Coming To Terms With My Sexuality

Just over 10 months ago I entered into my first relationship with another woman. Previously, i have had a couple of not very serious relationships with guys at high school, and one during my first year at uni. Although at the time(s) I was happy enough, falling in love with my girlfriend has brought to the surface feelings, emotions, confusion and suppression I went through during my childhood and teenage years. From the age of about 8, I've had feelings of attraction towards older women. My first experience that something could possibly be 'amiss' was in the playground at primary school when, after talking about a certain older girl in the drama group i was in, was accused of and declared to be a 'lesbian'. At that age, I wasn't even aware of what a lesbian was. I soon found out...

I realize now that attractions towards other older women throughout my school life, teachers, other girls was not a mere admiration of their human qualities and/or a desire for friendship, (as I insisted to myself it was) but a desire to have an intimate romantic/sexual relationship with them. I have only come to realize this in the last few months and suddenly all these small isolated incidents make sense. I remember many a sleepover with school friends when the conversation would invariably turn to which boys we fancied in school and it always made me feel a bit awkward.

Skipping forward a few years, after briefly meeting during sessions volunteering for the same charity back at my 'home'town,(I say 'home' as it was where I was born, grew up and went to school, yet I feel no affection for the place. My parents still live there, and was it not for that, and now the fact that my girlfriend also currently lives there, I would never go back), i was entranced by her. She was different to anyone else I'd ever met, had a cracking and unique sense of humour, was always acting the clown and making people laugh, had a heart of gold and always put other people before herself, a truly magnificent example of a human being. I knew she was a fair few years older than me, although not her exact age, and I knew she was transsexual, and I was entranced.

The next few months passed, I was back in uni a good 5 hours away, we had only had a couple of conversations and hadn't exchanged contact details, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. Not a single day went past without her somehow entering my thoughts. I desperately wanted to see her again, get to know her properly, become intimate with her, yet I lacked the courage to do anything about it. I wrote a very heartfelt letter to her, which remained under my pillow for several weeks before it ended up, ripped into tiny pieces, in the bin. To her I was a stranger, to me, she was amazing, yet somehow untouchable, unreachable, and I would never have had the courage to approach a woman in a romantic way, let alone such an apparently strong and confident one.

At the end of the semester, I was staying at my parents' place for a few days, visited where I used to volunteer, and by some miracle she was still there. I was over the moon. We met, unintentionally after work one day, my lift cancelled on me, so I was stuck in town wondering what to do and lo and behold she appeared, walking home. Upon the assumption that I was stranded and unable to get home, she told me I'd be welcome to have dinner at her place and I could kip in the spare bedroom. After months of fantacising about getting closer to her, this was the best thing that could have happened. The evening passed, we mostly ignored and talked our way through a film or two and the distance between us got less and less until I was sat, cuddled up against her on the sofa. I desperately wanted to kiss her, but was terrified of how she might react. I knew she'd had previous relationships with women, but still wasn't entirely sure she was that way inclined. She was older than me, and I was in her home, and I'd never, ever been in a situation like this with a woman before. To spare the details, I didn't sleep in the spare bedroom that night, and we have been together ever since. Odd though it may sound, I believe the fact she is trans made it easier for me to approach her, it somehow made the whole prospect of making the initial steps into a first lesbian relationship considerably less daunting for me. It's new territory for both of us, as she is my first girlfriend and ours is the first relationship she has been in, living openly as a woman.

We have now been together almost 11 months and I have never known anyone who understands me so well, thinks along the same wavelength, makes me laugh, shares her soul with me. I feel completely at ease with her and feel that I can truly be myself. For the first time, I've been able to discuss and figure out my sexuality and feel completely at ease and comfortable with myself. She has given me the courage to tell people I'm attracted to women, and I have a girlfriend. Initially this was terrifying for me, I was certain my friends would disown me, it would lead to awkward moments etc but I have been incredibly lucky not to have encountered a single negative reaction from my peer group.

My problem now, is that (and especially as we are planning to move in together when I return to England later this year) I somehow have to break it to my parents that their 'straight' and 'innocent' little girl is in love and in a serious relationship with a transwoman 34 years older than her. The age difference between us causes us no problems. Mentally, I am older than my age, and similarly she is a lot younger. We see each other and treat each other as equals, and although our close friends are supportive of our love for each other, sadly the same cannot be said for the vast majority of people in the street. I somehow don't envisage the news being greeted with smiles and welcoming open arms from my parents, to say the least.

I don't feel a particularly strong urge to label myself, but if I had to settle upon a choice for describing my sexuality, I would say I'm gay. Luckily my friends and people my age in general don't generally tend to have a problem with that. I somehow doubt the same could be said for a lot of my family. To be honest, I'm dreading telling them, but I know I have to. I can't go on for much longer living a lie to them. I'm fearing the worst and hoping it won't come to that. I love my girlfriend so much and am so incredibly lucky to have found her, whatever consequences our relationship might have...

At the time of writing, I'm 20, she's 54. I'm cis female, she's trans female. We are both human beings who love each other very much, and that, in my eyes at least, is all that should matter.

Thanks for all you have shown me, taught me and given me. You have let me realize my true identity and given me the confidence to start sharing it. You are a truly wonderful and magnificent woman and I love you to pieces. You know who you are :-) xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jemimajennie Jemimajennie
May 11, 2012