Considering Rolling Out Of The Closet

Where to start? When growing up I was pretty sure for the most part that I fancied girls. Boy, how I now realise how wrong I was. My first boy crush was around age twelve at a boy's rotary camp. I can't remember his name but he was deaf and mute and so cool it was amazing...I told myself it was just a fleeting boy crush and, so it was; I have had a good few crushes on a few girls since then and had a good few drunken nights with a few good girls.

Now here's the problem. I've always had a slight feeling that I swung both ways and until about a year ago I was happy with that (although in denial) as long as I liked girls more. I now am fully aware that I have very little to no interest in girls. Although I have never had anything even remotely sexual with another of the same sex I am pretty sure I'm gay.

About a month ago I lay awake the whole night crying and deep in thought about being gay and finally admitting it to myself. I've known a few people who are gay throughout my life and kinda enjoyed the idea of that but for the longest while the thought of gay sex or a dude kissing another dude kinda grossed me out. Now it doesn't bother me in the slightest as I realise that's what I want (not just the sex though).

I don't prance and dance around the place. I am mostly 'straight acting' as such except for the odd time when I get super hyper or something -- think Michael McIntyre. I shared a room with the guy a few years back for a few weekends and he was relatively straight to all appearances (although he did iron lol) but when he eventually came out he started acting very feminine and bitchy and thus fulfilling the gay stereotype. I don't want this to happen to me. If I were to come out I wouldn't want anyone to treat me any different. I enjoy doing all the stuff boys and men are suppose to enjoy -- beers, violent movies, rock music, football and all that kinda stuff. I have a soft side too of course but I enjoy everything masculine except that I like other guys.

Anyway, no one I know is particularly homophobic as far as I know. I just don't want to disappoint my parents and the like and can't think or a way to tell them. My dad and I have a relatively good relationship although he's not the most talkative person in the world and probably thinks I'm an idiot most of the time but I just don't want to face his disappointment. My mum might be alright with it but I can picture her crying a lot or something. My sisters I'm not sure how they would react.

To make all this worse I am, of course a CPer and part-time wheelchair user (and fully compos mentis ). I wonder if me being gay is the result of rejection from far too many girls...? I doubt it but still am not sure.

I'm extremely active, work part-time in a school and youth club (would like to be a youth worker in Criminal Justice I think), love exercising and am out socialising every single weekend but yet this whole thing has left me feeling a little alone which is ****. I'm considering telling my best mate but he is slightly autistic and can be quite camp at times -- this means he might think that either I'm coming onto him or that we should get together; I don't want this too happen as I don't find him attractive at all. I've tried blurting it out a few times while drunk but can only manage to whisper it under loud music...

This is ******* hard; why can't I just be 'straight'!?

I've considered telling other friends but again just can't do it...I just want my life to stay the way it is but find myself someone to love and share life with...Will I ever roll out of the closet..?
WolfWheels WolfWheels
22-25, M
1 Response May 16, 2012

When I finally told my sister, her reaction was more like "why are you telling me this?" I haven't told my parents and I won't for a long while. Being raised in a homophobic country like Northern Ireland means that I get to be 20 years old and never engaged in a real intimate relationship, until now since I moved to Scotland. I'm going to be a part of a relationship this summer and it's long overdue!<br />
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I hope everything goes well for you, but my advice would be to move. Far and fast.