I'm a Closet Case
Posted June 20th, 2008 at 5:08PM
I always felt like I was different. When all the other boys started noticing girls I was still playing my video games - I just didn't know what was so special about them.
As the time went on I realized that the ones I like aren't girls - but boys.
I though at first that it was just a phase, that perhaps every boy feels like that at one time. I even tried to get myself to like girls. All to no avail.
I admitted it to myself when I was 16. I knew about then that what I feel like can't be changed - that it's there to stay forever. And I got scared. In my country being gay is not only sin, if you're gay you're considered sub-human. No possible penance. I was once told that the only way to "heal" a homosexual is with a bullet through the head.
So that's why I'm hiding it. No one would understand. Not my family or people I go to school with. I dread what would happen if anyone found out.
Because I'm so scared I never acted on my feeling. There were boys I liked and like, but if they'd know how I feel, they would kill me. It's very frustrating knowing that someone you like not only not likes you back but would probably seriously harm you if he ever found out.
The other problem are my parents. I don't know how they would react. When they see gay people on TV they don't throw fits or say how immoral that is. My mother once said it's matter of choice. But what if they knew that their own son was...? They'd send me to a "professional" most likely.
I think they're beginning to doubt. I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. Although I'm not really attractive (quite the opposite) so people assume it's because of that. But then again, I seen equally ugly guys with girlfriends. And there's plenty of ugly girls too, so I don't know for how long I can keep this up.
It's just so hard not being able to be who you are in front of people, it's so hard measuring your every word, your every move so that you don't slip up.
If anyone knew my life would be over.
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I am sorry you live in a place where you would be harmed just for being you. If there is any possible way you can leave this place and went somewhere where you will be accepted for who you are, I say go man go! And never look back. You should not live in the dark just because others will not like you if you come out.
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I'm sure it seems impossible. When I was eighteen it seemed like life would end if anyone found out. Its been a few years now and a lot of my friends know but I'm still terrified. You should DEFINITELY try to get out of your environment and find a place where you can feel free to be yourself. It is much better that way.
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As ridiculous as it sounds, I think you should come to the US and live freely in a large city. I once dated a woman who was Palestinian and the threat was very real that if her father found out about us, he would kill her and quite possibly, me. I don't know where you live, but you know if the threat is real. People get stoned for being gay, and it's nothing to take lightly. You deserve love and the freedom to love, love should never be life-threatening. Think about coming here (or somewhere else where being gay isn't punishable by death.) Best wishes to you!
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Dendrite put it very nicely and since i really don;t know what it's like i can't offer much except for best wishes and may fortune smile upon you.
I just wish we as a society were a bit more tolerant and understanding. -
hun i really feel u. i mean not EVERYONE hates me but i know what it feels like for u to be like.whoa.... i mean ah. it usta be me. i was always like. wow. dude that guy looks so cool i wish i looked like him.. when really ...i just wanted to be on him. so its a real predicament. but i think if u moved to a place where people where ok with it i mean, its hard... but ...no one should live with a big secret like that its pretty much like puting a bullet in ur knee every day. it hurts and im sorry you have to go through with this.
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hey dude... i just joined this thing and urs is the first post i'm ever reading. and i feel EXACTLY LIKE U. it's almost as if i was reading my life... but i didnt write the post! my goodness... i guess i can't help u there... cuz im in exactly the same situation as u are. anyway whatever religion u belong to just keep praying ok? i know its so damn frustrating but i still do it... it might help :)
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This is your life! Others have given good advice,
I can only offer my luck and prayers tou you for your future! -
i think to be you happiest youll have to come out one day.
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I encourage you to ask God to help you- I dont believe that people are born gay. I think it's a choice- and just like all humans struggle in different areas with sin- I think you should fight harder against these homosexual thoughts ands feelings- because you do have a choice.
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sadly this type of comment if far from helpful nor practical. Please research how comments like yours encourage young GLBT adults to commit suicide. And do you really think people sit down and decide on a life where they are bullied by ignorant people? I is no more of a choice than skin color. -
I know this an old post but I must speak on it. You are born gay. I've known I was gay since I was 5 years old. People always say it's a choice. If you choose to act upon then that's on you. Did you choose to be straight? Noooo...you were born that way. Idiots!!!3 more replies -
I agree with Mercy88. I fight sins too...sins that almost seem as if I were born with them em
bedded in me. Often I fail to fight them off. But everybody has a CHOICE. If you choose to be gay, then that's your decision. But I also wish you would consider choosing NOT to be gay.
That's my opinion...I'm no scientist and I don't know all the arguments for and against the idea of homosexuality being something people are born with. I've realized lately that I've always believed the way I've been taught without considering other people's views, and I want to change that at least to some degree...so please don't be offended...I'm just saying what I think, and I like hearing what other people think as well. -
Hi feather in the wind,, I would urge you to also consider the issues I have raised above then maybe contact the "It Gets Better" campaign. Believing people make this as a conscious thought process is no more than uneducated ignorance and people who tell people who are already struggling with their orientation are often pushed over the edge. So sad. I wish you well.
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A lot of religious people will deny that and claim that it's a choice. Wrong. Science has proved that it's genetic since they found seals in the Antarctic that were gay.
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Look people this guy has issues that don't need to be complicated by shame-based comments (religion). Look dude, feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. No doubt it took some courage to post your story. Good job for reaching out. It sounds scary where you are, so stay safe & take care of yourself. Keep reaching out and be true to yourself. Know that you are not alone. Hopefully things will get better on your journey through life.......
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Wow, I don't know anyone who is gay so I have no idea what gay people have to suffer through. My heart breaks for you.
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I say hide no more. It's not good for your emotional state. I have a gay son and believe me, as a parent I knew he was gay even before he came out. I have accepted his life style 100%. I know it will be hard, but you will be better off knowing where you stand with others than hiding out in fear. Yes there will be people who will bash you and make your life hard,but it is better to be true to yourself. If you live in fear then they have defeated you. Stand up for yourself and admit who you are no matter the consequences. I wish you love and support young man.
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DUDE WHAT IS THE VERDICT? FIRST AND FORMOST YOU ARE YOU ,LOVE YOU. HOW DO YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO ACCEPT YOU IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT YOURSELF. THERE IS ONLY ONE CREATOR AND HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.. YOUR BIGGEST FEAR IS WHAT WILL EVERYBODY SAY ?, WHAT WILL THEY DO ?, HOW WILL THEY ACT? NOBODY CAN JUDGE ANYBODY. THE GUY UPSTAIRS DETERMINES WHERE WE WILL SPEND ETERNAL LIFE. I BELEIVE IN GOD THE FATHER, GOD THE SON AND GOD THE HOLY GHOST AND I GET THROUGH IT ALL BY FAITH. TRUST ME YOU WILL BE FINE. YOU WERE PUT HERE FOR A REASON, DO NOT LET ANYONE DISCOURAGE YOU. YOU ARE UNIQUE..........
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I don't know if you'd like anything I would have to say on the subject. People rarely do. ;)
(I live in America so I can't relate to the whole "kill you" thing.) But I'm 19 and homosexuality is something that I dealt with a LOT. I'm not claiming to have all the answers, I don't even have a ton of them. But my personal experience has been that homosexuality is not a defining trait of who you are like gender, ethnic background or anything like that. People like to label it as an "orientation" which is just crazy. I used to hide behind the label fat. I was morbidly obese and I thought that was "who I was" if just because my whole family was that way. It was in the genes, and I was stuck. That is the SAME labeling people apply when someone thinks that being gay is who they are. Once I realized the truth behind these things (that they are NOT who you are) change has been possible on both fronts. (I've lost a 175 bls and now I'm pretty healthy.) I'm just using weight as an illustration. It's easy to look at yourself and think "I was born this way there is nothing I can do" but if you ask yourself that question it usually means that, even though things feel good (like eating poorly or looking at gay ****) you see other people who are in a better place (or are "normal") and envy them. Homosexuality is a behavior (like drugs or ***********) it is NOT a person. I remember how confusing everything was and how much time I spent feeding all the anxious thoughts in my head. Life's just not supposed to be that way. I totally agree with mercy88 because I've LIVED that. :) You're not gay, you're a human being! :D Dearly loved by God no matter what you think you are or what you do. But there is a lot of happiness to be found in freedom. (I would NOT write about this if I didn't seriously know it to be true. I always hated people who didn't understand telling me what to do.) I don't know you or who you are but I know what it is like and I would strongly encourage you to SEEK the answers for yourself. It's hard to suggest a lot of resources because I found so many to be harmful over long periods of time. But I think a safe place to start would be www.livehope.org . It's a good place to hear from other people who share some same experiences. :) -
on the science side of this long email post -_- -- - - I'd love to see some references to such ridiculous claims. I think our society has a very harmful view of this. If you google search it you'll find scientific "evidence" on both fronts.
I found a study done in the 70s about the hypothalumus of the human brain being smaller in homosexual men.. well that fell through because the men used in the study all died of HIV -_-.
THEN I found a christian study saying that the average lifespan of a homosexual male is 35 (I think it is in the 40s but there is no way to really know) but you don't KNOW that that is true.
We live in a day and age where people can say whatever they want and have REAL statistics and REAL evidence to back it up. It is all in how you present something that determines what it is evidence for. "Science" has both social and political biases on all fronts. On this topic though I would REALLY encourage you to do some looking instead of just believing what so and so got from such and such (even with me). Or just from people saying things like "science proves this or science proves that". You can use science to prove whatever you like to a certain extent. I'll try to do the same.
The truth is you can argue either side quite well if you know how (for instance I love to debate macro evolution because I find it to be filled with more falsehood than even the church of the spagetti monster.)
You need to get some books though because the web is pretty empty of anything REAL in terms of "evidence".
However I would recommend the following:
http://americansfortruth.com/news/stephen-bennett-rebuts-alan-chambers-sorry-exodus-homosexuals-can-completely-change.html
http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/homosexuality/A000001542.cfm
http://books.google.com/books?id=9glOXO60Ij0C&pg=PA133&lpg=PA133&dq=exodus+scientific+evidence+on+homosexuality&source=bl&ots=AWLL24fKuq&sig=F__ZzULvsXmxrsy2vM9Y8Zio8o0&hl=en&ei=y0i-ScqHFoS2nQeDzJGnBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=10&ct=result#PPA136,M1
http://www.conservapedia.com/Homosexuality
I post this for you but also the other people who are talking it up on here. People need to look into things themselves instead of just believing what they hear. (that is dangerous).
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
(From everything you might read... whatever you do, if you decide to go looking into this, do NOT stay long term in an "ex-gay" group -_- that just isn't healthy. It's a good place to visit to get insight and ideas... but don't stay there forever.)
Women who don't have experience in this issue drive me CRAZY!! (always have) -_-
In regards to "animals and science" I've found a lot of helpful info
some of it is
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,20571062-5005961,00.html - Oslo museum
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-Human_Animal_Sexuality#Sheep - sheep, brain study, 8 %
http://mygenes.co.nz/rams.htm - sheep, 10%, flawed study
http://scottthong.wordpress.com/2007/10/02/roy-silo-why-gay-penguins-are-not-a-good-example-for-homosexuality/ - Roy and Silo book
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/02/07/MNG3N4RAV41.DTL - Roy and Silo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naturalistic_fallacy - naturalistic fallacy
but if that doesn't have enough I'll post an article on my own page later. -
I STRONGLY think you need to take your POS postings somewhere else instead of lying on here. and making this poor guy feel even more bad, YOU are the type of people who make homosexuals KILL themselves. .. on a positive not im praying for you, praying that god will one day open your small closed minded brain! -
To reply to this would take so long as a lot has changed in 3-4 years. I think I will just observe these things for the time being as the individual who posted this story has likely moved on by now.
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BettyValentine as someone who has dealt with homosexuality I need to inquire,
how dare you say what someone can and cannot change? What is good and healthy is debatable- and people have the right to make their own choices for or against it. Whether they chose to be "gay" or not. Or whether they decide it is right or wrong. We all have our own moral compass (most of us anyways). I find your opinion even more obnoxious than the "repent and change" posts!
Even though they are usually very ignorant they at least leave the option to choice. You cripple people with your sheer opinion and lack of insight. mercy88 and queenofdreamers offered their insight with the disclaimer of lack of experience... you seem pretty sure of yourself, yet your words feel hallow.
There is nothing wrong with contrasting ethics. It is the only thing that works effectively against immorality. If you cannot even hear the thought that something you're doing is wrong, then it usually is. If we cannot be bold in talking about what is right or wrong how can we ever define it?! How can we take a stand at injustice if we aren't open to new ideas?
Your stereotypical, politically correct, closed-minded, and (frankly) blind view of life is the closest thing to intolerable and offensive that I've read on here. It not only harms the individual but completely introverts him or her to themselves without seeing the effects on others. (What a selfish way to live!)
To say whether or not someone SHOULD partake in homosexuality is OPINION but to say whether or not that a person can CHOSE to not partake is crippling and ignorant to a point of frustration. It victimizes someone to a life of fear, secrecy and restraint, all the while proclaiming a righteousness that is false!
If there is fear in exposing, if there is shame in "being", if there is lament in settling, if there is a desire for "normalicy" then why should anyone be "forced" to embrace it?! Everyone has a choice to make whether they chose one lifestyle or another; but change is possible, I've lived it. -
Very well thought out and expressed; thank you for reaching out to this person's pain and fear. god bless
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To reply to this would take so long as a lot has changed in 3-4 years. I think I will just observe these things for the time being as the individual who posted this story has likely moved on by now.
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hey there....welll im sorry to hear tht you cant be yourself around the people you know...i seriously wish that people would just be able to accept tht all people are not the same... that maybe some people are different and thats not a bad thing...
i was also wondering if there is a place whereyou can go to be yourself..go for it...
well you know if you need a friend im here you know just add me and you can count on me to listen and be there through this website for you...=] -
This is why I love EP! It totally encourages people to be who they truly are and not to be afraid of that. If more of us lived the truths we live online, the world would be a better place.
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I'm not gay, I am a bi-sexual. I know that's not what you are discussing. But I have to live a secret life so people don't find out what I am or who I am. I have had so many bad experiences with women that I now prefer sex with men also. I had years of experiences with all kinds of women. This I know from experience that you don't get something for nothing. A sex affair with women is demanding. So having other men is a whole lot easier for me to deal with. I know from experience.
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It's horrible that there are places in the world like that...
I say you should start saving money right now. Everything you get you should put away. Then, once you have enough, go, and don't look back. It'll be hard to live in a new place, but it's got to be better than being scared for your life.
But I'm not an expert on this by any means, so take my advice with a grain of salt. -
I know it is very difficult to accept that your gay,once you accept who and what you are,then you should live your life as you,not pretending to be straight so as not be be different from others.I know its more difficult for someone that is gay in some countries,and it has to be hidden,as for your parents tell them,you are their son and they should(after time)accept you for who and what you are,and love you still the same.It dont always happen like this.Comeing out should be the best thing for you to do,you will perhaps loose friends,if they are your true friends they should accept it.
I wish you good luck now are for the future -
If it's dangerous for you to be there then as mentioned; you need to move. If you fake being straight your girlfriend or future wife could figure it out and out you and then you'll be in danger. Living in the closet is no fun. People tend to regret it later; not all; but many closet case people who pick the hetero lifestyle make lousy emotionally distant husbands and look back on their life with regret. The best thing to do is get out of there as fast as possible. Wherever you are your English is very good, so I'd advise a trade, such as massage school or plumbing and then you'll have good solid work to do in a city while getting higher education. You'll end up feeling very liberated when you can tell people you are gay freely, and you can put everything else behind you.
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Terrios:
You claim to have dealt "firsthand" with homosexuality, but you have made clear throughout your three posts that you have absolutely NO grasp on it, whatsoever.
First of all, you clearly aren't a homosexual, so how can you even possibly assume that homosexuality is a choice? If you HAVE dealt firsthand with homosexuality as you claim, then you would know that many homosexuals, such as myself, have been this way as long as they can remember and did not ASK nor CHOOSE to feel sexually attracted to men.
You then analogize sexuality with WEIGHT which is just utterly and astoundingly moronic. Weight is something you can change, just lift a couple weights and boom, you're done. Unfortunately, very much contrary to your beliefs, homosexuality is not, was never, and will never be a choice. Homosexuality isn't something you can get rid of with some bullshit "therapy," it's not a ******* disorder that you can go to some support group to cure, it's a preexisting condition that DEFINES who somebody is, yes, and cannot be changed. By telling somebody that they can just willingly "change it" is just encouraging them to go deeper into a closet and live an unhappy, unfulfilled life. And I find it quite ironic how you mention that "there is a lot of happiness in freedom" and yet you are clearly preventing him from finding it.
Also, you accuse BV of being "close-minded" and having a "blind view of life" which is just so deliciously ironic, because 5 of the links you posted are openly biased against homosexuality. Your "scientific evidence" against homosexuality are, funnily enough, on websites run by a bunch of close-minded, pseudo-"scientific" neocons, and yet you mention in the previous paragraph how science has "social and political biases." The truth is, science doesn't have any political or social bias, rather, one's political and social views are the offshoot. For example, evolutionists, who live by science, are more likely to be liberal. YOU believe it's biased because most things science has proven goes against what you believe in.
How about this: if you really want an INFORMED view on homosexuality, try looking at both sides instead of listening all the time to your bullshit neocon media, because quite clearly you have never heard a homosexual's side of the story. -
"You can use science to prove whatever you like to a certain extent."
No, that would be called "twisting the facts." Presenting concrete evidence to prove something and twisting words and facts are two completely different things. Or, it could mean that there is not sufficient evidence to prove what you are trying to prove. If you were to use scientific evidence to prove two opposing ideas, that would mean that there is not sufficient evidence to call either of the two fact. Actual, CONCRETE evidence can only prove ONE idea. -
Omg im going through the something. ill be 18 next month. ive never had a girlfriend and i also tried to like girls but its not working. like my mom... i just cant explain but i know exactly what you mean when you say you have to hide your true self in front of your friends, what will it be like if they find out. the thing that got me the most was when you said measuring every word, every move so that you don't slip up. If anyone knew my life would be over. i can relate to almost everything your going through
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I am not gay and I don't know what life is like to be gay or how it feels to be gay. I do respect people for whatever they are (as long as they are not harming the lives of others)
What's important is that you have to be happy and comfortable with the choices you made for yourself. -
PRAY!! to turn from this bad lifestyle. Just because someone is born with a bad heart, it doesn't mean it can't be fixed! Just because you have those feelings, doesn't mean they can't be changed!
I'll keep you in my prayers! -
Ha! A bad heart!!!? ******* for real? Being gay has nothing to do with evil. I am gay and I am a totally normal human being I go to work ,I pay my taxes, I support local fund raisers, and I drink goats blood and dance naked around a fire.. You made me puke a little 'godblessoursoldiers' guess what I am roman catholic and attended a catholic school my entire young life. I believe God makes no mistakes so I must not be one of them and neither are you Saigo. Good luck and remember you have just as much right to enjoy life as anyone!
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