Lessons In Love

"Ah, lips that say one thing, while the heart thinks another," --
Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

I have been thinking about this quote all day and how it applies so
nicely to my life. (Like a million other quotes probably would as
well) But the last several weeks have had this topic on my mind. There
is a story, that I might tell in short form as it would take days to
write all out and explain, and for you to fully comprehend the
emotions from which I am writing now it is important to have some
history. It is scary though, acknowledging your emotions whether it be
publicly, to close friend or family member, or even to yourself; yet
it is necessary. Even more fearful is dealing with these emotions and
applying what you have learned in a healthy capacity.

For the last several years, there has been someone I have loved. Loved
in the all the ways you could love someone. Love that allowed me to
show someone my past without fear of judgement. Love that let that
person open their heart and mind to parts of them they didn't know
existed. It was something thrilling and frightening all at once, to be
able to love and be loved without any reservation. I was able to be
me, no pressure to be anything else but me and I was enough.

Distance plays a significant part of this. Not even the miles that can
be crossed by car, plane or train but miles of where you are in life's
path. One person with their sails to the wind and the other stuck at
the docks. (yup, I really just wrote that). It begs the question, do
you continue to love this person who may always be at the docks but
this goes against what you believe because you want them to be out at
sea. Or do you leave this person, who may need to be loved to have the
courage to set sail on their journey? I always said I would never go
back to that dock and I won't. For anyone. This is Lesson #1.

The Y factor. It was the thing I expected the least but detest the
most. It has nothing to do with envy, it has to do with compromising
yourself. Who are you and what you believe. Without those things, what
makes a man? Yet you have turned a blind eye to it and have chosen it.
Even worse, you cling to me. You have taken me with you this whole
time and expected me to fullfill this void in your life. Fair? Not at
all. Love and war are not so different. They both make people do
things they wouldn't do otherwise, you have enemies, and promises are
always broken. You can't be on my side and fight against me.
This is Lesson #2.

You have changed me. For better, for worse? You let me see that I am
capable of being vulnerable and letting someone have the chance to
understand me. I offered you love and it wasn't enough. I wasn't
enough. But love doesn't turn off over night. You think you have given
me freedom from your chains yet you cling to their ghosts when you see
me trying to walk ahead. My mother always warned that if it looked to
good to be true then it was. This is Lesson #3.
gayspartan gayspartan
26-30, M
1 Response May 15, 2012

so gay.