Still Not Out...

Well, I know I am gay, my friends know I am gay, my co-workers know I am gay, random strangers know I am gay, but my family has NO IDEA. I have known I was gay forever but I was never confortable with it until last year. I was in high school and I had a girlfriend, nothing serious but still. She was only someone I hung out with at lunches and before school. But one day she asked me out and I was still pretending (for lack of a better term) to be straight so I said yes. Oh that and prom was coming up and I felt it was important for me to go with someone. But anyway I felt horrible for the two weeks it lasted mostly for her because I was just stringing her along on my lie.
So two weeks pass and she started to nag me about not doing anything more with her and I just couldn't take it anymore. So the next morning I took her far away from people and told her that I was gay and immediatly started pleading for her not to tell anyone. I was expecting for her to hate me, slap me, run away crying or something but instead she was very understanding. That is still the only time I have ever came out and told someone I was gay.
After that I felt alot ALOT more comfortable about coming out to some people. But to this day I still never just tell anyone. Most people just guess because I have become more secure about who I am and it has gotten pretty obvious. But if you were to ask me I would tell you but other than that I wont say anything about it. (Leads to some very funny moments when it takes people a while to find out :-) . I would like to think I am out and proud about who I am but on the inside I know I am not.
My family has no idea I am gay. It is something I feel like I can't tell them. I think my mom would be ok with it but my dad would hate me. He makes comments about gay people all the time. He has talked about gay people being what ruined Rome and other fallen empires. He gets worked up when gay rights come up on ballots. Yet I still love him and owe him alot. He has gotten me through alot and I still depend on him. It makes me feel horrible not to be able to tell them but I feel there is too much at stake...
Thanks for reading,

SpunkyBoi SpunkyBoi
18-21, M
8 Responses Jul 14, 2010

Wow, i feel like I can really relate to this story.<br />
Also, like you, I have yet to tell my parents because I don't think my dad would like it at all and my mom would probably be okay with it, but it would affect things between us nonetheless. <br />
I agree with the others that telling those close to you can be very liberating and when you tell your parents and they accept it, then it can probably be the best feeling of all (aside from being able to accept it yourself). <br />
I suggest not stressing too much about telling them right now and just waiting until you feel it is right for you to come out to them. <br />
I hope that things turn out well for you as you continue to grow and continue to experience the world as it develops into a more accepting society.

Dear Spunky Boi.<br />
I think telling your family that you are gay are the hardest people to have to tell that you are gay.<br />
I found it was a lot easier telling a friend. You will know when the time right. I myself would wait until<br />
you felt completely comfortable with it. Your mom would probably be best Hang in there buddy,<br />
for you'll know when the time right.

First comment I can make is that you can never predict how people will react to your "coming out". I can tell stories about me or my friends' "coming out" to persons important to us and their reactions. EVERYONE of us can tell of a situation that was totally opposite of the expectation.<br />
<br />
Secondly, I came out in my mid 40's after 25 years of marriage. Major change in my personality cus of the burden being lifted and no lies anymore. I have the best of the "coming out" stories cus my kids still love me and always supported me and my wife (former wife) is one of my closest friends. Summary is that I can now move through life much more enjoyment in myself and my family cus I am not having to hide anything.<br />
<br />
Lastly, my parents both passed without me telling them I was gay. As strong Catholics, Dad would have found it difficult to understand, but I feel he would since I think he was "light in the loafers" a bit too. Mom would have still loved me totally, but would not have understood how that could be.

that sounds SO familiar... I was in exactly the same situation.. except for I was with my girlfriend for almost 2 YEARS.. I never did tell my Dad, he passed away not knowing.. and to tell you the truth.. I don't think I ever would have told him. And my Mom was a little weird about it at first.. but she got used to it. It makes it SO much easier to let those close to you that you can trust know who you truly are. and like JP said (BTW he is an amazing person to talk to about ANYTHING!) Look for other gay people, they can either talk about what they are going through or have gone through and identify with you. I wish you the best :)

That is the biggest lie of USA .. its not a free country and never will.

In my situation I came out as bisexual to my parents in conversation, as if it were a casual detail. It became a whole big debate and they laughed. They do not believe me to this day. My mother specifically thinks the "media is influencing me". Really I don't want to put a label on my orientation. In uber-sciencee terms I am pansexual, someone who does not focus on gender but on personality and the person... Again I dislike labels.<br />
So I stopped bringing it up to my parents. But I will ALWAYS have this defense for any side in this argument-<br />
Every person has the right to follow their beliefs, religiously and the like. By not allowing gays to marry each other we as a country are being hypocrites. Supposedly America is a free country and yet religiously we are strangling people who just want to love, just the same as we all do. A side-note to this is anyone who puts a limit on love is someone I am truly disappointed on. I mean no age limits, no gender limits, race, size, health. Be proud of who you love. Perhaps someday you could bring home the boyfriend to meet dad. Someday...

Hi... <br />
i am a closeted gay ( bi idk yet xD ) and i know what you are feeling not ebing able to tell yor family. I never told my mom she found out ( if you read my story you will know how ) and since she found out i feel a lil more comfortable with the idea of me not being straight. But im still not really comfortable and as oppose to the guy over there ^ i would want to be straight for nothing. I would give anything to be straight.

What you're going thru is what I believe ( since I've heard so many stories) happens with most gay young people. It is no easy task to have to figure all that out by yourself. <br />
I don't think you should jump into the fire by telling your Dad, but you might want to have "the talk" with your Mom. She may be able to help in some small way...maybe even a BIG way. Give her the benefit of the doubt. <br />
I'd be pleased if you read my coming out story. It's on my EP page. And if you need any advice or an ear to bend, I'd be priviledged.<br />
Best of luck. <br />
Oh and one more thing. Being gay can awesome. I wouldn't want to be str8 for $1,000,000.