I Am Gay But I Don't Want To Be

I am 17 years old and ever since I was little my friends told me that I was gay, I always denied it. When I was young I knew I was kind of feminist and looked gay but I didn't know that yet. I started noticing I looked kind of gay when I looked myself in photos, videos and audio recordings. Still I was to young to know what was happening to me I guess. I even had a crush on a girl in elementary school.

Everything changed when I got into puberty, I had my first gay experience with a neighbor, I wasn't in love with him we just did a few things for sexual pleasure. I didn't know what love meant at that time. I surfed **** websites and checked the "bisexual" button instead of the "gay" one. I still denied that I was gay, I just did not wanted to accept it. I started going to church and they teacher me that gays and lesbians do not go to heaven, and the bible says it, which made me feel more confused because I did not chosed to be gay I just am. By the way, I don't have anything against gay people or lesbians I have a couple of gay friends I just don't want to be one. Which is weird I know.

As time passed I started to realize more and more the reality of my sexuality I clicked the "gay" button on websites. Still I never told anyone how I felt. Everything changed on december last year I met a friend (let's call him cito) Me and cito knew each other before december still we started talking more and became close friends on December. He had a crush on my best friend (nicole) Whig is a girl. So w started talking about her and everything and eventually found out that she liked him too. So it was perfect, still nothing happened between them. Cito and me talked every night for at least 30 minutes about everything. That same december I found out that cito smoked weed, when he told me this I was devastated I was frustrated because we became really close friends. I ended up smoking with him ad we still do sometimes. When he started hitting on another girl named Kati I felt jealous, it was weird that I actually felt jealous about him hitting on another girl besides my friend nicole this is when I realized that I was in love with cito. It was the first time ever I really felt love for someone before.

Cito and me started hanging out together and everything I met all of his friends from school. I really felt like we could have something together, and I still do. We never talked about us having a relationship because I was shy and I really don't know if he feels the same way but it sure seemed like it because we literally did everything together, web the simple things like going to the store and getting some gas. I literally met all of his friends, he presented them to me. We also talked on the phone during the night at least half an hour every day and I went to his house everyday and spent long hours with him. When we got drunk sometimes he said things like "our friendship is forever", "thanks for being part of me" he even told me once "you're more than a friend, you're family"

Everybody started thinking that we were a couple and they mentioned some stuff but we ignored them. Then cito's mom started thinking the same thing she even discussed with him and asked him if I was his boyfriend, he denied it obviously that's when everything kind of disappeared. We started hanging out in groups and not just us two. Still he tells me everything and I tell him everything too. We don't talk that much anymore, we don't hang out that much everything is just like when it all started as a simple friendship. Still I think something can happen in the future who knows.

I am gay and I did not chose to be but I am. Sometimes I wish I was a normal guy, not that being gay means you're not normal but you know, gay people are rejected by society and religion. I love god but I can't believe the bible because it says that if you're gay you're not going to heaven and I don't get that. It confuses me. I love cito but society would never accept how we are (if he feels the same way ). It's like we're trapped somewhere it's confusing. I just want to meet people that have a similar situation because it's really hard. I sit and cry sometimes thinking what di I did wrong. Why was I born like this, I don't know if I'll ever get answers but I sure hope I do.
q8yyhmtv0f q8yyhmtv0f
22-25, M
25 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Wow, So sad. Being gay is the best thing I could imagine and I have been so happy for so many years and enjoyed so very many people intimately after freeing myself from all the hetero hate and all the hetero mythology of only one person to love and horrendous hetero god stories and all their formulaic hetero romantic **** --which is really based on and totally to sugarcoat and to support two economic social concerns: paternity and property rights. Those are actually the basis for all of marriage and for most of the religious strictures and taboos that have been developed over thousands of years to support them. The male human wants to have lots of and naturally enjoys sex, lots of sex with lots of partners and really doesn't need too much of all the other garbage unless he's been brainwashed and made to feel inferior or bad or criminal or dirty or evil or whatever the haters and ignorant try to call us. All BS! Sex is great, ***** are fantastic and delicious and the more you do it without strings attached and the more guys you enjoy the greater life is! Don't use sex to try to control others or to "marry" them or to make them do what you want --No guilt trips or power plays!! Just enjoy sex for the hot, sensuous and great release and experience it is --especially with other men and their incredible *****! I have so many great and special friends and we are so sexy and intimate, sometimes several times in a single day and sometimes in groups of us all naked and sexing with each other, everybody trying to achieve ******* and give ******* to others. I love to enjoy several ***** all at once like bukkake (google it!) Wow, being in close, physical contact with men's bodies, serving and servicing each other, and being inside their bodies and having them inside me and sharing our really magical essence and juice is the most thrilling and hot and exciting and pleasurable times I have ever had, ever experienced and ever imagined. It is actually so fantastic that society, the church, women, all the "ruling" forces are afraid of just how consuming and thrilling it is! Way beyond anything they can offer to make you do what they want and better than any food, money, entertainment, anything! Give me a man and his **** and his juice or several and I am totally fulfilled (in the real way) and totally happy! And once you've been so intimate and had so much sex with guys you have a real special, incredible bond and can do all kinds of things together in the times between having sex if there is any! LOL

Oh THAT is EXACTLY whats happening to me. Although i know that its really devastating that you cannot love your bestfriend because of the bible. You have the same situation with me. I know it really HURTS. And the bible didnt literally mean that if youre gay you will go directly to hell. It meant that if you do impure acts anyway. But i know that its kind of unfair that we were born like this while others are born normal. But know this that you are not alone.

I feel the same way but been single all my life almost a virgin

Nothing wrong at all, you just need to relax and explore and go with the flow and enjoy. Gay sex is the BEST!

You are so lucky. Enjoy all the sex you can do and get!

God made you who you are and how you are. God doesn't make mistakes. I know from personal experience how difficult it can be being gay and Christian. Part of that is that lots of people may be able to quote scripture, but fewer actually understand it. Type into your browser "What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality": there are some good articles that may help you understand yourself and God better.

You sound a lot like me when I was your age....Unlike you I ended up messing around with 3 different straight friends. We all had girlfriends and appeared very straight.....I ended up getting married for awhile and then divorced....in and out of straight relationships for several years. I finally gave a gay relationship a try....The sex was good but I did not care for the lifestyle....I have come to the conclusion that I am sexually fluid(bisexual)....Now days before getting into a relationship I make a point of letting whoever know that I admire both sexes and refuse to pick one over the other....Thats my experience, hope it might of helped in someway. Ps, you will most likely have to try the gay lifestyle before you are able to make up your mind. What ever you decide to do make sure you have RESPONSIBLE/SAFE SEX>

This is exactly me and what i went through. Im not lieing my friend and i went throught this. If you want to talk about it im here. I want to know becAuse im going through the same thing and could use some help

Well, try talking to cito about your friendship, because you won't find that many friends. It seems to me that he's drifting away because he doesn't want to be called gay or something, but you gotta make him believe that your friendship is worth more than that!

Don't worry about being gay, young people (up to 18 years old) and closed-mind people don't accept different guys, but sooner you'll see that you can find true friends who accept you as you are.

Oh, I know I'm kinda late and all, but one last thing:<br />
<br />
<br />
I think that it's pathetic how people can quote a book written by other people in order to justify such horrible acts that go against the very basics of their own religion ('god loves ALL', 'jesus loved us ALL so much he sacrificed himself' etc...)<br />
<br />
If god didn't love you, why would he make you? <br />
<br />
You shouldn't be placed into a religion, especially if you feel forced. You should choose your own, and the one that suits you the best and agrees with you.<br />
<br />
Personally, I have went and discovered all over the map, from Christianity to Wiccan, and finally settled with most of the Buddhist philosophy, which I think makes the most sense and is the most logical.<br />
<br />
Only choose to absorb what agrees with you and what feels right. Oh, and what others think doesn't matter, after all the only thing that matters is what you think of it and how you feel about it.<br />
<br />
All the best and good luck :)

They have gay aa and they believe in god

I know it's a hard name to pronounce, I'll change it soon! hahaha xD anyway! thanks all for the comments ! :) I feel better when I read them.

I think everybody has made some good points, but remember you aren't "gay", liking a guy is just a part of you. Very few people are truly 100% gay or 100% straight, so why label yourself as such? You should just be yourself, whether that means you like guys or girls it's like trying to argue whether you like a certain color more than another. (Though I understand that if you are looking for a guy, then it would make sense to label yourself as gay as if to say "I'm available", but aside from that, I don't really see much of a reason to label yourself, to yourself.)<br />
<br />
Just be yourself and learn from experiences, I know when I was in elementary and half of middle school, i liked girls, and now I like guys. It's just something that happens, but it's only a part of you and it doesn't define who you are.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out great for you!

thats really how i feel about the whole thing. i think sometimes if its bad to not believe in gay marriage and then i get a friend who asks me what if it was switched, what if it was people of the same gender being together since the beginning and everyone saw straight marriages as weird...

it just makes you have to see a different perspective.

i really, REALLY agree that sometimes it DOESNT feel like were 100% of either though i still find it a weird concept to say i find a girl really cute if, hey, im a straight girl. &gt;.&gt;

or u know, the lameness of liking mostly guys that are gay and not having them like me back. and then say the same thing happens to a gay guy but its that he likes guys but they always seem to be straight. it just seems so confusing...

i am almost exactly the same, minus the religion and a couple other details. i didn't think i would ever see something like this anywhere.

As a said before. I already gave my point of view. with quotes. I rest my case. Better be one stubborn person than 2.... <br />
<br />
I dont get it thou.. why fallow the golden rule? if the bible is wrong. We might as well do watever the f*** we want.

To add (or to reiterate) What JP was saying.. The Bible is not much more than a game of Telephone by now.. it has been Translated into so many different languages, and things have been taken out of it... And though it may be the "Word of God" but remember that it was written by the hands of MAN.. So even if you believe in God and study the Bible.. You still have to remember that it wasn't written by GOD Themself...

society can **** itself. there's nothing wrobg with you and it's sad that you've been made to feel there is, even when you know better. trust me, you're far from alone

Thank you all for the comments :) i feel better I guess i'll just give it time and i will all fall into place eventually, I'll just be myself and try to be happy

I hear you and I feel your pain. I didn't figure out I was gay until I was 41, and I still don't want to be gay. I am in love with a woman that will probably never be able to love me back. I have lost my Church family and it is very painful. So I understand when you say it is not what you want in your life. But given your youth, there are a lot of programs available to help you cope. You might say you are in the "questioning" mode if it makes you feel better. You might look for a GLSEN chapter near you, or PFLAG. Best wishes, and I hope you learn to love yourself and accept who you are.

Just a question? does that mean that just because SOME religions are gay friendly means is okay?<br />
<br />
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (New American Standard Bible)<br />
<br />
9Or (A)do you not know that the unrighteous will not (B)inherit the kingdom of God? (C)Do not be deceived; (D)neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor [a]effeminate, nor homosexuals,<br />
<br />
10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will (E)inherit the kingdom of God. <br />
<br />
Nowhere in the bible discriminates against ppl of color nor women.

I grew up Christian as well and I know that It's so hard to come to terms with being gay for Christians. There are many arguments about Gays going to Heaven and everything else.. and there are churches even that are very gay friendly, I think looking up those would be very helpful for you, should you choose to keep your faith. I hope things get better for you, And I'm very proud of you for not trying to "Become Straight" We all know it doesn't work and leads to depression and living a life unfulfilled.. There's nothing wrong with the person you are.

i agree with jack... <br />
<br />
I am older than you and i still dont know what i want or who i am. Im not sayin you dont love cito cus i know how that feels but at the same time you might find that later on you love some one even more. We still have time to figure everything out. No need to rush when the time is right im sure we will find out who we are.

Thanks jackmonroe :)

I think your a bit young to say who are what you are especially if you "don't want to be gay" Suggest you give it time, associate with both sexes and see what your naturally drawn to. It is not that you need to decide right now which you are.<br />
<br />
Best thing to be is you. Find others who are accepting of who you are, now matter what you are, and life will be better for you

i feel the same way i don't want to be but something over comes me when im near guys are around i just want it to end i try to figure out which sexes i like im christian so it very hard.i still haven't told my parents how i feel im just going to wait untll it wears off.

you are n who you are

I do believe what the bible says but it's just confusing because I did not chose this and the bible states tha you get to choose with your actions and your faith and that's not our case. Which makes it all very confusing, but thanks for hot comment

Sometimes i wish the same thing. I am christian person & i know the feeling of knowing that gay and lesbians are going to hell. But i do believe it. I didn't ask to be born what i am. I do think we are born this way cus i dont remember never given a choice and if i had i wouldnt have chosen this because is hard and society reject homosexuals. But just know that you are not alone there are other people that share your same experience. I didnt used to accept what i am. Im still closeted but now i know what my feelings are even if im not okay with them.<br />
<br />
I just wish you the best.