I'm a Closet Case

I always felt like I was different. When all the other boys started noticing girls I was still playing my video games - I just didn't know what was so special about them.

As the time went on I realized that the ones I like aren't girls - but boys.

I though at first that it was just a phase, that perhaps every boy feels like that at one time. I even tried to get myself to like girls. All to no avail.

I admitted it to myself when I was 16. I knew about then that what I feel like can't be changed - that it's there to stay forever. And I got scared. In my country being gay is not only sin, if you're gay you're considered sub-human. No possible penance. I was once told that the only way to "heal" a homosexual is with a bullet through the head.

So that's why I'm hiding it. No one would understand. Not my family or people I go to school with. I dread what would happen if anyone found out.

Because I'm so scared I never acted on my feeling. There were boys I liked and like, but if they'd know how I feel, they would kill me. It's very frustrating knowing that someone you like not only not likes you back but would probably seriously harm you if he ever found out.

The other problem are my parents. I don't know how they would react. When they see gay people on TV they don't throw fits or  say how immoral that is. My mother once said it's matter of choice. But what if they knew that their own son was...? They'd send me to a "professional" most likely.

I think they're beginning to doubt. I'm 18 and I never had a girlfriend. Although I'm not really attractive (quite the opposite) so people assume it's because of that. But then again, I seen equally ugly guys with girlfriends. And there's plenty of ugly girls too, so I don't know for how long I can keep this up.

It's just so hard not being able to be who you are in front of people, it's so hard measuring your every word, your every move so that you don't slip up.

If anyone knew my life would be over. 

Saigo Saigo
18-21, M
91 Responses Jun 20, 2008

I know this is hard for you, but you will eventually have to make a choice to be true to yourself.Ask yourself this question-Who do you really want to be? <br />
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The people that love you in your life are going to stick by you.They may be offended and possibly hurt because you don't have the same beliefs as them but eventually they will come around.<br />
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About the guys you like...Why not hang places where you know the men will be gay?Then you can know for sure without risking hurting your heart.I'm sure there are online dating sites too.Good Luck!<br />
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Dude come to the US come out to everyone, most people dont give two ***** and youd find a boyfriend instantly! live your life man be happy, find someone to love and spend the rest of your life with! what r u waiting for?

Dude come to the US come out to everyone, most people dont give two ***** and youd find a boyfriend instantly! live your life man be happy, find someone to love and spend the rest of your life with! what r u waiting for?

I also think that all these dumbass scientifically WRONG people on here saying gay is a choice are full of **** and should research studies of the difference between the gay mind and a straight mind, im personally not gay but i think you people who say things like choice are all so damn stuck up and stupid! and yes i mean YOU featherinthewind and YOU Mercy88! try to live in these peoples shoes for a year youd end up killing yourself!

I come from exactly the same sort of background hence my keeping it secret and also denying it too myself for so long , I have the why,s and the why,s over and over in my head and I have looked at all places for awnsers, but everytime I just seem to get an awnser that does not ring true to my heart....most people religions and beliefs are against it, whether completely are just in the fact that they dont understand it, if I were to be "found" out all hell whould brake loose,and I whould have to go for councelling , exorcism , prayer and whatever thought might cross your mind.....people say that its a concious choice, one that you make ........cause you like the lifestyle, ill tell you what , that utter bullshit, I never chose this and no matter how hard I tried to lead the "straight" life, its not who i am. I have not given up on getting the awnser to why, cause deep in my heart I know that there is a place out there somewhere for me, and a reason for beiing what I am.......

Not to sound judgmental, but how can a guy look at an elegant, sophisticated, beautiful, and smart/creative woman and not like what he sees?

Being gay doesn't mean he dislikes women or looking at women, it just means he doesn't want to have sex with them.

My heart goes out to you. Ive known gays and a lot of them were in sheer hell. Im a Christian and despite what people may say or think about Christians a true one doesn't hate people no matter what their struggles because as God knows Ive had my own and I believe we all do of one sort or another. What I do believe is that sometimes things pass down through the family ( which they may have hidden also) I dont believe that having certain feelings automatically make them right or good. A child molester has feelings towards children but that doesnt make them right or normal just because he has those feelings. I do believe in good and evil and have experienced both in my life in a very very real way and I believe evil is at work in our world trying to destroy us and God is reaching out wanting to help us. A verse in the Bible that has literally changed my life is "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Although I dont know where it is offhand) I used to have suicidal thoughts (my mom also took her life) I felt very rejected, fearful and had so many negative self defeating thoughts but then God began to show me my mind and thoughtlife were a mess so I began to reprogram my mind to think differently and low and behold my feelings began to change also. The Bible also talks about strongholds which God showed me was bondage in our thinking. Just as a person becomes bound by drugs alcohol etc. people can be deceived by evil even at an early age to believe lies and the longer they think on the lies the stronger the lies become ingrained in their thinking. People become bound by all kinds of lies. Their ugly, their worthless, their hopeless etc. All lies even though the feelings make them feel very true. Another verse says, "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" and as I began to change the lies I believed about myself to the truth I found my feelings changing and then my behavior. Everything starts with a thought. I know it works. Some of the strongholds I dealt with in my own life were very powerful because I had believed the lies since my childhood and it was a fight! But Gods word was more powerful and the more I spoke the truth about myself the day came when the lie came crashing down and I was free. Love and hugs my brother

Wow, lol. My family and comminity is exactly like yours. But everything in life isn't perfect. -.- the wheel of suffering never ends until you do. Just remember kiddo, you being gay isn't a bad thing.

I wish there was something I could do to help you get over that fear. Convince your family and everyone you know that your sexual orientation doesn't define you and its not a bad thing. You like boys, your not an alien, you are gay, your not a disgrace. YOU are HUMAN, not an abomination. And this might not help, but you are not alone. I came out to the people I trusted and they were so understanding that it scared me. My aunt, best friend, friends, family. The only person who had a prob with is was mom and she is actually ok with it now. Yeah she doesn't like it but its not like I chose it. I am still her daughter and that will never change simply b/c I happen to like both girls and boys. <br />
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Remember that, you are who you are and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I would suggest, for safety and peace of mind, that you wait till you have your own home and can be on your own to come out. That way you won't have to depend on anyone for anything if they decide to "disown" you for being who you are.

People who hate want to encourage control, so do people that hate Gays. Remember they are less than you. You are above that petty gospel of hate, they want to promote Be proud inside. Your Gayness is invisible. You have to hide your gayness, don't hide your love, if you are kind and loving with others that shows you reject Hate dogma that is ba<x>sed on projecting primal fear.A dark room will always look dark until the light is switched on.When you choose by an act of spiritual will to promote kindness then those loving will be attracted to you, and want to be around you. It might not give you the type of person you need However,Remember hate givers want to isolate don't get alone that is what what they want. Try and buy a computer to stop you I suggest you find a prayer group that prays for the sick don't feel" Prison Bound " Togetherness is strength.

Sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what's it's like living in a country like that. I have all the rest of the conditions (I'm in the closet too) including religion, family, society but just not the country.<br />
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I hope you find your way.

Work hard get a good job and come to the first world (US/northern Europe) If your countries in the EU you should move ASAP.

You sound like a great guy, and I'm so sorry you would be treated that way. If you new someone to talk to, I'm here, and you can be you in front of me

You are Beautiful, and you are perfect! You have indicated that your mom feels different then the norm that you see around you. Be tactful for your own safety, but I thing you should first try to find an in with your mom. I think it is horrific that countries/ideologies condemn homosexuality. It is a threat to know one and in this day and age has no bearing on the population of the planet, so what on earth, should it matter? But I suggest your mom, as you have said, she appears to be sympathetic find out how sympathetic she is and if she is open enough, go there. She is your best alie if she is a real mom, as real moms what their children to be happy no matter what they do or are in life!

i live ur case and even more for iam muslim and i am sure i wont go with a man or speak with i told my parents i wont marry they ignored it and are thinking iam stupid and live in fantasy world no one knows i am gay and i try to convince them i am asexual and feel nothing towrds no one i think this life is not for me maybe the after life

Saigo, I hope with all my heart that you will be able to escape the situation you're in and soon, and be able to live as the person you are, the person God created you to be. I knew I was gay from the time I was in grade school. Someone on here said that homosexuality is abnormal and that children shouldn't hear about it. Well, living in a small town and being 60+ years old now, I sure didn't hear about any other gay people when I was a child but it sure didn't stop me from being gay because that's how God made me to be, for whatever reason, just as He made me to be left-handed instead of right-handed for whatever reason. I lived in the closet until I was 27 years old. The closet was slowly killing me, and what a painful, tormented death it was. There wasn't any such thing as antidepressants then either. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer and I slammed the closet door open with a bang. There have been consequences to pay from time to time for coming out, especially as I did, but it will just have to be that way because, even if I could go back in, I couldn't stand to live a closeted, double life again. A lot of people may not like who I am but at least I'm living free, as much as is possible under the circumstances, and I don't have to keep quiet now when I hear them talking garbage about gay people.<br />
I would never tell anyone, especially someone in your situation, to come out. Each person has to decide that for themselves, but you just try to hang in there until you can leave whatever country you're in now. As for going to the United States, that so called land of freedom and liberty and justice for all, which is where I live, I would only recommed that as a last resort. There are other countries were gay people are treated better and have more rights than in the USA, coutries where one group's religious beliefs don't try to control everybody else. If I were to pick another country, Canada would be my first choice.<br />
But until you can leave, maybe you could find a gay woman who's in the same situation you are who would be willing to pretend to be your girlfriend. Back when it was a lot worse here than it is now, a lot of gay people did that and some still do.<br />
Anyway, I wish you the very best. And always remember, God loves you just as much as He loves His heterosexual children. And Jesus saves us gay people, just the same as He does anybody else, not because of our sexuality but by believing and accepting Him as our Savior. Blessings and good luck to you.

I wish I would have said that toochay!!!

Hey =) , in which country do you live? you gave me an image of iran, Iraq or Afghanistan, cuz their like kinda what you said : Your Gay, Your Dead. (I'm Not a Hater, i promise) =)

My cousin came out about six years ago at the age of 34. She's living a happy life with a lady who seems to love her very much. I can tell you that, as children, her and I spent a lot of time together. She seemed to struggle with her identity as far back as I can remember. I'm pretty sure everyone in our family knew, but nobody really talked about it. I can tell you that we all love her no matter who she's with, and her mother and father support her 100%. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for my cousin to finally tell the world. Perhaps we, her family, were wrong in not approaching her and telling her we love her and it her choice doesn't matter? I guess I'm saying that perhaps your parents already know or have a good feeling, and their just as afraid as you of broaching the subject. Its probably true that my cousin wasted too many years denying herself of a more peaceful life, but we live in the United States where its widely accepted.

I do not agree with homosexuality because it blocks a person from intimacy with God. As long as you think in your flesh I am wrong for this and you ignore it then nine time out of ten you will also ignore God and His voice to you. You will also pretend as if He is okay and as if He does not see or hear and that comes from issues youhave in your life that you do not think that God hears or sees. You may not even feel or think you need a God but He is there. So, in my heart anything that causes you to seperate from intimacy with God is a sin. even if it is something as simply as not paying a bill you knew you should have paid. There is now no condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus. There is just not. You do not live in Him so hey do what you want and pay for it later like everybody else. Best of luck to ya.

shut....the **** up :)

Just read a great book called Kaz by Karldon Okruta that I downloaded from Amazon.com and I think you and others in the closet would really enjoy it. The main character, like many of us, also struggles with his newly recognized sexuality. Really good story for sure!

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, and I do not know what I would do myself If I found myself there, but know that you are Perfectly beautiful just the way you are! I hope forever that you will be able to one day live a life where you can be who you were created to be, remember that there are people out there that will love you no matter who or what you are. Someday the world will change and be tollerent of people like us... but until then, hang in there. You are not alone.

A legitimate professional would not even consider homosexuality to be a form of mental illness; in fact, it's the opposite. The big book of psychological disorders doesn't even mention homosexuality. Therefore, the only 'professional' you would have to worry about is a pastor - which is still a major threat - but it's important to note that a real doctor would never think of telling you that there is something wrong with you.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Absolutely none. The stigma carried by homosexuals in this country is not their fault but the fault of the religious conservatives who fail to acknowledge their legitimacy. I realize that openness may be scary; but would coming out be worse than a life lived in the closet? I am still in the closet with my family, so believe me, I understand that it's suffocating and beyond awful. One day, though - probably after college - I'm going to tell them, and if they have an opinion I will quote Jesus - "He who is without sin, cast the first stone."

In the end, it is YOUR life. You can't let other people decide what you do with it if you want to be any kind of happy.

Leave your country. At least for a few years. You have to. Don't imagine that love and success will come easily somewhere else, but at least you have the same start as other gay guys instead of not even being allowed to run in the race.
Don't put your safety at risk in your own country.

Its like you have written my life, word to word. I always wanted to meet someone like you, but, in my country, people are so scared they'll never come out. Can we be friends? :)

"If anyone knew my life would be over"
Just like me. We're the same my friend, but this story was written years ago, so I think you're life changed today.

I hope you have found peace. I felt the exact same way when I was younger, kept wanting to like girls, dated, even got married. Still liked/like boys men. I felt along, scared, isolated no where to turn.
It's not a choice. we are made this way. One don't want to be gay. You don't. I would bet 95+% off gays would rather be normal

Keep it on the DL and enjoy until you can be your own person.

Tbh Idc if your gay or not like what do you want ? A medal ???

well I'm straight the way I see it everyone deserves to feel happy if this is it then fair play I have nothing against anyone's belief no matter who they are as long as they are not mental physical harming or stuffing religion of any kind down a persons throat

I'm a Christian, but man...I hate that you are being so marginalized in your own country over this. That you're afraid for your life.

I don't know you, but I do know this: You only get 1 life & if you want to live yours in any semblance of happiness you need to move elsewhere, the US would be a good choice.

At least look into it, you could tell your parents through a letter or phone call...may seem impersonal but given the reception of gay people where you live, I think they'll understand.

As to religion comments? I'll add one, God bless you & God speed towards a place where you can live your life & be happy🙂

Wow, So sad. Being gay is the best thing I could imagine and I have been so happy for so many years and enjoyed so very many people intimately after freeing myself from all the hetero hate and all the hetero mythology of only one person to love and horrendous hetero god stories and all their formulaic hetero romantic **** --which is really based on and totally to sugarcoat and to support two economic social concerns: paternity and property rights. Those are actually the basis for all of marriage and for most of the religious strictures and taboos that have been developed over thousands of years to support them. The male human wants to have lots of and naturally enjoys sex, lots of sex with lots of partners and really doesn't need too much of all the other garbage unless he's been brainwashed and made to feel inferior or bad or criminal or dirty or evil or whatever the haters and ignorant try to call us. All BS! Sex is great, ***** are fantastic and delicious and the more you do it without strings attached and the more guys you enjoy the greater life is! Don't use sex to try to control others or to "marry" them or to make them do what you want --No guilt trips or power plays!! Just enjoy sex for the hot, sensuous and great release and experience it is --especially with other men and their incredible *****! I have so many great and special friends and we are so sexy and intimate, sometimes several times in a single day and sometimes in groups of us all naked and sexing with each other, everybody trying to achieve ******* and give ******* to others. I love to enjoy several ***** all at once like bukkake (google it!) Wow, being in close, physical contact with men's bodies, serving and servicing each other, and being inside their bodies and having them inside me and sharing our really magical essence and juice is the most thrilling and hot and exciting and pleasurable times I have ever had, ever experienced and ever imagined. It is actually so fantastic that society, the church, women, all the "ruling" forces are afraid of just how consuming and thrilling it is! Way beyond anything they can offer to make you do what they want and better than any food, money, entertainment, anything! Give me a man and his **** and his juice or several and I am totally fulfilled (in the real way) and totally happy! And once you've been so intimate and had so much sex with guys you have a real special, incredible bond and can do all kinds of things together in the times between having sex if there is any! LOL