I'm a Closet Case

I always felt like I was different. When all the other boys started noticing girls I was still playing my video games - I just didn't know what was so special about them.

As the time went on I realized that the ones I like aren't girls - but boys.

I though at first that it was just a phase, that perhaps every boy feels like that at one time. I even tried to get myself to like girls. All to no avail.

I admitted it to myself when I was 16. I knew about then that what I feel like can't be changed - that it's there to stay forever. And I got scared. In my country being gay is not only sin, if you're gay you're considered sub-human. No possible penance. I was once told that the only way to "heal" a homosexual is with a bullet through the head.

So that's why I'm hiding it. No one would understand. Not my family or people I go to school with. I dread what would happen if anyone found out.

Because I'm so scared I never acted on my feeling. There were boys I liked and like, but if they'd know how I feel, they would kill me. It's very frustrating knowing that someone you like not only not likes you back but would probably seriously harm you if he ever found out.

The other problem are my parents. I don't know how they would react. When they see gay people on TV they don't throw fits or  say how immoral that is. My mother once said it's matter of choice. But what if they knew that their own son was...? They'd send me to a "professional" most likely.

I think they're beginning to doubt. I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. Although I'm not really attractive (quite the opposite) so people assume it's because of that. But then again, I seen equally ugly guys with girlfriends. And there's plenty of ugly girls too, so I don't know for how long I can keep this up.

It's just so hard not being able to be who you are in front of people, it's so hard measuring your every word, your every move so that you don't slip up.

If anyone knew my life would be over. 

Saigo Saigo
18-21, M
91 Responses Jun 20, 2008

Wow, So sad. Being gay is the best thing I could imagine and I have been so happy for so many years and enjoyed so very many people intimately after freeing myself from all the hetero hate and all the hetero mythology of only one person to love and horrendous hetero god stories and all their formulaic hetero romantic **** --which is really based on and totally to sugarcoat and to support two economic social concerns: paternity and property rights. Those are actually the basis for all of marriage and for most of the religious strictures and taboos that have been developed over thousands of years to support them. The male human wants to have lots of and naturally enjoys sex, lots of sex with lots of partners and really doesn't need too much of all the other garbage unless he's been brainwashed and made to feel inferior or bad or criminal or dirty or evil or whatever the haters and ignorant try to call us. All BS! Sex is great, ***** are fantastic and delicious and the more you do it without strings attached and the more guys you enjoy the greater life is! Don't use sex to try to control others or to "marry" them or to make them do what you want --No guilt trips or power plays!! Just enjoy sex for the hot, sensuous and great release and experience it is --especially with other men and their incredible *****! I have so many great and special friends and we are so sexy and intimate, sometimes several times in a single day and sometimes in groups of us all naked and sexing with each other, everybody trying to achieve ******* and give ******* to others. I love to enjoy several ***** all at once like bukkake (google it!) Wow, being in close, physical contact with men's bodies, serving and servicing each other, and being inside their bodies and having them inside me and sharing our really magical essence and juice is the most thrilling and hot and exciting and pleasurable times I have ever had, ever experienced and ever imagined. It is actually so fantastic that society, the church, women, all the "ruling" forces are afraid of just how consuming and thrilling it is! Way beyond anything they can offer to make you do what they want and better than any food, money, entertainment, anything! Give me a man and his **** and his juice or several and I am totally fulfilled (in the real way) and totally happy! And once you've been so intimate and had so much sex with guys you have a real special, incredible bond and can do all kinds of things together in the times between having sex if there is any! LOL

I'm a Christian, but man...I hate that you are being so marginalized in your own country over this. That you're afraid for your life.

I don't know you, but I do know this: You only get 1 life & if you want to live yours in any semblance of happiness you need to move elsewhere, the US would be a good choice.

At least look into it, you could tell your parents through a letter or phone call...may seem impersonal but given the reception of gay people where you live, I think they'll understand.

As to religion comments? I'll add one, God bless you & God speed towards a place where you can live your life & be happy🙂

well I'm straight the way I see it everyone deserves to feel happy if this is it then fair play I have nothing against anyone's belief no matter who they are as long as they are not mental physical harming or stuffing religion of any kind down a persons throat

Tbh Idc if your gay or not like what do you want ? A medal ???

Keep it on the DL and enjoy until you can be your own person.

I hope you have found peace. I felt the exact same way when I was younger, kept wanting to like girls, dated, even got married. Still liked/like boys men. I felt along, scared, isolated no where to turn.
It's not a choice. we are made this way. One don't want to be gay. You don't. I would bet 95+% off gays would rather be normal

"If anyone knew my life would be over"
Just like me. We're the same my friend, but this story was written years ago, so I think you're life changed today.

Its like you have written my life, word to word. I always wanted to meet someone like you, but, in my country, people are so scared they'll never come out. Can we be friends? :)

Leave your country. At least for a few years. You have to. Don't imagine that love and success will come easily somewhere else, but at least you have the same start as other gay guys instead of not even being allowed to run in the race.
Don't put your safety at risk in your own country.

A legitimate professional would not even consider homosexuality to be a form of mental illness; in fact, it's the opposite. The big book of psychological disorders doesn't even mention homosexuality. Therefore, the only 'professional' you would have to worry about is a pastor - which is still a major threat - but it's important to note that a real doctor would never think of telling you that there is something wrong with you.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Absolutely none. The stigma carried by homosexuals in this country is not their fault but the fault of the religious conservatives who fail to acknowledge their legitimacy. I realize that openness may be scary; but would coming out be worse than a life lived in the closet? I am still in the closet with my family, so believe me, I understand that it's suffocating and beyond awful. One day, though - probably after college - I'm going to tell them, and if they have an opinion I will quote Jesus - "He who is without sin, cast the first stone."

In the end, it is YOUR life. You can't let other people decide what you do with it if you want to be any kind of happy.

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, and I do not know what I would do myself If I found myself there, but know that you are Perfectly beautiful just the way you are! I hope forever that you will be able to one day live a life where you can be who you were created to be, remember that there are people out there that will love you no matter who or what you are. Someday the world will change and be tollerent of people like us... but until then, hang in there. You are not alone.

Just read a great book called Kaz by Karldon Okruta that I downloaded from Amazon.com and I think you and others in the closet would really enjoy it. The main character, like many of us, also struggles with his newly recognized sexuality. Really good story for sure!

I do not agree with homosexuality because it blocks a person from intimacy with God. As long as you think in your flesh I am wrong for this and you ignore it then nine time out of ten you will also ignore God and His voice to you. You will also pretend as if He is okay and as if He does not see or hear and that comes from issues youhave in your life that you do not think that God hears or sees. You may not even feel or think you need a God but He is there. So, in my heart anything that causes you to seperate from intimacy with God is a sin. even if it is something as simply as not paying a bill you knew you should have paid. There is now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus. There is just not. You do not live in Him so hey do what you want and pay for it later like everybody else. Best of luck to ya.

shut....the **** up :)

My cousin came out about six years ago at the age of 34. She's living a happy life with a lady who seems to love her very much. I can tell you that, as children, her and I spent a lot of time together. She seemed to struggle with her identity as far back as I can remember. I'm pretty sure everyone in our family knew, but nobody really talked about it. I can tell you that we all love her no matter who she's with, and her mother and father support her 100%. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for my cousin to finally tell the world. Perhaps we, her family, were wrong in not approaching her and telling her we love her and it her choice doesn't matter? I guess I'm saying that perhaps your parents already know or have a good feeling, and their just as afraid as you of broaching the subject. Its probably true that my cousin wasted too many years denying herself of a more peaceful life, but we live in the United States where its widely accepted.

Hey =) , in which country do you live? you gave me an image of iran, Iraq or Afghanistan, cuz their like kinda what you said : Your Gay, Your Dead. (I'm Not a Hater, i promise) =)

Saigo, I hope with all my heart that you will be able to escape the situation you're in and soon, and be able to live as the person you are, the person God created you to be. I knew I was gay from the time I was in grade school. Someone on here said that homosexuality is abnormal and that children shouldn't hear about it. Well, living in a small town and being 60+ years old now, I sure didn't hear about any other gay people when I was a child but it sure didn't stop me from being gay because that's how God made me to be, for whatever reason, just as He made me to be left-handed instead of right-handed for whatever reason. I lived in the closet until I was 27 years old. The closet was slowly killing me, and what a painful, tormented death it was. There wasn't any such thing as antidepressants then either. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer and I slammed the closet door open with a bang. There have been consequences to pay from time to time for coming out, especially as I did, but it will just have to be that way because, even if I could go back in, I couldn't stand to live a closeted, double life again. A lot of people may not like who I am but at least I'm living free, as much as is possible under the circumstances, and I don't have to keep quiet now when I hear them talking garbage about gay people.<br />
I would never tell anyone, especially someone in your situation, to come out. Each person has to decide that for themselves, but you just try to hang in there until you can leave whatever country you're in now. As for going to the United States, that so called land of freedom and liberty and justice for all, which is where I live, I would only recommed that as a last resort. There are other countries were gay people are treated better and have more rights than in the USA, coutries where one group's religious beliefs don't try to control everybody else. If I were to pick another country, Canada would be my first choice.<br />
But until you can leave, maybe you could find a gay woman who's in the same situation you are who would be willing to pretend to be your girlfriend. Back when it was a lot worse here than it is now, a lot of gay people did that and some still do.<br />
Anyway, I wish you the very best. And always remember, God loves you just as much as He loves His heterosexual children. And Jesus saves us gay people, just the same as He does anybody else, not because of our sexuality but by believing and accepting Him as our Savior. Blessings and good luck to you.

I wish I would have said that toochay!!!

i live ur case and even more for iam muslim and i am sure i wont go with a man or speak with i told my parents i wont marry they ignored it and are thinking iam stupid and live in fantasy world no one knows i am gay and i try to convince them i am asexual and feel nothing towrds no one i think this life is not for me maybe the after life

You are Beautiful, and you are perfect! You have indicated that your mom feels different then the norm that you see around you. Be tactful for your own safety, but I thing you should first try to find an in with your mom. I think it is horrific that countries/ideologies condemn homosexuality. It is a threat to know one and in this day and age has no bearing on the population of the planet, so what on earth, should it matter? But I suggest your mom, as you have said, she appears to be sympathetic find out how sympathetic she is and if she is open enough, go there. She is your best alie if she is a real mom, as real moms what their children to be happy no matter what they do or are in life!

You sound like a great guy, and I'm so sorry you would be treated that way. If you new someone to talk to, I'm here, and you can be you in front of me

Work hard get a good job and come to the first world (US/northern Europe) If your countries in the EU you should move ASAP.

Sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what's it's like living in a country like that. I have all the rest of the conditions (I'm in the closet too) including religion, family, society but just not the country.<br />
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I hope you find your way.

People who hate want to encourage control, so do people that hate Gays. Remember they are less than you. You are above that petty gospel of hate, they want to promote Be proud inside. Your Gayness is invisible. You have to hide your gayness, don't hide your love, if you are kind and loving with others that shows you reject Hate dogma that is ba<x>sed on projecting primal fear.A dark room will always look dark until the light is switched on.When you choose by an act of spiritual will to promote kindness then those loving will be attracted to you, and want to be around you. It might not give you the type of person you need However,Remember hate givers want to isolate don't get alone that is what what they want. Try and buy a computer to stop you I suggest you find a prayer group that prays for the sick don't feel" Prison Bound " Togetherness is strength.

I wish there was something I could do to help you get over that fear. Convince your family and everyone you know that your sexual orientation doesn't define you and its not a bad thing. You like boys, your not an alien, you are gay, your not a disgrace. YOU are HUMAN, not an abomination. And this might not help, but you are not alone. I came out to the people I trusted and they were so understanding that it scared me. My aunt, best friend, friends, family. The only person who had a prob with is was mom and she is actually ok with it now. Yeah she doesn't like it but its not like I chose it. I am still her daughter and that will never change simply b/c I happen to like both girls and boys. <br />
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Remember that, you are who you are and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I would suggest, for safety and peace of mind, that you wait till you have your own home and can be on your own to come out. That way you won't have to depend on anyone for anything if they decide to "disown" you for being who you are.

Wow, lol. My family and comminity is exactly like yours. But everything in life isn't perfect. -.- the wheel of suffering never ends until you do. Just remember kiddo, you being gay isn't a bad thing.

My heart goes out to you. Ive known gays and a lot of them were in sheer hell. Im a Christian and despite what people may say or think about Christians a true one doesn't hate people no matter what their struggles because as God knows Ive had my own and I believe we all do of one sort or another. What I do believe is that sometimes things pass down through the family ( which they may have hidden also) I dont believe that having certain feelings automatically make them right or good. A child molester has feelings towards children but that doesnt make them right or normal just because he has those feelings. I do believe in good and evil and have experienced both in my life in a very very real way and I believe evil is at work in our world trying to destroy us and God is reaching out wanting to help us. A verse in the Bible that has literally changed my life is "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Although I dont know where it is offhand) I used to have suicidal thoughts (my mom also took her life) I felt very rejected, fearful and had so many negative self defeating thoughts but then God began to show me my mind and thoughtlife were a mess so I began to reprogram my mind to think differently and low and behold my feelings began to change also. The Bible also talks about strongholds which God showed me was bondage in our thinking. Just as a person becomes bound by drugs alcohol etc. people can be deceived by evil even at an early age to believe lies and the longer they think on the lies the stronger the lies become ingrained in their thinking. People become bound by all kinds of lies. Their ugly, their worthless, their hopeless etc. All lies even though the feelings make them feel very true. Another verse says, "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" and as I began to change the lies I believed about myself to the truth I found my feelings changing and then my behavior. Everything starts with a thought. I know it works. Some of the strongholds I dealt with in my own life were very powerful because I had believed the lies since my childhood and it was a fight! But Gods word was more powerful and the more I spoke the truth about myself the day came when the lie came crashing down and I was free. Love and hugs my brother

Not to sound judgmental, but how can a guy look at an elegant, sophisticated, beautiful, and smart/creative woman and not like what he sees?

Being gay doesn't mean he dislikes women or looking at women, it just means he doesn't want to have sex with them.

I come from exactly the same sort of background hence my keeping it secret and also denying it too myself for so long , I have the why,s and the why,s over and over in my head and I have looked at all places for awnsers, but everytime I just seem to get an awnser that does not ring true to my heart....most people religions and beliefs are against it, whether completely are just in the fact that they dont understand it, if I were to be "found" out all hell whould brake loose,and I whould have to go for councelling , exorcism , prayer and whatever thought might cross your mind.....people say that its a concious choice, one that you make ........cause you like the lifestyle, ill tell you what , that utter bullshit, I never chose this and no matter how hard I tried to lead the "straight" life, its not who i am. I have not given up on getting the awnser to why, cause deep in my heart I know that there is a place out there somewhere for me, and a reason for beiing what I am.......

I also think that all these dumbass scientifically WRONG people on here saying gay is a choice are full of **** and should research studies of the difference between the gay mind and a straight mind, im personally not gay but i think you people who say things like choice are all so damn stuck up and stupid! and yes i mean YOU featherinthewind and YOU Mercy88! try to live in these peoples shoes for a year youd end up killing yourself!

Dude come to the US come out to everyone, most people dont give two ***** and youd find a boyfriend instantly! live your life man be happy, find someone to love and spend the rest of your life with! what r u waiting for?

Dude come to the US come out to everyone, most people dont give two ***** and youd find a boyfriend instantly! live your life man be happy, find someone to love and spend the rest of your life with! what r u waiting for?

I know this is hard for you, but you will eventually have to make a choice to be true to yourself.Ask yourself this question-Who do you really want to be? <br />
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The people that love you in your life are going to stick by you.They may be offended and possibly hurt because you don't have the same beliefs as them but eventually they will come around.<br />
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About the guys you like...Why not hang places where you know the men will be gay?Then you can know for sure without risking hurting your heart.I'm sure there are online dating sites too.Good Luck!<br />
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Look guys, there is a terrific book that is very definitive on the research about being gay. There is no doubt that it is something you are born with. Get the book and read it. It is called "The Sexual Spectrum" by Dr. Olive Skene Johnson. She has two sons who are gay and so did great research on the subject. Good luck. Go where you have to go to be yourself. Here in Canada we even have gay marriage.<br />
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wow, we have the same problem. But at least, ur parents dont say its immoral, right? But u cant hide the truth forever. Or u can find a place where people will accept who u r.

Oh i know how you feel try being gay AND wanting to female and keeping it away from every one and my boyfriend my boyfriend is one of two that knows about me. Paula

ok I am not gay or anything.im a straight women.I am 20 years old.I support those who are gay, lesbian, or whatever. You shouldnt live in a place where you dont feel excepted.I dont know what country you live in but here i the united states their are some states that have a gay pride parade where gays are celebrated.I know illinois recently passed the law for gay marriage.Although there are people who dont appreciate gays but theres also people who do appreciate.If you need someone to talk to I'm here.Good luck in whatever your decesions maybe.

man SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LoriTG. "Being gay is not normal"... either is dressing as a girl. I don't think anything else needs to be said in relation to the ill-informed, ANTI-gay propaganda that was displayed in your comment.

First of all I think people should be very careful about advising others to come out of the closed, the "follow your heart" thing does not always work and many times just bring sorrow and not happiness to anyone involved. In the case of this boy it would be a disaster! He should move, go to another country where he will be happier being himself and see that I say happier, not happy! There's no garanty that coming out of the closed and being openly gay you will find happiness, human relationship is complicated and finding someone to be happy with is hard for both gay or straight. I believe in having fun, being yourself but with common sense and responsability. Don't come out of the closed in your country, do it elsewhere. I'be praying for you!

i also live in a very conservative place and i cant tell Anyone about my sexual orientation. I am 22 and being prepared to leave my country and go somehwhere i can express my true feelings.


I know<br />
how you feel<br />
im too scared to tell anyone im gay<br />
i wish I wasnt all the time<br />

*hugs tight* You poor thing...I'm so sorry you're not able to be yourself around everybody, I know that's hard.

hey, i'm sorry to hear ur story. though i'm not a typical gay (i don't behave like rest of d gays), i am not attracted to grls too. i haven't come out yet. i live in a conservative community too. so, i'm gonna remain d closet 4 d rest of my life. but sometimes, i see d positive side. we have more depth in our emotions and thoughts. socrates was gay, so was leonardo. so, we're God's special ppl. we've been an ordeal to deal with. don't think bout suicide n stuff. work n do smthg special n show dat i'm gay n i've contributed this much 2 d world. it'd be easy coz we don't get along with other ppl well n we don't feel comfortable in social settings. so it'll be lot easier to concentrate on ur work. n dont make any rash decisions. trust noone coz non gay ppl r not very loyal. learn to love ur self.

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Don't fell bad bullet to the head LOL I have to tell my friends about that what an ignorant small minded *******. I hope things get better for you there is nothing wrong with being gay and any person that says there is a knuckle scraping neanderthal.

Im not gay, so I personally cant relate to what pain you're feeling right now. But I still cant believe how huge this homosexual issue has become! Being gay isnt immoral, it isnt wrong, and its definitely not going agaisnt the bible (in my opinion.) Being judged because of youre sexuality is wrong, its immoral, and goes agaisnt the bible. How dare people just judge and hate you like that. <br />
I have many gay friends, all sweet and beautiful people. It hurts to know this issue is hurting more and more people everyday, only for being yourself nonetheless. I absolutely hate it when people say its more of a choice...because Im almost sure its not. <br />
Im sorry you have to live a life where you're scared to show the real you...and where things better be kept secret, but Im here, silently cheering you on. On ep, we all support youre story. Please hang on.

Hey dude dont lie that u cant change your feelings.U must change your feelings cuz being gay isnt normal at all.If God wanted to be like that he wouldnt create a woman in first place...I think u use as an excuse that thing about u not being able to change your feelings...oh come on i mean what the hell..its more like u want to be gay....change before u face the heat...oh and dont bother trying to reply to this cuz most likely i want watch this anymore cuz i dont have time...time is precious ppl,dont just sit here and whine about your problems,do someting about it...sitting didint bring anyone any good but rather take responsbility for yourself and change yourself!Dont trust these stupid ppl who say that being gay is normal...ITS NOT and will never be,remember that my friend....

I've been through that stage before. I am not sure of what to write here since my case was pretty different, I did not have to come out, my dad found out some of my msn conversations and that way he discovered I was gay. I only wish the best for you, soon this nightmare must end and you'll be free to be who you truly are no mattering what they might say about you. Hugs :)

I feel the same way.. :

Saigo your story is just like mine, with a few minor details changed. It saddens me that we have to go through this, but it's good to know other people know what I'm going through. Keep living the life because some day you'll find a man you will love you for who you are.

You should be able to live your life anyway that you choose. It's sad that you have to keep up a front and be miserable inside. My bestfriend is gay and he was around your age he went through the same thing. See, around here, back in the day it was kept under cover, but it his grandmother that he was afraid of. But once he turned 18, he decided that he no longer gonna live his life in agony. So maybe that's what you should do. Get out, because believe there is happiness out there and maybe you will even find your soulmate.

I think you need a secret boyfriend whom you can pursue your life with until you can accept your gayness. Sooner or later things will get better.

Well, I guess one more opinion couldn't hurt....<br />
My heart goes out to you. I think that you should be open and honest with yourself but I also think you should be able to do it in a safe atmosphere. Being gay isn't the end of the world or a crime. I think you can still be a really good person and be gay. I have a friend that has been with her girlfriend since high school, and they are still in love, and both of them do so much for the community they live in. I think the world would be a less brighter place without them honestly.<br />
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I think your mother probably already knows alittle, but would rather not out you. Moms are like that, they just know their babies you know? And it doesn't matter if that baby isn't a baby anymore! I think that whatever you do or choose, she would want you to be happy and to feel loved, because that is what Moms are about.<br />
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@Terrio<br />
Shame on you! I have never seen such disinformation, and homophobia in my life! If we are truely all God's children, there is room for EVERYONE, even gay people at God's table. So shame on you! You also assume that everyone goes by a Christian belief, which is very biased and unfair in the least. I hope you learn to open your heart alittle. The world is a colorful place with all kinds of people in it. Gay and straight alike.

YES TERRIO! its a scientific FACT homosexual brains are made differently! so answer me this, why would GOD make someone with a Different brain if it was so ******* wrong? hm? waiting for an answer!

I admire you for admitting you are gay.

I know how you feel. I felt the same way years ago when I was in school. But then I read about an organization that was fighting for the rights of gay folk. I joined. Soon I was out and the world looked, felt, even SMELLED fresh. That was many years ago. Since then lots has changed, and more changes every day. It is still hard in many ways, but believe me, it is much easier today than it was 50 years ago when I was feeling those same things u feel today. I am out and PROUD. I hope one day you will join me on this side of the rainbow! Hugs and kisses until then, dear one!

I know how you feel, I been their! And it isn't, easy? But, with my situation was that I was raped by a upper classman in elem. school, and I had to hid it from my parents, my friends and I din't go to the cops either, I was on the vurge of committing suicide, when I wa about 13 years of age. Yet, I have survied, it still haunts me to this very day. I have had my experiences with being gay, and you kind have to watch behind your back, trust noone, and if you have a close friend you can count on, and I mean really count on, converse with him, and given the chance GET OUT of the SITUATION. I don't know where you live, but get out asap.

Honey, personally I feel similiar to you. In my opinion, I might even like both genders, but if your family and friends persecute you for love...you have to get out of there. Confront your parents. Start there, and you'll find that starting small will have your coming-out experiance better. Don't fear. Dreams don't realize themselves. It takes the dreamer to find the answer.

Hey buddy, I am just wondering what country are you in, will if that is your case you should came out from your place and go to another location where you can be free with your feelings and you can exercise your rigth to love and beloved.<br />
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I am one of a million people here on earth who feel the same as you feel but here in my country we are free to feel in-love with the same sex.<br />
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Bottom line is try to find another place.............<br />
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Hope you find this suggestion helfpul to your concern.

Hi there,<br />
<br />
I wish i have read this before, am hopeful that you are in a better situation now.<br />
<br />
I share alot of what you are facing, am a gay muslim living in an Arab country. I am closeted to alot of the people in my life, and i can never be out; if i did i will definitely be in danger, probably life threatening.<br />
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Am almost 24 years old now, its been a rough 10 years for me to accept myself, since society's mindset regarding homosexuality here in my country is of hatred and disgust.<br />
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What am here to say, is that you can find people who will accept you, i came out to my best friend who happened to be gay as well, we both are living in an environment very similar to yours, and i managed to find someone, and so will you, this has helped me tremendously in finding someone to be able to talk to.<br />
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If you feel that you cannot trust someone that much, then its probably better not to tell anyone at the moment, but don't quit searching, online gay social networks help as well, with caution off course.<br />
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The other point is of you commenting on your looks, COME ON, you are beautiful, and PERFECT as you are, in this moment, your presence means so much to so many people, you are loved and cared for, and deserve nothing but the best because you ARE who you ARE, NEVER judge yourself on how you look dude!<br />
<br />
I sincerely hope you are better by now, am not quite sure how you can connect to members in this website, but please feel free to contact me if you need to talk, am here for you my friend.<br />
<br />
love<br />
A ClosetedHomo

Right on lunnas!! I don't think it's a choice though. I mean, you and I didn't choose to be heteros....we just knew it....right?? Now imagine if the whole world was gay and all the Christians kept telling us it's a choice. And, that we can be gay if we choose to be. The only choice we really have is to accept and embrace those different than ourselves. Kudos to you......You ROCK!!....danilo

I welcome you if you are my family or my friend<br />
I have a few friends that are gay, i even had friends that were men that dressed like giirls i didnt judge i just treated them like they were people and myfriends<br />
ive had girl friends that dressed like guys or tomboys<br />
life is hard enought lets love and embrace others. i dont understand if being gay is a chooice or what its not up to me to judge, ive had a hight school friend he was gay i knew it befor he came out and hes still my friend<br />
it didnt matter to me who he was or his lifes mates were he was and still is a good friend this world is full of too much pain and hate ,its time we love each other we may not agree with the thier mates but i dont care what people do in thier s ex lifes just dont hurt kids or anmales<br />
live and let live .

My mom is always in the company of gay men because of her line of work. She is an interior decorater. She respects and admires their creativity. I'm heterosexual, but both of my parents instilled in me from a very young age tolerance of lifestyles different from our own. You say that your sexual orientation is a sin in your country. Well, I live in the US and there is discrimination here to .....especially in Northeast Texas. Northeast Texas is a hotbed of hatered against blacks, immigrants, gays, hispanics, etc. Grand Saline, TX is a Ku Klux Klan safe haven.Always remember, God loves everyone..........EVERYONE!!........even a pot smoker like me. Don't let those 'holier than thou' people try to make you a SINNER...........only you have the power to that.....danilo

Ha! A bad heart!!!? ******* for real? Being gay has nothing to do with evil. I am gay and I am a totally normal human being I go to work ,I pay my taxes, I support local fund raisers, and I drink goats blood and dance naked around a fire.. You made me puke a little 'godblessoursoldiers' guess what I am roman catholic and attended a catholic school my entire young life. I believe God makes no mistakes so I must not be one of them and neither are you Saigo. Good luck and remember you have just as much right to enjoy life as anyone!

PRAY!! to turn from this bad lifestyle. Just because someone is born with a bad heart, it doesn't mean it can't be fixed! Just because you have those feelings, doesn't mean they can't be changed!<br />
<br />
I'll keep you in my prayers!

I am not gay and I don't know what life is like to be gay or how it feels to be gay. I do respect people for whatever they are (as long as they are not harming the lives of others) <br />
<br />
What's important is that you have to be happy and comfortable with the choices you made for yourself.

Omg im going through the something. ill be 18 next month. ive never had a girlfriend and i also tried to like girls but its not working. like my mom... i just cant explain but i know exactly what you mean when you say you have to hide your true self in front of your friends, what will it be like if they find out. the thing that got me the most was when you said measuring every word, every move so that you don't slip up. If anyone knew my life would be over. i can relate to almost everything your going through

"You can use science to prove whatever you like to a certain extent."<br />
<br />
No, that would be called "twisting the facts." Presenting concrete evidence to prove something and twisting words and facts are two completely different things. Or, it could mean that there is not sufficient evidence to prove what you are trying to prove. If you were to use scientific evidence to prove two opposing ideas, that would mean that there is not sufficient evidence to call either of the two fact. Actual, CONCRETE evidence can only prove ONE idea.

Terrios:<br />
<br />
You claim to have dealt "firsthand" with homosexuality, but you have made clear throughout your three posts that you have absolutely NO grasp on it, whatsoever.<br />
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First of all, you clearly aren't a homosexual, so how can you even possibly assume that homosexuality is a choice? If you HAVE dealt firsthand with homosexuality as you claim, then you would know that many homosexuals, such as myself, have been this way as long as they can remember and did not ASK nor CHOOSE to feel sexually attracted to men.<br />
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You then analogize sexuality with WEIGHT which is just utterly and astoundingly moronic. Weight is something you can change, just lift a couple weights and boom, you're done. Unfortunately, very much contrary to your beliefs, homosexuality is not, was never, and will never be a choice. Homosexuality isn't something you can get rid of with some bullshit "therapy," it's not a ******* disorder that you can go to some support group to cure, it's a preexisting condition that DEFINES who somebody is, yes, and cannot be changed. By telling somebody that they can just willingly "change it" is just encouraging them to go deeper into a closet and live an unhappy, unfulfilled life. And I find it quite ironic how you mention that "there is a lot of happiness in freedom" and yet you are clearly preventing him from finding it.<br />
<br />
Also, you accuse BV of being "close-minded" and having a "blind view of life" which is just so deliciously ironic, because 5 of the links you posted are openly biased against homosexuality. Your "scientific evidence" against homosexuality are, funnily enough, on websites run by a bunch of close-minded, pseudo-"scientific" neocons, and yet you mention in the previous paragraph how science has "social and political biases." The truth is, science doesn't have any political or social bias, rather, one's political and social views are the offshoot. For example, evolutionists, who live by science, are more likely to be liberal. YOU believe it's biased because most things science has proven goes against what you believe in.<br />
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How about this: if you really want an INFORMED view on homosexuality, try looking at both sides instead of listening all the time to your bullshit neocon media, because quite clearly you have never heard a homosexual's side of the story.

If it's dangerous for you to be there then as mentioned; you need to move. If you fake being straight your girlfriend or future wife could figure it out and out you and then you'll be in danger. Living in the closet is no fun. People tend to regret it later; not all; but many closet case people who pick the hetero lifestyle make lousy emotionally distant husbands and look back on their life with regret. The best thing to do is get out of there as fast as possible. Wherever you are your English is very good, so I'd advise a trade, such as massage school or plumbing and then you'll have good solid work to do in a city while getting higher education. You'll end up feeling very liberated when you can tell people you are gay freely, and you can put everything else behind you.

I know it is very difficult to accept that your gay,once you accept who and what you are,then you should live your life as you,not pretending to be straight so as not be be different from others.I know its more difficult for someone that is gay in some countries,and it has to be hidden,as for your parents tell them,you are their son and they should(after time)accept you for who and what you are,and love you still the same.It dont always happen like this.Comeing out should be the best thing for you to do,you will perhaps loose friends,if they are your true friends they should accept it.<br />
I wish you good luck now are for the future

It's horrible that there are places in the world like that...<br />
I say you should start saving money right now. Everything you get you should put away. Then, once you have enough, go, and don't look back. It'll be hard to live in a new place, but it's got to be better than being scared for your life.<br />
But I'm not an expert on this by any means, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I'm not gay, I am a bi-sexual. I know that's not what you are discussing. But I have to live a secret life so people don't find out what I am or who I am. I have had so many bad experiences with women that I now prefer sex with men also. I had years of experiences with all kinds of women. This I know from experience that you don't get something for nothing. A sex affair with women is demanding. So having other men is a whole lot easier for me to deal with. I know from experience.

This is why I love EP! It totally encourages people to be who they truly are and not to be afraid of that. If more of us lived the truths we live online, the world would be a better place.

hey there....welll im sorry to hear tht you cant be yourself around the people you know...i seriously wish that people would just be able to accept tht all people are not the same... that maybe some people are different and thats not a bad thing...<br />
i was also wondering if there is a place whereyou can go to be yourself..go for it...<br />
well you know if you need a friend im here you know just add me and you can count on me to listen and be there through this website for you...=]

BettyValentine as someone who has dealt with homosexuality I need to inquire,<br />
<br />
how dare you say what someone can and cannot change? What is good and healthy is debatable- and people have the right to make their own choices for or against it. Whether they chose to be "gay" or not. Or whether they decide it is right or wrong. We all have our own moral compass (most of us anyways). I find your opinion even more obnoxious than the "repent and change" posts! <br />
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Even though they are usually very ignorant they at least leave the option to choice. You cripple people with your sheer opinion and lack of insight. mercy88 and queenofdreamers offered their insight with the disclaimer of lack of experience... you seem pretty sure of yourself, yet your words feel hallow. <br />
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There is nothing wrong with contrasting ethics. It is the only thing that works effectively against immorality. If you cannot even hear the thought that something you're doing is wrong, then it usually is. If we cannot be bold in talking about what is right or wrong how can we ever define it?! How can we take a stand at injustice if we aren't open to new ideas? <br />
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Your stereotypical, politically correct, closed-minded, and (frankly) blind view of life is the closest thing to intolerable and offensive that I've read on here. It not only harms the individual but completely introverts him or her to themselves without seeing the effects on others. (What a selfish way to live!)<br />
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To say whether or not someone SHOULD partake in homosexuality is OPINION but to say whether or not that a person can CHOSE to not partake is crippling and ignorant to a point of frustration. It victimizes someone to a life of fear, secrecy and restraint, all the while proclaiming a righteousness that is false! <br />
<br />
If there is fear in exposing, if there is shame in "being", if there is lament in settling, if there is a desire for "normalicy" then why should anyone be "forced" to embrace it?! Everyone has a choice to make whether they chose one lifestyle or another; but change is possible, I've lived it.

Very well thought out and expressed; thank you for reaching out to this person's pain and fear. god bless

To reply to this would take so long as a lot has changed in 3-4 years. I think I will just observe these things for the time being as the individual who posted this story has likely moved on by now.

on the science side of this long email post -_- -- - - I'd love to see some references to such ridiculous claims. I think our society has a very harmful view of this. If you google search it you'll find scientific "evidence" on both fronts.<br><br />
<br><br />
I found a study done in the 70s about the hypothalumus of the human brain being smaller in homosexual men.. well that fell through because the men used in the study all died of HIV -_-. <br><br />
<br><br />
THEN I found a christian study saying that the average lifespan of a homosexual male is 35 (I think it is in the 40s but there is no way to really know) but you don't KNOW that that is true. <br><br />
<br><br />
We live in a day and age where people can say whatever they want and have REAL statistics and REAL evidence to back it up. It is all in how you present something that determines what it is evidence for. "Science" has both social and political biases on all fronts. On this topic though I would REALLY encourage you to do some looking instead of just believing what so and so got from such and such (even with me). Or just from people saying things like "science proves this or science proves that". You can use science to prove whatever you like to a certain extent. I'll try to do the same.<br><br />
<br><br />
The truth is you can argue either side quite well if you know how (for instance I love to debate macro evolution because I find it to be filled with more falsehood than even the church of the spagetti monster.)<br><br />
<br><br />
You need to get some books though because the web is pretty empty of anything REAL in terms of "evidence". <br><br />
<br><br />
However I would recommend the following:<br><br />
<br><br />
http://americansfortruth.com/news/stephen-bennett-rebuts-alan-chambers-sorry-exodus-homosexuals-can-completely-change.html<br><br />
<br><br />
http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/homosexuality/A000001542.cfm<br><br />
<br><br />
<br><br />
http://books.google.com/books?id=9glOXO60Ij0C&pg=PA133&lpg=PA133&dq=exodus+scientific+evidence+on+homosexuality&source=bl&ots=AWLL24fKuq&sig=F__ZzULvsXmxrsy2vM9Y8Zio8o0&hl=en&ei=y0i-ScqHFoS2nQeDzJGnBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=10&ct=result#PPA136,M1<br><br />
<br><br />
<br><br />
<br />
<br />
http://www.conservapedia.com/Homosexuality<br />
<br />
<br><br />
<br><br />
I post this for you but also the other people who are talking it up on here. People need to look into things themselves instead of just believing what they hear. (that is dangerous).<br><br />
<br><br />
I'll be keeping you in my prayers. <br><br />
<br><br />
(From everything you might read... whatever you do, if you decide to go looking into this, do NOT stay long term in an "ex-gay" group -_- that just isn't healthy. It's a good place to visit to get insight and ideas... but don't stay there forever.)<br />
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Women who don't have experience in this issue drive me CRAZY!! (always have) -_-<br />
<br />
In regards to "animals and science" I've found a lot of helpful info <br />
<br />
some of it is <br />
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http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,20571062-5005961,00.html - Oslo museum<br />
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-Human_Animal_Sexuality#Sheep - sheep, brain study, 8 %<br />
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http://mygenes.co.nz/rams.htm - sheep, 10%, flawed study<br />
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http://scottthong.wordpress.com/2007/10/02/roy-silo-why-gay-penguins-are-not-a-good-example-for-homosexuality/ - Roy and Silo book<br />
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http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/02/07/MNG3N4RAV41.DTL - Roy and Silo<br />
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naturalistic_fallacy - naturalistic fallacy<br />
<br />
but if that doesn't have enough I'll post an article on my own page later.

I STRONGLY think you need to take your POS postings somewhere else instead of lying on here. and making this poor guy feel even more bad, YOU are the type of people who make homosexuals KILL themselves. .. on a positive not im praying for you, praying that god will one day open your small closed minded brain!

To reply to this would take so long as a lot has changed in 3-4 years. I think I will just observe these things for the time being as the individual who posted this story has likely moved on by now.

I don't know if you'd like anything I would have to say on the subject. People rarely do. ;) <br />
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(I live in America so I can't relate to the whole "kill you" thing.) But I'm 19 and homosexuality is something that I dealt with a LOT. I'm not claiming to have all the answers, I don't even have a ton of them. But my personal experience has been that homosexuality is not a defining trait of who you are like gender, ethnic background or anything like that. People like to label it as an "orientation" which is just crazy. I used to hide behind the label fat. I was morbidly obese and I thought that was "who I was" if just because my whole family was that way. It was in the genes, and I was stuck. That is the SAME labeling people apply when someone thinks that being gay is who they are. Once I realized the truth behind these things (that they are NOT who you are) change has been possible on both fronts. (I've lost a 175 bls and now I'm pretty healthy.) I'm just using weight as an illustration. It's easy to look at yourself and think "I was born this way there is nothing I can do" but if you ask yourself that question it usually means that, even though things feel good (like eating poorly or looking at gay ****) you see other people who are in a better place (or are "normal") and envy them. Homosexuality is a behavior (like drugs or ***********) it is NOT a person. I remember how confusing everything was and how much time I spent feeding all the anxious thoughts in my head. Life's just not supposed to be that way. I totally agree with mercy88 because I've LIVED that. :) You're not gay, you're a human being! :D Dearly loved by God no matter what you think you are or what you do. But there is a lot of happiness to be found in freedom. (I would NOT write about this if I didn't seriously know it to be true. I always hated people who didn't understand telling me what to do.) I don't know you or who you are but I know what it is like and I would strongly encourage you to SEEK the answers for yourself. It's hard to suggest a lot of resources because I found so many to be harmful over long periods of time. But I think a safe place to start would be www.livehope.org . It's a good place to hear from other people who share some same experiences. :)


I say hide no more. It's not good for your emotional state. I have a gay son and believe me, as a parent I knew he was gay even before he came out. I have accepted his life style 100%. I know it will be hard, but you will be better off knowing where you stand with others than hiding out in fear. Yes there will be people who will bash you and make your life hard,but it is better to be true to yourself. If you live in fear then they have defeated you. Stand up for yourself and admit who you are no matter the consequences. I wish you love and support young man.

Wow, I don't know anyone who is gay so I have no idea what gay people have to suffer through. My heart breaks for you.

Look people this guy has issues that don't need to be complicated by shame-based comments (religion). Look dude, feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. No doubt it took some courage to post your story. Good job for reaching out. It sounds scary where you are, so stay safe & take care of yourself. Keep reaching out and be true to yourself. Know that you are not alone. Hopefully things will get better on your journey through life.......

A lot of religious people will deny that and claim that it's a choice. Wrong. Science has proved that it's genetic since they found seals in the Antarctic that were gay.

I encourage you to ask God to help you- I dont believe that people are born gay. I think it's a choice- and just like all humans struggle in different areas with sin- I think you should fight harder against these homosexual thoughts ands feelings- because you do have a choice.

sadly this type of comment if far from helpful nor practical. Please research how comments like yours encourage young GLBT adults to commit suicide. And do you really think people sit down and decide on a life where they are bullied by ignorant people? I is no more of a choice than skin color.

Who are you to judge how someone is or isn't born?! I'd like to know what makes people like you think you know what God does or doesn’t do and why He does or doesn’t do it. As for whether something is a sin or not, it is not your place to judge. God gave Jesus that authority and Jesus didn’t give it to you. In fact, he said that no one is to do that unless they are WITHOUT SIN. Do you really think you are?? When you became “saved”, if indeed you are, you didn’t become perfect, just forgiven, and that doesn’t give you the knowledge or right to point out someone else’s sins or perceived sins. The only thing Christians (and that includes so called “ministers”) are supposed to tell anyone is about Jesus - who He is and why He came and died and rose from the dead. From then on, it’s between each individual and God. As far as God is concerned, we’re all sinners. There are two kinds, those who are lost and those, like myself, who are saved. Those of us who are saved are saved by believing in and trusting Jesus to save us as He said He would do for whosoever believes on Him, not by liking sex with the opposite sex or by not committing certain sins. I wonder how many families and individuals have been hurt or committed suicide because of hateful, sanctimonious, ignorant, judgmental people like you who don’t really know any more about God and what Jesus wants us to do than the man in the moon. If you can’t say something to help, then at least don’t do anything to cause more hurt or harm to someone than they already have. You need to change your handle. If God didn’t show any more mercy to people like you than you show to others, you’d be a lost soul for sure.

Who are you to judge how someone is or isn't born?! I'd like to know what makes people like you think you know what God does or doesn’t do and why He does or doesn’t do it? As for whether something is a sin or not, it is not your place to judge. God gave Jesus that authority and Jesus didn’t give it to you. In fact, he said that no one is to do that unless they are WITHOUT SIN. Do you really think you are?? When you became “saved”, if you are, you didn’t become perfect, just forgiven and that doesn’t give you the knowledge or right to point out someone else’s sins or perceived sins. The only thing Christians (and that includes so-called “ministers”) are supposed to tell anyone is about Jesus - who He is and why He came and died and rose from the dead. From then on, it’s between each individual and God. As far as God is concerned, we’re all sinners. There are two kinds, those who are lost and those, like myself, who are saved. Those of us who are saved are saved by believing in and trusting Jesus to save us as He said He would do for whosoever believes on Him, not by liking sex with the opposite sex or by not committing certain sins. I wonder how many families and individuals have been hurt or committed suicide because of hateful, sanctimonious, ignorant, judgmental people like you who don’t really know any more about God and what Jesus wants us to do than the man in the moon. If you can’t say something to help, then at least don’t do anything to cause more hurt or harm to someone than they already have. You need to change your handle. If God didn’t show any more mercy to people like you than you show to others, you’d be a lost soul.

Ur so stupid

1 More Response

i think to be you happiest youll have to come out one day.

This is your life! Others have given good advice,<br />
<br />
I can only offer my luck and prayers tou you for your future!

hey dude... i just joined this thing and urs is the first post i'm ever reading. and i feel EXACTLY LIKE U. it's almost as if i was reading my life... but i didnt write the post! my goodness... i guess i can't help u there... cuz im in exactly the same situation as u are. anyway whatever religion u belong to just keep praying ok? i know its so damn frustrating but i still do it... it might help :)

hun i really feel u. i mean not EVERYONE hates me but i know what it feels like for u to be like.whoa.... i mean ah. it usta be me. i was always like. wow. dude that guy looks so cool i wish i looked like him.. when really ...i just wanted to be on him. so its a real predicament. but i think if u moved to a place where people where ok with it i mean, its hard... but ...no one should live with a big secret like that its pretty much like puting a bullet in ur knee every day. it hurts and im sorry you have to go through with this.

Dendrite put it very nicely and since i really don;t know what it's like i can't offer much except for best wishes and may fortune smile upon you. <br />
<br />
I just wish we as a society were a bit more tolerant and understanding.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I think you should come to the US and live freely in a large city. I once dated a woman who was Palestinian and the threat was very real that if her father found out about us, he would kill her and quite possibly, me. I don't know where you live, but you know if the threat is real. People get stoned for being gay, and it's nothing to take lightly. You deserve love and the freedom to love, love should never be life-threatening. Think about coming here (or somewhere else where being gay isn't punishable by death.) Best wishes to you!

I'm sure it seems impossible. When I was eighteen it seemed like life would end if anyone found out. Its been a few years now and a lot of my friends know but I'm still terrified. You should DEFINITELY try to get out of your environment and find a place where you can feel free to be yourself. It is much better that way.