after going to the gym. While trying to make a point about whatever it was we were talking about, I put my hand on his leg. We looked at each other for what was only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity and kissed.

After that we pretty much stayed away from each other for a few weeks. But it is kind of difficult to avoid each other when you are in the same fraternity, have the same friends, etc. So one evening he came back over to my apartment, we had a few beers and a long conversation about what happened earlier led to another kiss... and another long conversation about what happens next. Very shortly after that we both broke up with our girlfriends and started just seeing each other.

We kept everything between us, and our "dates" appeared as nothing more than two friends hanging out. It was the happiest I had ever been. There was a whirlwind of emotions that I had never had before. It was scary but at the same time it felt right. We would sneak a kiss here and there when nobody was looking, or a quick sly touch. But when we were alone it was explosive, even when just on the sofa watching a movie.

We had different apartments and both had roommates, but at night we would sneak into each others apartment so we could hold each other while we slept. A simple touch brought so much comfort. If we saw each other smile, the other one couldn't help but smile... and I would do anything to see that smile. Just taking a drive with my hand on his leg, or something seemingly as insignificant became my world. Everything just fit.

The next summer his roommate went home so his apartment became "our" apartment. It was during that time when I first told someone I loved them and truly meant it, and this was true for him, too. I still remember the song that was playing when we said it. Our connection was so strong and intense. During our senior year we continued to grow closer and closer and our love for each other grew in ways that I could not imagine. I had never actually been in love before, not on this level, and I never thought that it would be with another man.

During the last semester of our senior year we started making plans to find jobs and move to the same city. Although we never had sex, we still considered each other to be our "lover", never used the term boyfriend, but just said that we were each others. But things were about to change. Our parents knew that we were good friends, but nothing else. He went home one weekend and had a talk with his mother... about us. I have to admit that he was much braver than I was/am. I didn't have the guts. She began putting a lot of pressure on him. It got to the point where we were crying together more than anything else, and neither one of us cry. It just felt like the only thing to do. The end was in sight and we both knew it. Graduation was horrible. We spend our last night together just holding each other, crying and trying to comfort each other. After graduation we went back to our home cities and gave an attempt at a long distance thing, which never works. Slowly we started talking less and less until we just stopped. It crushed me, it crushed him. I had never felt pain like that. At this point we haven't spoken in a few years.

I am very happy now and cannot wait to marry the love of my life. I love her just as much as I did him, even more, and it grows everyday. But, it is true that you never forget your first real, true love. I was not prepared for this to rip open all these emotions and memories that I had stuffed away.

I am sorry for running on and on. Just needed to unload.
thepast thepast
5 Responses Jul 11, 2010

I love the story of Luke & Noah i used to watch it every day :P<br />
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back to your story: Its too bad you had to brake up with him but im glad that you found love again in another person. I wish someting like that would happen with me and my friend. I love him alot but he wont notice me.

You know, all of this makes me wonder "what might have been" if things had if things had played out differently. I know that is a dangerous game to play, but that's where my head is right now...

You are probably right. An invitation is the right thing to do. Plus, it would be great to see him again. Everything else aside, I do miss having him as a friend. But the big day isn't until next year since she wanted a long engagement. So I have plenty of time to work it out.

She knows of him in that she knows that we were friends, not anything further than that. He was the only guy I had ever had that attraction to and those kind of feelings for and it was the same for him. We have both moved on and put this behind us. At this point I believe it would cause more harm than good if I told her how deep the relationship went. I am wondering now if I should invite him to the wedding. I had not planned on it, but we started out as friends and I know that he would support me and would probably be hurt if I didn't. That is probably just asking for trouble though...

Thanks for sharing that... It was very powerful.. I would say I'm sorry that things didn't work out, but it sounds like you're pretty happy with the way things turned out too.. I am sorry it had to end with so much heartbreak. Good luck with your future :)