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Jun 20th, 2008
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I
always felt like I was different. When all the other boys started noticing girls I was still playing my video games - I just didn't know what was so special about them.
As the time went on I realized that the ones I like aren't girls - but boys.
I though at first that it was just a phase, that perhaps every boy feels like that at one time. I even tried to get myself to like girls. All to no avail.
I admitted it to myself when I was 16. I knew about then that what I feel like can't be changed - that it's there to stay forever. And I got scared. In my country being gay is not only sin, if you're gay you're considered sub-human. No possible penance. I was once told that the only way to "heal" a homosexual is with a bullet through the head.
So that's why I'm hiding it. No one would understand. Not my family or people I go to school with. I dread what would happen if anyone found out.
Because I'm so scared I never acted on my feeling. There were boys I liked and like, but if they'd know how I feel, they would kill me. It's very frustrating knowing that someone you like not only not likes you back but would probably seriously harm you if he ever found out.
The other problem are my parents. I don't know how they would react. When they see gay people on TV they don't throw fits or say how immoral that is. My mother once said it's matter of choice. But what if they knew that their own son was...? They'd send me to a "professional" most likely.
I think they're beginning to doubt. I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. Although I'm not really attractive (quite the opposite) so people assume it's because of that. But then again, I seen equally ugly guys with girlfriends. And there's plenty of ugly girls too, so I don't know for how long I can keep this up.
It's just so hard not being able to be who you are in front of people, it's so hard measuring your every word, your every move so that you don't slip up.
If anyone knew my life would be over.
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  | Posted Jun 20th, 2008 at 5:28PM I am sorry you live in a place where you would be harmed just for bing you. If there is any possible way you can leave this place and came to somewhere where you will be accepted for who you are, I say go man go! And never look back. You should not live in the dark just because others will not like you if you come out. +5 nods   |
 | Posted Jul 9th, 2008 at 10:31PM I'm sure it seems impossible. When I was eighteen it seemed like life would end if anyone found out. Its been a few years now and a lot of my friends know but I'm still terrified. You should DEFINITELY try to get out of your environment and find a place where you can feel free to be yourself. It is much better that way. +3 nods |
 | Posted Aug 24th, 2008 at 1:00PM As ridiculous as it sounds, I think you should come to the US and live freely in a large city. I once dated a woman who was Palestinian and the threat was very real that if her father found out about us, he would kill her and quite possibly, me. I don't know where you live, but you know if the threat is real. People get stoned for being gay, and it's nothing to take lightly. You deserve love and the freedom to love, love should never be life-threatening. Think about coming here (or somewhere else where being gay isn't punishable by death.) Best wishes to you! +4 nods |
 | Posted Sep 14th, 2008 at 12:40PM Dendrite put it very nicely and since i really don;t know what it's like i can't offer much except for best wishes and may fortune smile upon you. I just wish we as a society were a bit more tolerant and understanding. |
 Feeling peaceful | Posted Oct 1st, 2008 at 10:27AM Ahh, my dear...I wish people could just be tolerant and understanding. You are born gay. . Most times it's not a choice. It's like being born black, or white, or gay or straight, or male or female, etc. You need a lot of support right now, and i definately know you have it here and online. and sometimes that's all you need. You're still young. You seem like a very grounded and level-headed guy. and as long as you know there is nothing wrong with you, that's all that matters. the people who truly love you, with love you no matter what. you cannot go living your life as a lie. honestly, you're gay WHO CARES...I know it's so easy to say, and itr frustrates me every day i am alive. i, myself, was born a heterosexual female, so i can never put myself in that position... yet, i know there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. . and i hope one day in the near future , we look back in disgust at how we treat gay and lesbian people like we treated black slaves, jews, etc......... You have all my support......Even though we don't know each other, i hope that means something.....Because i feel very passionately about this, as i just had a 55 yr old uncle (who was married with children and grandchildren) who just suddenly died and we found out he was secretly gay. And it just tears me to bits inside knowing we live in a society where people have to hide this and feel ashamed of who they are. Please, message me or add me to your circle if you EVER feel like talking about it, or just having some support.... Good luck. BV. x. +2 nods |
 | Posted Oct 9th, 2008 at 7:47PM hun i really feel u. i mean not EVERYONE hates me but i know what it feels like for u to be like.whoa.... i mean ah. it usta be me. i was always like. wow. dude that guy looks so cool i wish i looked like him.. when really ...i just wanted to be on him. so its a real predicament. but i think if u moved to a place where people where ok with it i mean, its hard... but ...no one should live with a big secret like that its pretty much like puting a bullet in ur knee every day. it hurts and im sorry you have to go through with this. |
| Posted Dec 10th, 2008 at 8:52AM hey dude... i just joined this thing and urs is the first post i'm ever reading. and i feel EXACTLY LIKE U. it's almost as if i was reading my life... but i didnt write the post! my goodness... i guess i can't help u there... cuz im in exactly the same situation as u are. anyway whatever religion u belong to just keep praying ok? i know its so damn frustrating but i still do it... it might help :) +2 nods |
 Feeling alive | Posted Jan 12th, 2009 at 3:41PM This is your life! Others have given good advice, I can only offer my luck and prayers tou you for your future! |
 | Posted Jan 14th, 2009 at 9:21PM i think to be you happiest youll have to come out one day. |
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