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Story Of Abuse

it all started when I was around 6 I lived next door to 2 older guys , both of them my cousins I remember we would play normal games like play with little cars or tag till one day things got very bad I don't want to get into a lot of details since it's to graphic but one thing I want to say is that it was a very painful time in my life ......I was sexually abused by them for over 2 years ........ Those 2 years were he'll the abuse only stoped because my family move out of the country If not I'm sure it would had gone on for a very long time ...The next few years were very depressing I would have bad dreams I was an angry aggressive kid and still am , my biggest fear was for somebody to find out about it... The tought made me a very scared and depress angry kid.. I blamed miself for everything and I tought it was my fault and that I deserved it. Now I realized that I'm not to blame nobody deserves to be abused in any way especially when your just a little kid the thing that I regret the most is not telling anybody . Deep inside of me I have a lot of hAte for them and I know it might sound harsh but I wish them the worst of Luck. I wish and hope that they never succed in life or on anything they try to do and I hope that if they ever get married or have kids that they don't do to them what they did to me. I don't plan to tell anybody About this anytime soon but I know there will be a day when I finally do. Today only the people that read this know a little about miself but I don't mind since you guys can't see me . I'm currently going to college majoring in psychology once I'm done I hope to use my degree to help others who have similar stories to mine
Eddiecalifornia Eddiecalifornia 22-25, M 9 Responses Jan 13, 2011

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Yesterday, August 20. i came across reading post of so many "abused" boys as they say. Abused can be called as one if you yourself is not enjoying what your cousins, step dads, elder brothers, best friend's dads, neighbor, uncles did to you. I guess if you're gay and you of course that from the time you were small then, I guess the experience of that you is somewhat an exciting event to you. And in fact that may actually lead to expecting more and more events between you and abuser. That is if you are gay. Being gay as person starts from your basic growing...the moment you learn you name and started recognizing ABCs then is also the gay you already had a feeling of gayness inside you. From most of the many posts I read yesterday, appeared blaming their abusers why they turned out to be gay in the future or after the event. tsk tsk tsk! I pity your abusers! They are just gay and they just happen to express their gayness with yo because they had a feeling that you are like them too. So, why keep throwing the stones and keeping in your heart the thing that you called nightmare when yourself exactly love the delight of every single experience. I juts don't get it when you guys feel sorry about it.



If you enjoyed eating much ice cream (literally an ICE cream) then don't hate later the sugar that is increasing in your blood stream for it was you who the one devouring it! You get what mean?

It's a tough thing to go through, I'm glad you don't blame yourself.. it's strange how very often those that endured sexual abuse.. or most any type of abuse as a child blame themselves. I know that you haven't healed all the way and if you ever need to talk to someone about it, you can send me a message.. I can't guarantee it will heal you, but I know it helps to talk to someone sometimes

Hey Eddie -

I'm so sad for what happened to ya, man. It's a hard, hard world where stuff like that happens to little boys.

You've made it past the initial guilt and feelings of self-responsibility, and that's a biggie. 'grats on making it through all the self-blame crap that we all do when this kind of stuff happens. I should clarify that for me it wasn't sexual abuse, but physical abuse - my dad beat the crap out of me on a regular basis when I was growing up.



So now it gives you terrible anxiety and insecurity, but I think that you'll overcome that as well. A lot of people say that the abused person has to be able to forgive their abuser in order to really heal, but I don't think that's true. I think the abused person has to be able to forgive themselves for all the terrible things that happened to oneself and get to a place where you have compassion and love for yourself. Some people use affirmations to reach this point, some people can reason themselves to it, as I did. i had this epiphany one day when I was in college: it doesn't matter what other people think of me, or whether they like me or not. There are gobs of people in the world, and odds are that some of 'em are gonna like me, so why sweat it? From that day forward, things started getting better. It was still a long, uphill battle, but I reached a place where I could see clearly that I'm a pretty good guy, and I like who I am, and that's good enough.

hug

Edycaliforna, part of the lure of Experience Project is to allow people to tell their stories of abuse and help to open up that part of their lives. I hope that some day soon you will be able to tell your parents or the authorities so as to clear your conscience from this. Remember, this was not your fault; but it is a part of your existence that you must come to face with. You will think a lot more of yourself when you are able to talk about this with people of authority.



I don't know, you may even be helped if you discussed it with your psych peers.

Wow 40 years that's a long time !!!! I think it will take me longer. Thanks for your support even though we don't know each other.

Well stay focused and look ahead, you have a good head on your shoulders. Think positive. things will work out for you. They did for me. And Stop blaming yourself, they did it to you. And a time will come when you will be able to tell someone, it took me nearly 40 years to come out, and I do have regrets, now. But that's behind me. I try to forgive, but I never forget, maybe someday.

For years I blamed miself but have come to realize that I'm not to blame but they are ... today I have no idea where one is but i know one of them is in ny me in California honestly I have not told anybody this is the first time I talk about it . And I only did because it was online where nobody could see me. You are right to this day I wonder if I was the only one ? I hope that I was but I will never know ...I think positive n hope that I was the only one . Someday when I'm ready I will tell somebody but for Now I still feel embarrassment . This has created a lot of issues in my life I have a very bad attitude and insecure I'm confused sexually I alway have a worried feeling for no reason ? But what keeps me in a somewhat better mood is that there's people out there like yourself that understand where I'm comming from ..

Just be glad you moved away. It could have gotten worse for you. Please accept my sympathies for what you endured. I don't think anyone should have went through what they did to you. My only regret, is you should have went to the athorities over this, before it gets out of hand. Because of what they did to you, who are they going to do next? A smaller child prehaps, and what if they decide to rape or kill this child? You should explain this to someone, The police, your parents, before this gets out of hand. I was raped as a child over 39 years ago. I am 50, now you will never forget, and being insecure, well that will come and go eventually, sometome in the future. Good Luck in what ever you decide. pepsiboy